Sunday, December 23, 2012

A Christmas Update

My heads been all over the place lately.  I'm still deep in thought and feeling about the shooting that happened last week.  I find myself, in quiet moments, going over it in my head.  What it must have been like for the teachers, for the children, for the parents.  I had a dream last night that I was on a plane that was crashing.  It took off, and then almost immediately started hurling itself back toward the earth.  I have a pretty big fear of flying to begin with, but I think it was more just about life and death and fear in general.  In the dream I actually thought to myself that I was going to die.  That this is what it feels like when you know you're going to die.  Then I woke up and didn't sleep much after that.  Every time I get on a plane I feel that worry.  That I'm putting myself at risk.  But to go to school to teach, to learn, and have that moment.  I'm still struggling, wondering how we live in a world where that can happen.  

Needless to say the holiday season has been a bit different then I imagined, but I'm trying to just focus on Bean and making this really special for her.  She is blissfully unaware of the bigger world out there. Her biggest sadness lately has been that the hundred acre wood doesn't actually exist and that she can't live there.  I wish I could keep that as her biggest sadness forever.  For the moment though I can and this is her last big hurrah before she has to share life with a sibling.  So we've been very busy making this a special time of year and reminding her that Christmas means love and showing your love to the people you care about.  I hope she feels that love from us.

I'm in complete disbelief that in less then 6 weeks, we'll have another baby to love.  Physically I'm feeling it.  I'm having a really hard time getting done what needs to get done and I can tell I'm pushing myself too far.  So I've tried to slow down.  I realized that I've been having Brax.ton H.icks contractions for awhile and just didn't realize what they were.  So I've backed off a lot of the things that I used to feel like needed to get done.  Now I mainly just try to focus on getting through the days with Bean and doing the best I can.

We had our last ultrasound on Friday and the baby looks great.  Over 5 pounds, a few days ahead of my due date growth wise, head down facing the way it should.  All looks good.  After talking to all my OB's, hubby, and reading every possible thing I can, I'm going to try for a VBAC unless something changes and makes it look like there's a bigger risk in doing so.  If I don't go into labor on my own, I'll have a c-section.  I feel okay about all of it.  Either way I know there are risks.  I have no idea what the real choice is to minimize risk.  So I'm going with my gut and right now that says VBAC.  That might change as more information comes to light, we'll just have to see.  I just want to be healthy and have a healthy baby.  I wish it weren't so complicated.

So there's a lot going on around here, but I feel really blessed.  A few years ago, I had no idea if we'd have kids at all.  Now we get to spend every day with Bean and soon, we'll get to do it all over again.  For a few days I'm going to try to block out the rest of it.  I'm going to bake cookies, open presents, play with new toys, and just love every minute of it.  I hope you can do the same.  Happy Holidays from this ordinary girl, to you.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Action vs. Reaction

I started thinking last night about the different issues that I put my time and energy into.  Education, because I was a teacher and saw first hand what was working and what wasn't.  I have passionate feelings about education and if you get me started talking about it, well, you've been warned.  I often dream of somehow working in educational reform.  Maybe in a future career.  Infertility obviously.  I talk about it as much as possible, support the organizations that tackle the topic, and try to be an active member of the community.  I write to my senators and representatives and want to do more to make sure my voice is heard on this.  Breast cancer and Parkinson's Disease awareness.  My aunt and grandfather were both affected by these diseases.  I'll throw my support behind either cause wholeheartedly.

I also have strong opinions about other topics and yet I haven't done much, beyond voting a certain way in elections, to support them.  I believe that the amount of guns in our country is scary and unnecessary.  There needs to be a change there and more control.  We had friends who bought a handgun to keep in their home and immediately they went off my list of houses Bean could visit without us being present.  I don't like guns, and I really want nothing to do with them.  I believe that every person, regardless of their financial position, should have equal access to medical benefits, including mental health benefits.  If someone wants to be physically or mentally healthy, I believe they shouldn't be restricted based on their pocketbooks.  I believe in love and that people of any gender should be allowed to be married and form a family and should have all the same legal rights as my husband and I.  I could go on and on here, but that's not the point.

The point is that I do all these things, but I do nothing to actively change or support the causes related to them.  And I realize now it's because there hasn't been a catalyst for me to do so.  So often when you think of people who are devoting their time, money, or lives to a mission or cause, they're doing it for someone.  They're doing it because they, a friend, or family member have dealt firsthand with the issue and/or the consequences.  I feel like it's so much more likely to react to events in your life or the lives around you, then it is to just take action on things you believe in.  And when I thought about that last night, because I can't stop thinking about those 20 little ones who died yesterday, I was kind of ashamed of myself for it.  Why aren't I stepping up and speaking my mind on these very important issues, just because I personally haven't dealt with the ramifications?

Maya Angelou said yesterday: Our country is grieving. Each child who has been slaughtered belongs to each of us and each slain adult is a member of our family. It is impossible to explain the horror to ourselves and to our survivors. We need to hold each other’s hands and look into each other’s eyes and say, “I am sorry.”  And I really felt those words.  This is a huge opportunity to change the way that we all look at our world.  To stop just reacting to events that happen to us and to start taking action to prevent them.  I want a better world for Bean and for this new baby who's coming into it so very soon.  I don't know how to make that happen completely, but I'm so ready to try.  I don't want to wait until something horrible happens to one of my babies before I do everything in my power to make them safe.  And I cannot describe the grief I feel for these parents who are in that very place themselves right now.  May we hold each of their children as our own.  Somehow it feels like we failed them so completely.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Ever changed

Today's been kind of a raw feeling day.  We've been home all week as Bean's been sick.  The days all kind of run together and by today, I'm starting to reach the end of my bag of tricks.  It might be a day where I would get frustrated with the fact that I'm playing the same games for the fourth day in a row in a desperate attempt to entertain a toddler.  Today though I was happy to do it, although only half of me was present.

Before I moved to where we live currently, and started fighting infertility and then staying home with Bean full time, I taught elementary school in an inner city school.  The inner city was a world totally different then the one I grew up in, which was very much middle to upper class suburbia.  I felt like a fish out of water and I didn't understand a lot of things when I started.  There were times when I worried about my safety.  I had kids who lashed out at me occasionally and I always wondered if there could be a parent who did the same.  I worried about that less as time went by.  One thing I never worried about though was one of those parents coming in and hurting my kids.  If they had an issue with me, that was one thing, but nothing ever made me feel like any issue they had with me would spread to my classroom or my school.  I worried more about the older kids in the school letting loose one day then an adult.

I remember the day that a student in the classroom next to mine put his fist through the glass on his classroom door.  I had no idea what was happening, I just heard screaming and breaking glass.  I grabbed the kids in the hall outside my room and locked us all inside.  We moved away from the door and read books until I found out that everything was fine.  We did multiple drills over the years to prepare us for intruders in the school, chemical warfare, natural disaster, you name it.  And I always felt like whatever happened, I would and could protect my kids.  I would do whatever I had to because they were my kids.

Then I heard the news from Connecticut today and I was half with Bean and half in my head all day.  Thinking about the events from the position of a parent and a teacher.  As a teacher, all the sudden I realized how little I could actually do to protect my kids.  I was the only adult in that room most of the day.  Me and 30 kids.  If someone came in and shot me, there would have been 30 kids.  Completely defenseless.  I can't tell you how horrifying that realization was to me.  Or how it will forever change me.  Then when I think about my Bean and my baby on the way and I think about taking them to school and leaving them with relative strangers.  Strangers that I trust have the same love and dedication as I always had as a teacher.  Those strangers who are also relatively defenseless and unable to do more then slow down horrendous things that might happen to my babies.  How am I ever going to be able to take them to school?  We've left Bean with a babysitter a handful of times.  I have such a hard time leaving her.  How do I possibly have faith that the world will hold her as dear as I do, when there are so many growing examples to the contrary?

As a teacher, as a parent, as a human being, I am so sick for the families in Connecticut.  I can only imagine how much their world must be shattered because mine shattered and I have no physical connection to anyone there.  I realize again and again that it doesn't matter where you are, in suburbia, in the inner city, anywhere.  Bad, scary, horrifying things happen.  Things that we have no control over.  And yet somehow it feels like we should be able to control this.  We should at least be trying!  Kids should have the right to be safe at school, the mall, or the movies.  We all should.  I don't know how to wrap my brain around any of it.  Instead I just keep thinking about those teachers, families, and kids who are ever changed tonight.  And I hope I'm not the only one, because these things can't keep happening.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


We've been busy.  Tackling the to-do list of things that we're hoping to get done before the baby is born.  Choosing the pieces for our bathroom remodel which hopefully will get squeezed into the beginning of January.  Buying Christmas presents, writing cards, seeing all the people that we feel we should see.  It's a whirlwind and easy to get caught up in.

Our weekends have been packed.  Errands, lunches, commitments, etc.  Until this last weekend when we had the weekend of Christmas fun.  We've never taken Bean to meet Santa before.  She didn't really understand the idea of him until this year and she gets uneasy around people she doesn't know.  I didn't want one of those pictures of her at the mall screaming in his lap.  I didn't want to do it just to do it.  I wanted it to be special for her, if she even wanted to do it.  This year though she has much more interest in Santa and all things Christmas.  And I heard that our library was doing a morning story hour and visit with Santa this last weekend.  So I asked Bean if she wanted to go and she emphatically said yes.

Hubby, Bean and I headed out early to get to the library before it got too crazy.  We had a chance to talk to the children's librarian and read some books.  Bean was happy, especially since her daddy was there.  He doesn't usually get to go to the library with us because we go during the week, so this was a special treat.  We settled in for story hour with the other kids and when the librarian got to the end of the last story, sleigh bells started ringing and Santa appeared from somewhere with his usual ho ho ho's. The look on Bean's face, it made me heart catch.  She was beyond excited.  Her cheeks were flushed.  She was completely caught up in the magic of it all, and in that moment, we all believed that the man coming in was Santa and that he could bring happiness and treasures to the world.  I almost cried, which took me completely by surprise.

Bean was a little nervous to see him, but ended up giving Santa her letter that we wrote together and we got a picture of her and hubby with him.  I know that Bean probably won't remember any of this.  But I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.  All of the craziness of life right now, it all melted away.  The only thing that I could think about was the magical moment that we were able to make happen for Bean.  I love this time of year, the magic of it all and the love that surrounds it, if you don't get caught up in the commercialism of it all.  My grandpa instilled a true magic and love of this season in me as a child, and somehow managed to keep it going into my teenage years.  I hope that I can do that for Bean because it's something I cherish.

We spent the rest of the weekend riding tractors in the rain to cut down our Christmas tree and decorate it.  Bean took her own (plastic) saw to help her Daddy cut it down and he was able to make it seem like she made the final cut that brought the tree down.  She lovingly held and asked about each ornament for the tree, and every time she sees it with the lights on, it's like she's seeing it for the first time.  Her eyes are just so full of joy.

Hubby and I are still trying to figure out where we stand religiously.  I grew up going to church every Sunday and he grew up without any experience with religion.  We're figuring it all out, and someday I know Bean will hear that part of Christmas.  Right now though I just want her to know that Christmas is about love.  And that it's important to let the people in our lives know how important they are and how much we love them.

It's been easy to get caught up in everything else this year, but Bean has forced me to remember that myself.  The to-do list is still there and I still hope to get some things done on it before the baby arrives. The bathroom remodel is still looming over our heads.  I still have some shopping to do and some of it feels more like an obligation then I would like.  But I'm not as concerned about any of it.  My grandpa was able to create a magical feeling surrounding Christmas in my life until he died about ten years ago. I tried to carry that with me and in my heart since then, but last weekend it really came alive again.  Bean is the magic in my life everyday, and she continues to show me in all the moments I least expect it.  And I just hope that for the holidays, and everyday, she feels how much love we have for her.  And when life starts to get too crazy, I hope I can call that moment to mind when she saw Santa for the first time and believed that magic is real.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Where am I?

Well, physically I'm at home right now, and quite thankful for that.  We finally got power back after almost a week without it and were able to stop our nomadic journey around town and come home at the  beginning of the week.  I am so very thankful for every little thing that our home has to offer and for the fact that we have it to come home to.  I am in no way complaining about what we dealt with, as I know it was nothing compared to what a lot of people are still dealing with on a daily basis after this storm.  I'm also thankful for the fact that we had kind family and friends to take us in and keep us warm.  I feel quite blessed.

Pregnancy wise, I'm officially in the third trimester.  I have no idea how that happened or where the time has gone.  I know that it's different this time then it was last time.  I am more worn out, more sore, bigger sooner, and just generally feeling this pregnancy more.  The baby currently growing inside me is much more active then Bean ever was and is lower then she was.  I have been kicked in places I never was before and literally have felt like this baby was trying to relocate my uterus to my chest on several occasions.  I am thankful everyday for the fact that I'm pregnant and there is a little part of me that is fearful everyday too.  The fact that I hurt more or feel like I'm pushing my body more then I was with Bean worries me.  How do I know when I've gone to far?  Will I know it when I'm physically in trouble or before?  I don't know.  I feel like it's impossible for me to do less then what I'm doing.  So I just do my best and hope it's enough, but I still worry.

I'm also spending an awful lot of my computer time away from this blog.  Not by choice, but because there are just so many things I feel like I need to figure out and get done and not nearly enough time to do them.  Right now my online time is divided between christmas shopping, researching VBAC's, and my new obsession which is making my own cleaning products, laundry detergent, dish soap, etc and finding nontoxic products like shampoo, soap, etc.  

The christmas shopping feels like it needs to be done yesterday as I'm going to have a million and one things to do once the holiday gets closer, and few of them will have anything to do with Christmas.  I want to get as much done as early as I can because I want to make sure that this Christmas is special for Bean.  It is my favorite holiday in so many ways.  I love the feeling of giving a gift to someone that you feel like they will love and shows them how much you love them.  I love the magic that surrounds that day.  For me that magic lasted well into childhood and beyond.  My grandfather had a lot to do with that and while he's been gone for ten years now, I miss him all the time and keeping his spirit of Christmas alive makes me feel like I'm keeping him alive too.  I want to pass on that magic and joy to Bean and make sure that she feels Christmas in the way that it was intended and not the crazy beast it has become.  I don't want it to get lost this year because our lives are so crazy.  I don't want her to get lost.

As for the VBAC research, I'm so on the fence.  My gut wants to try for a VBAC because I feel like there are so many good reasons for it, but the fearful side of me thinks I should just do the repeat c-section and not risk it.  Even though I know that there is just as much risk there, just in different ways.  I can't quite figure it out, or find many people to share their experiences with me or ask questions of.  If anyone has an opinion or story in this regard, I would LOVE to hear it.  I so want to feel like I'm making the right, informed choice.

And finally, my new obsession.  I read an article awhile back about how some hygiene products have formaldehyde in them.  Seriously!!!!  I never really thought about all of that before, which is foolish.  I have been buying more thoughtful products for Bean ever since she was born and am fully on board with eating organically as much as possible.  I realized how silly it is for me to just worry about Bean though and not the rest of us.  I want to be here for a long time for my girl.  So I started researching all the stuff in the products we use everyday, and it's pretty scary.  I have spent a lot of time figuring out alternatives and trying to find the best options for us.  I'm getting there, but it's time consuming.  In the end, I think it will end up saving us money too if I can make some of my own things.  I just can't afford to buy all the wonderful nontoxic products that they make out there, so we'll see how I do making it myself.  The supplies arrived today for my first batch of laundry detergent.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Mentally, I'm feeling a bit frazzled.  The whole, so much to do, so little time to do it problem.  But in the midst of our week without power, as I was worrying about all the time we were losing to get things done (although I am thankful for the kick in the butt to get our basement cleaned up in case it took on water), I realized how foolish it all was.  The list that I have of things that "have" to get done before the baby comes doesn't matter.  Would it be nice for them to get done?  Of course.  But at the end of the day, there are two important things that need to happen when this baby comes.  It needs to be healthy, and so do I.  If both of those things happen, the rest will all fall into place.  So the list matters less these days and I'm trying to give myself a bit of a break.  I'm trying to soak in all the wonderful things that Bean does everyday and make sure I spend time to actually sit down with her and enjoy it.  Pretty soon my attention will really be divided and I want to make sure I remember every moment of Bean before and after baby.  I want to make sure she knows how much she is loved, how precious she is, and what a gift I get everyday that I get to spend with her.

All that to say, I'm here I guess.  Doing my thing everyday, and trying to figure out what the next day will bring.  I'm certainly not doing it all perfectly, or gracefully, but I'm doing the best I can in each moment and trying to forgive myself the rest.  

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A small update

I feel like I say this again and again, but time keeps chugging along and I can't keep up.  I have several half written posts that haven't made it to completion.  The one that I struggled with the most and I regret not finishing is the one about Stella.  If you haven't had a chance to read her story or give your condolences to her amazing parents, stop by.  I spent over a year following her story and it has honestly changed me in many ways.  I only wish something could have been done to keep her here.

We are currently in a bit of a pickle, although it really isn't huge when I think about Stella or even other people reeling from the storm that just came through the Northeast.  We've been without power since Monday night and are currently staying with a kind friend of ours as we don't have any idea really when it will be back.  Since we've lived in our house, I've gone through the no power for days on end routine multiple times and hubby and I are seriously considering investing in a generator at this point.  I am ever thankful that we have had people to help us and keep us out of the cold the last few times, but I have to admit that I miss being at home in our normal routine.  Bean clearly misses it too, she's been out of sorts all week and our little fluff ball hasn't been eating much himself.

In all of the craziness that the last few days have brought, I hit the last week before the third trimester comes with little fanfare.  It's hard to believe that we've come this far already.  I am thankful that things have been relatively uneventful and hope that they stay that way.  I'm getting bigger and bigger but still have moments of anxiety until I feel that little one bopping around in there, then things ease up a bit (that's a hint little one, start bopping!).  We have a lot on our plate to get done before January, but I have come to realize over the last few days and weeks that it really doesn't matter.  They are all things that would be nice to accomplish but the main objective is to have a healthy baby and a healthy mama at the end of all this.  If we accomplish just that, I will be more happy then I can say.

I know this isn't a real post or much of an update.  I've been trying to keep up with everyone amidst all the craziness with various levels or success.  Hopefully once the power comes back and life gets a little closer to normal, I'll be able to tackle that all a bit better.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Is it possible to have a voice and not a face?

I've been stewing lately.  Trying to figure some things out.  And generally, I've been a grump.  I'm not sure I can even entirely put into words why.  Mostly it's been about feeling like I have to give to all of these other people before I can give to myself and my family.  That wears me down.  That unrelenting sense of obligation coming from all corners of the world.  But that's not what's on my mind right now.

Besides all that, I've been angry lately.  Really angry at infertility in a way that I haven't been in a long time.  Not for myself.  I actually have been kind of thankful for my own infertility in a way, as sick as that sounds.  I don't know if you remember but I wrote awhile back about dear friends of ours that we visited this summer and discovered were in the thick of their own infertility battle.  It broke my heart then and continues to now.  I've been talking with them a lot lately and it's the first time I've really experienced infertility from the outside in such a personal way, because it's someone we know so well.  I've been trying to do whatever I can to make this easier for them, although I know that's impossible.  That's why I've been thankful for my own experience.  I feel like it's helped me so much as I try to be there for them while they go through this.  Mostly I know enough to just try to listen.  But seeing them hurting, I know that hurt.  And I would do anything to take it away from them.  And it makes me MAD.  Mad that infertility hurts so many people, that the general public is so bad at figuring out how to be thoughtful or considerate to us, that politicians think they have some kind of right to tell us how to make our dreams of family a reality, and that money is such a huge factor in all of it.

It makes me feel like I've been sitting around doing nothing since Bean was born.  Like somehow I should have been doing something to make a change so that magically in the last two years I could have made it different for our friends.  For anyone.  And what crushes and motivates me the most is thinking ahead for Bean.  PCOS is a hereditary condition and when I think about the idea of her going through what we went through if she wants to have a family, it's just more then I can handle.  I want her reality to be different, but if she has to face the same things that we faced, I want it to be easier for her.  I want her to have more opportunities and less worries.

My problem is that I just don't know where to start, and I've realized through this blog that I have worries about talking about everything publicly.  I don't have a problem talking at all about our experience, but I have a hard time talking about other peoples interactions with out situation.  Some of the most hurtful reactions or things that were said to us where from friends and family.  Hubby and I both have tried to address that to some degree and it's without much success.  It's actually led to some major problems within our families and outside relationships.  So the problem that I've been struggling with is how can I find my footing to try and make a change in the world at large as it relates to infertility, if I don't feel like I can speak honestly about it without hiding behind anonymity.  Even in this space where I am anonymous, I still guard myself.  There are so many things I've wanted to write about lately but I worry so much that if either of our families found this space and realized it was me (unlikely I know), that those relationships would get really difficult.

So I'm struggling wondering if it is possible to have a voice and make change without throwing yourself into the fire.  More so though, I'm wondering how much I care.  The people in our families and closest to us should want change in the world of infertility.  If they care at all about us, they should support us and allow us to be vocal about all of it.  I just know that the dream of that and the reality are different.  So where do I draw the line?  Is it more important for me to be vocal, visual, and forge ahead to hopefully make change for Bean, or to worry about trying to keep peace.  I know the answer in my heart and even in my head, but I also know the reality of it all and that it's not as easy as it sound.  And that makes me angry too.  So I'm in a weird place right now.  Happy as can be with my little family and mad as hell at the world in the same moment and trying to figure out where to go from here.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Best doctors appointment in quite awhile

Sorry it took me so long to update about our ultrasound.  Life keeps moving along at a faster pace even though I wish it to slow down as much as I can.  I won't keep you in suspense though, everything is wonderful.  It was the best doctors appointment that I've had in a long time.  Partially because the perinatologist that we saw is one of the best doctors that I've seen in a long time.

The ultrasound itself started off a little rocky.  The tech asked me if I had to use the bathroom a lot which I of course said yes to.  Then I asked why she was asking and she mentioned that the baby was pretty low down and that she couldn't actually see my cervix (!?!?!).  Not the best thing to say to an anxious pregnant woman.  So I was tense through the first part of the scan until the tech announced that she had indeed located my cervix and that it looked just fine.  The rest of the time hubby and I just sat back and enjoyed seeing our little one on the big screen.  S/he wasn't as cooperative as Bean was at 20 weeks.  She must have been in the perfect position.  This little one was on it's belly with it's head down, so they had a hard time seeing everything that they wanted to see, and the photos we got this time are much more entertaining then they were last time.  It was so fun to see our little one bopping around in there again!

After the scan the doctor came in and he was just fantastic.  First, he told us how wonderful everything looked.  My arteries have opened up and I'm no longer considered abnormal (!!!!) so I can stop taking the aspirin (!!!!).  There are no signs of birth defects or indications that this baby is anything but perfectly healthy.  We're so relieved.  He talked over all of my issues with us, which was great.  Most doctors either have no idea what half of my problems are, or they just kind of gloss over it all.  I take everything very seriously and so did he.

He even said that he's telling my OB that I should have scans again at 28 and 35 weeks.  This wasn't something that happened in my first pregnancy and I was so anxious going from 20 weeks to the day Bean was born before I saw her again.  When I mentioned this he basically said that everything was perfect now, but that I did have risk factors and that he wouldn't feel comfortable just assuming that everything would be okay from here on out.  Then he said that this is an IUI pregnancy, it's a precious, hard earned pregnancy and he wants to make sure to do all he can to deliver what we've worked so hard for.  I didn't know if I should hug him or just burst into tears.  He was the most personable doctor that I've experienced in all of my infertility and pregnancy journeys.  It finally felt like somebody understood and it was such a wonderful feeling.  Really wonderful.

It was a wonderful day and we've been riding the high from it for the last week.  I'm planning on trying to ride that as far as I possibly can.  Finally, until I have a reason to believe otherwise, I'm going on the belief that this baby is okay and that we're all going to be okay.  Viability will of course be another wonderful milestone to hit.  I'm just so thankful.  For good news and for the kind man who delivered it.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Feeling normal, momentarily

I was at story hour with Bean today and happened to overhear two of the other moms talking.  I hadn't noticed until that moment that they were pregnant, even though I saw them at the first session last week, which kind of amazed me because usually I zone in on pregnant people.  They were talking about the sex of their babies and if they were finding out or not.  One had two boys already and the other had one.  They were both talking about how everyone kept thinking they must want a girl.  And the one mom said something about how she just wanted a baby and what a gift that was.  In that moment, I felt so connected to that mom.  I'd spoken to her briefly before, and I wished then that I was better at making friends with people I didn't really know because those words told me a lot about who she is as a parent, and I can relate.

Somehow I managed to find my way into their conversation (which is impressive because I'm not good at those things) and we discovered that we're all due within a month of each other.  For the next little while we just sat there talking about pregnancy things, and it felt natural.  I felt like a normal person.  I didn't once have the urge to blurt out that I'm broken and can't make babies on my own or that I had a miscarriage once and it makes me terrified often during pregnancy.  When I mentioned my 20 week ultrasound today (can you believe it??), I didn't even have the urge to add anything about my messed up arteries that can't seem to get enough blood where it needs to go (which I'm hoping have magically fixed themselves).  I just talked like a normal person.  Told the funny story of hubby trying to announce in the operating room whether Bean was a boy or a girl (he was a bit flustered) and I belonged.  For a minute.

Then I came home, got Bean lunch and down for a nap, did a bunch of things around the house and sat down for a minute before it's time to go to this ultrasound.  And I started thinking and worrying.  Hoping that this afternoon will be fun and put our minds at ease instead of giving me more to worry about.  It is reassuring feeling this little baby bopping around in my belly now, but seeing him or her, knowing for sure what's happening and what that means, it's something totally different.  And then I felt like myself again.  Kind of broken.

And for a minute it made me sad.  Sad that I can't be normal and just find peace and joy in every moment of my pregnancies.  That I can't always be the one busting out a funny story.  But that didn't last either.  I am who I am.  My life has made me this way, infertility has made me this way, and I cherish every single moment of who I am and what I'm doing right now, even the hard ones and the broken ones, and sometimes the normal feeling ones.  So I'm going into today with the hope that all will be well and that this baby growing inside me will stay put for a long time and be as healthy as can be when it's born.  I know there's a possibility that my reality in a few hours or weeks or months could be very different, but I'll figure that out when it comes.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

A complicated thing

I've been trying to figure out how to talk about last weekend.  I can't quite figure out what I want to say or how I want to say it.  And I've been busy dealing with the aftermath of my trip.  Bean has been seriously out of sorts.  We've had more temper tantrums since I got home then I think we've had in her whole life.  I don't know if it was just that I was gone and this made her brain think about things it never had thought about before or if she's just tired or had a different diet then usual.  I don't know exactly what, but she's not herself and while she is "recovering" from it, it's been a bit of an overwhelming week.

The trip that I went on last weekend was with my college girlfriends.  We graduated ten years ago (which is so hard to believe) and have not only stayed friends but actually have grown to be better friends I think.  Which I have to say is pretty amazing, because for most of that time we all lived in different places and had very different lives.  Every year though we got together at least once and tried to do more if we could.  Once I got married (I'm the only one who is), they welcomed hubby in with open arms (they'd known him all along but it was nice to have him included in our get togethers that used to be for just us) and we had less time on our visits that were just for the girls.  A dinner out usually but that's about it.  The last time we all were together on a get away, just the four of us, was well before Bean was born.  We were busy planning something for all of us, including hubby and Bean, in December, but when I realized that I would be due the end of January, that went out the window.  So we rescheduled and ended up with a weekend about six hours away from my house, just the four of us.

During the planning stages, this seemed like a fine idea but the closer it got the harder it became to actually think about doing it.  It's not that I don't love my friends, I do very much.  And I know how lucky I am to have college friends that have become life long friends.  Not even friends, I consider them my family at this point.  They are the sisters I never had.  I don't really know how to explain it without sounding like I don't appreciate my friends or the relationships that we have developed, which means I haven't been talking about it.  But I need to talk about it a little.  I just have realized over the last few years since Bean came along, that she and hubby are my favorite people in the world.  And that if I have the choice, I would always rather have them with me or be where they are, then be without them.  There are moments sometimes when I remember what it was like to go out to eat and not have to base my order on what a toddler would eat some of, or how long it's going to take me to eat it, or some other factor.  And there are times when I do long for adult company and conversation.  But I always feel like I can find ways to balance that into my life without having to completely separate myself from my family.  More then anything, I want to be with them all the time, and no matter how much fun I might be having or how much I might be enjoying the people I'm with, being without them is like having a hole in my heart and I just can't ignore that.

All that to say that while it was wonderful to see my friends and all be together again, it was really hard for me.  Two of us drove up together so I was without a car, and I may have looked up train schedules the first night in case I wanted to make a quick getaway home.  I made it through the weekend though and it wasn't without it's benefits.  I had the chance to enjoy lots of adult conversation, eat tons of food a toddler wouldn't touch, reconnect with my dear friends, and even shop at a variety of stores for as long as I wanted (although all I bought were things for Bean).  Hubby had the chance to see what it's like to be on your own with a toddler for an extended period.  He got to enjoy being with Bean all the time and when I got home he was very appreciative and aware of all the things I do on a regular basis.  And Bean made it through too.  She got to see that the world doesn't end when I'm not there and that I do come back.  She had fun with her daddy, I'm sure got spoiled, and generally had a fun, although also tempered weekend.  There really wasn't anything bad about it so to say, but it left us all feeling a little incomplete for awhile and I'm not sure we've all recovered from it yet.  Maybe I'm strange, I don't know, but I like being with my family.  No, I love being with my family.  And that's always what I would choose if life wasn't somewhat complicated.  In the end, I'm okay with all of that, and all I can do is hope that the other people I share my life with, who I also consider to be family in one way or another, understand.  I do wish though that I had a better way of explaining it all.

Friday, August 31, 2012

I think there's something wrong with me

So tomorrow I'm leaving for the weekend.  I'll be gone for four days and three nights.  So far the longest I've ever been away from Bean for is a night.  Needless to say, I'm having a hard time with this.  Not in the way most people would expect either.  I know Bean will be in good hands.  I know hubby will do an amazing job and it will be a special weekend with them spending time together just the two of them.  I know that and I'm not really worried about that at all.  Will I miss them?  Ridiculously.  They are my favorite people in the world and I want to spend every second I can with them.  The problem I'm having is that this idea of going away for a short time is bringing up one of my biggest fears.

When I think about traveling and going away by myself I always worry that somethings going to happen and I start imagining what would happen if I didn't come back.  What would life be like for Bean and hubby?  Even for the dog.  There's no way Bean could really understand.  Would she think that I had left her by choice?  How would she adjust to daycare?  And on and on.  I think of hubby and how he told me that the thirty minutes he was alone in the nursery with Bean while they were sewing me up from my c-section, were the scariest of his life.  That he never imagined doing that alone.  I know he could do it, but what would it be like for him?  Being a single dad.  I even think of our dog, who is a total mama's boy.  We got him in the worst part of our struggle to have Bean and I was home full time with him when he was a puppy.  He is in many ways my first baby.  And he knows when I'm gone.  He barks at every car door and awaits my arrival.  I imagine that scene from the movie "Ret.urn to Me" where the dog waits by the door for days expecting his mama to come home but she never does.  All of these thoughts, they gut me.

I used to worry about death in a selfish way.  I'd think of all the things I wanted to do and what I'd be missing.  I still do think about what I'd be missing and how sad that is, but now that I'm a mama I mostly think of it in terms of my family.  I want to be here for a long time for them.  I need to be here for a long time for them.  I don't know why trips like this always bring up these fears in me.  I know how fragile life is.  I know that every day is a blessing and trip or not, it can all be over much sooner then we expect or hope.  Somehow leaving my family though just brings it all out in me.  And maybe I'm crazy, but it makes me never want to leave.  I feel like everyone thinks I should be excited to get away and enjoy some "time off" but all I want to do is hold my baby and listen to her talk and laugh and grow.  Does that mean there's something wrong with me?

Saturday, August 18, 2012


While I was away on vacation I was trying desperately to keep up with all the blogs I read.  I may not have been commenting, but I was trying to read as much as I could in the few quiet moments that I had.  I have to admit, one of the posts that came up on my blog roll took me aback and I immediately jumped to conclusions that I had no right to jump to.

As I've mentioned before, I'm a teacher.  I don't have a classroom right now, but I still identify myself as a teacher, and I still am very interested in education and teaching as a whole.  I taught for several years in the inner city and it completely changed who I am.  Another piece of who I am, has to do with food.  As a kid I was overweight.  I look back on the food that I ate and I realize now that it wasn't so great.  Once I got to high school I realized I had some control over all that and lost a bunch of weight.  Now I'm really thoughtful about the food I eat, and especially the food I feed Bean.  These two parts of me collide together in certain ways.  Especially when I saw the free lunches that my kids ate when I was teaching.  It was pretty abysmal.  Which lead me to one of the few non-infertily blogs on my blog roll, Fed Up With Lunch.

I highly recommend that you check it out if you have an interest in either teaching, food, or both.  Mrs. Q took on the challenge of eating her schools lunch every day for a year and documenting it.  The results are fascinating and frighting at the same time and I've been following her for a long time.  It's one of the few blogs that isn't related to infertility or family that I follow and I've always enjoyed the kind of break in the norm.  So last week when I saw the title of her post pop up that said "Surprise, I'm pregnant," I had that heart sinking moment that infertiles are so familiar with.  Which doesn't make a ton of sense, because I'm pregnant too.

It's not actually the fact that she's pregnant that I reacted to, it's just the out of the blue announcement.  It seemed, so, foreign to me.  It seemed like the kind of thing that you see on Fac.ebook.  The, wow, I got pregnant out of the blue and now I'm telling the whole world a few weeks in kind of thing.  And I almost didn't click over and read the post.  I almost took her off my blog roll because I didn't want that same feeling coming over someone else visiting my blog.  But I realized that I needed to read the post.  And I'm glad I did, because I had it all wrong.  I read these words, and my heart dropped:

"Call me suspicious or paranoid (wait, you already did that back in 2010!), but I’m just one of those people who doesn’t always think things will go according to plan. It took awhile to achieve this pregnancy and so I’m not taking it for granted."

I made completely unfair assumptions about who she was and where she was coming from based on three words.  It reminded me once again that we're everywhere.  Those of us who don't get pregnant easily and who know that things can go wrong.  And I was kind of ashamed that I need to keep being reminded of that lesson.  So even though she never knew any of this and she really has no idea who I am, I feel the need to apologize to Mrs. Q.  I'm sorry and congratulations on your wonderful news, I'm really very happy for you.  And thank you for reminding me once again not to jump to conclusions, about anyone.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Looking forward

Yeah, I had a bit of a freak out.  It was partially about frustration with doctors, and partially about trying to get ready for yet another week long trip that we took.  We decided to go on this trip after we found out we were pregnant.  We knew that it might be awhile before we could go on long trips again and we have lots of friends all in one area of the country that we wanted to see.  So we went.  It was a whirlwind and while it was wonderful to see all those people, it was kind of exhausting jumping from place to place.  Bean was a trooper through it all but we are all excited to be home with almost all of our big trips out of the way.  I have one more on my own (eek!) over Labor Day, but otherwise we're hanging out here and kind of going into nesting mode from here on out.

As far as the whole doctor debacle, it ended up working out.  I saw an Endocrinologist yesterday and feel much better about the whole thing.  I also saw the OB on Monday and our little one is doing well in there.  Heartbeat is still strong, and that's a huge relief.  I also talked to him about my arteries not doing their job and he wasn't worried yet.  He said it could lead to lower birth weight or premature birth but that is relatively unlikely.  It was good to hear.  I go back to the OB in a month and soon after that we have our 20 week ultrasound.  I'm 16 weeks today and I can't even believe it.  I spent so much time worrying that half this pregnancy is almost over.

Which leads me from where I was, worried all the time, to where I am now, relatively calm.  I still have a hard time not being scared sometimes, but I've realized that we got this far and if something were to happen now, it would be crushing whether I worry about it everyday or not.  It's time to let go, it's time to dream, and it's time to really start thinking about and preparing for this baby.  Which lead us to finally tell Bean she's going to be a big sister, and to start telling other people in our lives that this little one is on the way.  Some of them already know and have just been waiting for us to start talking about it, because at this point all you have to do is look at me and you know I'm pregnant.  I'm ready to face everybody and talk about being pregnant.  I know I probably sound like a crazy person that it took me this long, but that's just the reality of the situation.  It took me awhile, but I got here, and I'm glad I did it on my own terms.

Friday, August 3, 2012


It's been a busy week with a lot of emotions running through my head after our ultrasound last week.  I've been on and off the phone with doctors the whole time.  Trying to figure out correct dosages for my B6 and B12.  Trying to make appointments with current and new doctors and I'm getting more and more frustrated with the medical profession.  Seriously, why is this so hard????

One of the things wrong with me (which it feels like the list is always growing) is that I have hypothyroidism.  My OB told me to have my thyroid checked once a trimester by my primary care doctor.  I did this last time around and it was no big deal.  Then the perinatologist told me that I should be having it done every 4-6 weeks.  So I immediately got an appointment with my primary care doctor and went in a few days ago.

Unfortunately I have switched primary care doctors since my last pregnancy and the one I'm currently seeing is worthless I discovered.  I'll be changing again as soon as possible.  When I told her what I needed she stammered a lot and basically told me that she didn't feel comfortable doing it.  Now, I'm pretty sure if I had the authority, I could dose myself.  All I need is the test results and what I'm guessing is just a freaking table in a book somewhere that the doctor looks at to see what your dosage should be if your results come back at a certain level.  This doctor actually was asking me what my thyroid hormone level should be.  And I knew.  AND SHE WROTE IT DOWN!!!  I was beyond livid with the whole thing.

In the end, she refereed me to an endocrinologist to do this because she didn't feel like she could.  She did run some blood work and got back my current level which she said was okay (and I called and checked what it was to be sure, since I knew the correct level AND SHE DIDN'T).  She also said she'd check it again in 6 weeks if I wasn't able to get an appointment with the endocrinologist before then.  So I called right away to make that appointment, only to discover that my primary care doctor had already made one for me, which she didn't tell me.  It's on October 23rd.  2 months away.  I'm due at the end of January.  So yeah, just in case they can't see me in 6 weeks, which she already knew.

In case you can't tell I'm beyond angry about the whole thing. Angry because as hard as I work and try and do everything every freaking doctor has ever told me to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have a healthy baby, I just can't do enough because I can't do their freaking job for them too.  Why is it so hard to get these people on my side???  The nurse at the endocrinologist when I was telling her I needed to see someone before that gave me a lot of, uh huh, oh, yeah, which all had no feeling or concern behind any of them.  She put me on some, probably imaginary wait list, and now I get to figure out, most likely on my own, where to go from here.

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm all alone trying to bring this baby into the world even though I'm surrounded by supposedly qualified professionals.  No wonder I worry so much.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

So close

We went in for our ultrasound today and everything was looking great.  Our baby had a strong heartbeat, was giving us some beautiful views of how wonderful s/he is, and in general looked magnificent.  There was a song playing on the radio in the background that just made me think that I needed to leave my worry behind, in that office.  That I needed to just walk away and be happily pregnant.

Then the doctor came in and told us that our baby looks beautiful and everything looks fantastic, except.  Ah, that wonderful word.  Except that my uterine arteries, which are supposed to open up to allow lots of blood to flow to the baby during pregnancy, somehow didn't get the memo.  So they aren't opening up like they should and there isn't as much blood getting down there as there should be.  For now, I have to take a low dose aspirin everyday and then I go back to the perinatologist again for my 20 week ultrasound instead of going to the OB.  He says in many cases this corrects itself by then.  But it doesn't always.  So if it doesn't then I'd be on a strict ultrasound schedule to make sure that the baby is okay and is growing well.  I didn't ask what happens at that point, if the baby isn't growing well, because I have a pretty good idea.  There isn't much they can do if a baby isn't growing well inside you except to deliver.  Sometimes I wonder if all my worrying creates actual things for me to worry about.  Like somehow the universe says "well hell, she's going to worry anyway, lets give her something to worry about!"  Stupid me.

The rest of the visit was pretty good.  I talked to the doctor about lots of things my OB is clueless about.  My MTHFR for one.  He advised me to either get my homosistene level checked or just start taking B12 and B6.  Since it won't hurt to do that, I'm going to just take the B12 and B6.  It will make me feel better in the long run.  And he told me that because of my PCOS I should get tested for gestational diabetes earlier, which nobody mentioned to me before.  He also told me that I needed to have my thyroid checked every 4-6 weeks (I have hypothyroidism) instead of once a trimester like my OB said.  And he confirmed that I can stop taking my progesterone suppositories.  The RE told me to ask my OB when to stop, the worthless OB at the group that I saw last time told me my RE should have told me when to stop, so I planned on just going until the end of the first trimester which is when I stopped with Bean.  Of course that's almost here and I was nervous about it, but the doctor today said all is well.  I mostly believe him.

It felt good to talk to somebody who knew what they were talking about (or at least put on a good show).  It's not that I don't trust my OB's (well, the worthless one I don't trust), it's just that they don't see all this stuff like the perinatologist does.  I mention MTHFR to them and they're pretty clueless.  I mention it today and he asks me which type I have.  It's a relief to talk to someone who gets it.  So I'm kind of relieved to go back there, but I'm not feeling good about the fact that I actually have a reason to go back there.  Before the doctor came in I was talking to hubby saying how I needed to get myself together because here I am all anxious and worrying and then I see women in the waiting room who clearly come here for all of their visits, because they actually have a reason too, and it makes me thankful.  Now I might be one of those women.  And I know that it could very well end up all being okay, but I can't help being scared and wishing that I could go back to worrying for no reason, because right now that seems pretty good.

It's going to be okay

So I know I said I'd stop talking about worrying soon, and I'm working on it.  It's just that I think I figured something out.  I always thought I'd be less worried the second time around, since I know that my body is capable of a successful pregnancy.  I thought that would make it easier.  Instead I find myself feeling more anxious this time.  Which may or may not be totally accurate.  I may just not remember well enough from last time.  But I think I finally figured out why that might be.

Last time, when I was pregnant with Bean, I did some blog reading.  I wasn't blogging publicly at the time and I didn't participate in the ALI community really.  I just read some blogs and mostly looked for people in similar situations to me.  Then after Bean was born I started this blog, and became more of an active member of the community.  Which lead me to a wider variety of blogs and I learned more and more about what other people go through.  Up until then I always thought that if something was wrong with your pregnancy, you'd know it right away.  Like I did when I had the miscarriage.  Then I learned that it's possible to think that everything is fine, go to the doctor, and find out that your baby is gone.  And I can't quite figure out how to come to peace with that.

I feel excited and confident after every doctors appointment.  Then in between I start to worry more and more.  How do I know that everything is okay?  How do I know that the next time I go to the doctor, it's going to be good news?  I have no way at this point.  I just have to go on faith and that can be scary sometimes.  I used to be pretty excited about doctors appointments and ultrasounds, now they make me nervous.  I'm not quite sure how to overcome that.  Except just convince myself that there's nothing I can do about all of it.  I have to just keep going every day with the assumption that all is okay until I'm given a reason to think otherwise.

Today is our first "big" ultrasound.  I'm a mix of excitement and nerves.  I'm also anxious because Bean has a babysitter which hardly ever happens.  I know she'll be fine, it's me I'm more worried about.  I have a hard time leaving her with anyone except hubby, which I know I have to get over.  And soon too since we can't take her to the hospital with us in January if everything goes as planned.  I'm working on all of it, because it's all related to the same thing.  I have to believe that things will be okay even if I can't see what's happening every second.  I'll get there, I hope.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Cleaning house

Today I was cleaning up my bedroom and I finally took the box off the top of my dresser.  It's my med box from our last cycle, filled with my extra viles of medicine, needles, alcohol wipes, etc.  The sharps container and one box of alcohol wipes were still by the sink in the bathroom.  Even after we got the good news, I couldn't really put them away.  I was still convinced I might need them soon.  Today I boxed it all up.  I just moved it to a shelf in the top of my closet, because I know I'm not ready to get rid of it yet.  I know there's still a possibility that I will need it again soon.  But for now it's out of sight and hopefully out of mind.  I've been feeling very lucky the last few days for my life, my friends, and my family.  It's easy to just think about the scary and bad in the world, especially at times like these.  But I'm making a conscious effort to try and put it all out of my mind.  There's only so much you can do.  At some point you have to just live your life.  So today I boxed up how we got pregnant and I'm just focusing on being pregnant.  And I promise, one of these days soon I'll have more to talk about then just how scared I am to let go and enjoy this.  I'm really trying hard to get there and I'm so thankful for all the support I have along the way.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

A common bond

While we were on vacation we had the opportunity to visit some wonderful friends of ours that we went to college with.  It was one of the highlights of our trip as we haven't seen them in years and they haven't even met Bean before.  It was much too short of a visit but worth the long drive and we enjoyed every second.

We weren't there for very long when we learned that our dear friends were dealing with some of the same hurdles to starting their family that we had.  I was heartbroken for them.  This is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and to see such good people and dear friends going through it, it brought back a lot of feelings, especially those of how unfair all of this is.  The night before we left we found ourselves sitting around a table with our friends, and friends of theirs who are also going through infertility.  I had never been surrounded by so many couples who really understood.  I can't even describe what that was like.  I could try, but I just don't feel like I could do it justice.  It changed me though.

It gave me perspective once again on where we've been, on how many other people out there are going through this, and how in certain ways we've come out the other side.  I've always said that I will never be living after infertility, I will always be living with it, even after we're done growing our family, and that hasn't changed.  But when you're sitting around a table with wonderful people talking about the heartache, financial difficulties, and generally crappiness that comes along with all this, it's hard feel a little like I shouldn't even open my mouth.  Our beautiful baby girl was sleeping upstairs and these two incredible couples are still waiting for their miracle.  Not only that, but we have our second growing inside me right now.  What I wouldn't give for us all to have little ones sleeping upstairs, as many of them as we want.

But life isn't like that.  And the reality of it all is that for some people, it just never happens.  I've known that all along and when I was going through it the first time, I was so terrified that could be me.  Now I see that in other people and all the worry that I'm putting into my current pregnancy, well, it makes me feel a little foolish.  Yes, I will always be infertile, and I will always feel infertility, but part of that should be, no needs to be, that I can feel the joy of finally achieving my dream, for however long it lasts.  That I can feel the fear but also be able to put it in a box.  That I can control it instead of it controlling me.  Because there was a time when I didn't know if I would ever have one baby and while I know that other people are in that same situation every day, seeing it on the faces of my friends, reminded me how that used to feel.

So I feel like to do my friends justice, to be in this with them, I need to start figuring out how to control the fear instead of letting it control me.  Sitting at that table, that night, I was the lucky one.  As crappy as all of our stories were, as hard as every single journey was and still is, I am the lucky one because I have Bean, this new little one, and people who can honestly sit at that table and support me.  Tell me that I give them hope.  I'm not sure I could have done that myself before Bean.  In turn, they all gave me hope.  Hope that someday we'll all have our families, however they come to be, and that the journey that got us there will be just a reminder of how much we should cherish it and not something to bring up sadness, fear, worry, and doubt.  I'm hanging onto hope and boxing up the fear, for myself, my friends, and all of you out there still in the thick of it.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Vacation revelation and a call from the RE

Well, I neglected to mention last time that the reason hubby was off for the week was because we were headed on vacation.  It was also the reason the doctor brought me in for an ultrasound that Friday.  Since we were going to be out of town for a little over a week, they wanted to be sure that everything was okay.  We had a nice time on our trip and it was great to get away, but about half way through the week I had a little bit of a breakdown.  It's hard traveling with a toddler sometimes (even though overall she did AMAZINGLY well), and it's also hard when you're not feeling like yourself.  Which I'm still not.  We're almost at 12 weeks (which I can't even believe) and I'm still fighting that constant nausea and tiredness along with a few other things.

It was just hard to feel like I was truly on vacation, and then I got a call from the OB that I tested positive for a urinary tract infection at my ultrasound and that I needed to start on an antibiotic.  Which of course made me worry.  I never had to take any kind of medication other then tyl.enol when I was pregnant with Bean.  I know that my doctor said this is common and the medicine is safe for our little one, but it kind of tipped me over the edge and made me realize that what I wanted to take a vacation from more then anything else, was the worry that had been hanging over me since we got that first positive beta.

I want so badly to just turn off my brain for a short time and not think about every twinge I feel, or worry about the bad things that can happen.  There are moments when my brain stops confining itself and I'll think about what could happen.  I'll think about January, when we will hopefully have a new baby.  I'll start making plans.  And then I freak out and make myself stop and hope that I haven't somehow jinxed myself by thinking so boldly.  No matter what I do, I can't take a vacation from all that.  It follows me wherever I go and the moment I realized that, I broke down.  Poor hubby was amazing and did his best to help me bring it all under control and we did have a good time.  I'm just itching to get out of the first trimester.  I'm SO looking forward to feeling this baby move which always brings me such comfort.  Mostly though, I'm looking forward to January, when hopefully I'll be holding this baby in my arms.  Because I know from last time that as much as I try to enjoy every day, it won't be until that moment that I completely believe this is going to happen and my worry can finally rest.

On a completely separate topic, while Bean and I were doing that post-vacation grocery shopping trip today (so exhausting!!), I got a call from my RE's office.  I always kind of expect that if they're calling me now it's about a bill that hasn't been paid yet or something.  Instead she was asking me if I wanted to be part of a video shoot that they're doing next week with success stories from my RE's office.  I had no idea what to say so I told her that I'd have to think about it.  Normally, my first reaction would just be to say no to something like this and I still think I am, but I had to think about it for a minute.

I do want to share my infertility journey, I want to get the word out, I don't want to be silent about this.  However, I also don't neccesarily want to be PR for my RE's office.  Because I'm sure the story that is going to be told is the success side, but that's not just what this journey is for me.  Yes, it is a success because Bean is here and I am forever thankful to my RE for that, but the journey itself was about a lot of failure.  Are they going to ask about the 5 failed cycles and the two miscarriages that I had before Bean came along?  The tears that I cried and the worry that I went through while I was pregnant?  I doubt it.  Are they even going to ask about the first time around or just focus on the fact that I got pregnant on the first cycle this time?  There's so much more to it all then that.  I want my story to be out there, but I want it to be on my terms, and I want it to be going to the right people.  So I just don't think this is the path I want to take.  What would you do in the same situation?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Scary morning, but all is well

Just a quick update as things are busy busy.  This morning my heart stopped because I had some spotting and of course I started thinking the worst (like, damn it, I shouldn't have cut the tags off those maternity shorts, I did jinx myself!!).  I called my OB's office and they were super.  Even though it was pretty minimal they knew I was worried and that with the weekend and everything coming up they had me come in.  Not only did they do an exam, but they did a quick ultrasound and it felt like the biggest gift.  I was instantly relieved to see our little one bouncing around the screen and for the first time got to see little arms and legs and everything.  We also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time.  It was just such a relief.  I knew from the RE that I have a small subcorionic hematoma and the OB thinks that's where the spotting is coming from.  So I'm ordered to take it easy for the week and since hubby is actually off work (what a wonderful coincidence) that's exactly what I plan to do.  I want to write more, I'm just exhausted after a very busy week with family visiting and a very emotional day.  So good to know all is well in there though.  I will certainly sleep good tonight!

Sunday, July 1, 2012


I've been struggling with clothes.  At home I happily wear things that show off my obviously growing belly.  It certainly is growing earlier this time then last, and while it's easiest to blame the hyperstimulation, I think the fact that I never lost the last 5 pounds or so of my baby weight from Bean probably has a lot to do with it too (or maybe it was 10 pounds, if I'm being totally honest here which I should).

Anyway, I'm struggling when I go out.  I'm not ready tell the world at large that I'm pregnant. I'm 9 and a half weeks and I haven't seen our little one in almost two weeks.  The longer it goes, the more I worry that something has happened and I have no idea.  In two weeks we'll get to check on things in there again, but until then, I'll be nervous.  Anyway, back to the point.  I have about 4 outfits that I feel like make me look chubby and not pregnant.  I wear them a lot.  Anytime I leave the house.  And the pants, that situation is really starting to get dire.  So yesterday I went and tried on lots of pants/shorts/capris.  I tried to stay in the normal people department.  Why can't the world get on board with more elastic waistbands???  Come on.

Anyway, that wasn't happening so eventually I found myself in the maternity department, trying on some underbelly shorts and they were, so very wonderful.  I didn't want to buy them, I really didn't.  I feel like it's way to early to be making such a purchase.  But I'm desperate here so I bought two pairs.  They're still in the bag with the tags on.  I want desperately to wear them but am so afraid I'm asking for heartbreak.  Why can't I just go with it?  Why do I have to be so freaking nervous and worried all the time?  I know why, but sometimes I do wish it was different.

Friday, June 29, 2012

One of those weeks

It's been one of those weeks where it seems like I'm taking care of scrapes and bruises more then anything else.  Bean finally seems to have gotten rid of the black eye that she gave herself while playing in the laundry basket (she fell over in the empty basket, it flipped up and hit her in the face).  Then on Wednesday morning I heard that horrible sound of a little person tumbling down the stairs.  The way our house is setup, we only have about 5 or 6 stairs in a set, so she didn't fall that far, but it still made my heart stop.  She came out of it pretty well, except that she scraped all the skin off the top and end of her nose on the carpet at the bottom of the stairs.  She looks pretty sad.  Then this morning I picked her up at the door to say goodbye to hubby and she tells me that I bumped her arm and hurt it.  I didn't realize I did anything so I apologized and went on with life.  Until I realized that she was literally not using the arm.  I took another look and she showed clear signs of pain when I bent her arm.  So I watched a little longer to see if it would go away but after a half hour of this sad, one armed play time, I gave in to worry and called the doctors office.  I'm much more likely to worry about these things then hubby, so sometimes I worry that I'm overreacting, but I'm glad I called this time.  They got me in pretty much right away and as soon as we got there they knew immediately that she had a pulled elbow.  I had never heard of this, but the doctor was able to pop it back the way it should be in about two seconds and showed me how to do it too in case it ever happened again.  Bean started feeling better immediately and I was relieved.  Honestly though, it was about all this mama could take with everything else that I've had on my mind lately so I did what any good mother would do.  I took us both out for ice cream at 11 in the morning.  And I'm happy to report that we're both feeling much better : )

Saturday, June 23, 2012

8 weeks

Well, we were 8 weeks on Wednesday.  That's always the first benchmark I try to get to and the one where I say that I'll relax a little.  Which I don't think I have yet, but hopefully I'll get there.  Monday we went to the RE for the last time.  That was weird.  Not as weird as last time.  Last time we'd been going for a year and a half and had been through 6 cycles.  This time it didn't feel quite the same.  I spent hours in that waiting room last time.  Sometimes all on the same day, they weren't as timely then as they are now.  I remember sitting in that waiting room knowing I was miscarrying.  I can't tell you how many times I cried in that office.  A lot.  Here?  Not at all.  So it feels different, but still surreal.  We got to see our little one again and everything looked fantastic.  Strong heartbeat, growing right on schedule.  All good.

On Thursday I had my first appointment with the OB.  That was also surreal.  I sat there reading all this paperwork, talking to the nurse about whether we might want to do a VBAC or a repeat c-section and reviewing the procedures the hospital has for delivery and I couldn't wrap my brain around it.  I haven't thought about delivery.  I haven't let myself.  There are moments where my brain, of it's own accord, will say something to me about "when the baby comes" and I will go into lock down and yell at it to be quiet.  Seriously, do I sound like a crazy person or what???  I'm just so scared to think that far ahead.  To plan.  I talked to the nurse at the OB's office about this and she was very understanding.  But she was also reassuring.  She said everything at my ultrasound on Monday looked fantastic.  That there were not indications that anything was wrong.  Which I appreciate, although I still take it with a grain of salt.  I know all too well that things can be wrong without any appearance of it.

Now we're into the land of the normal pregnant people, even though I feel anything but normal.  I don't go back to the OB until the second week of July which feels forever away.  I'm still struggling to fit into my clothes normally.  I think I have little hope of going back to not looking pregnant at all.  I just have to decide when to embrace it.  Normally we don't feel comfortable telling the world until after we've hit the second trimester.  So do I try to just keep looking chubby and wear the few things that I have that don't make me look so obviously pregnant?  Or do I give in and go check out the maternity stash I have from Bean?  I'm still on the fence.  At home I wear whatever I want, it's when I have to go out that I worry about it too much.

So it may not sound like it from my tone, but everything is going wonderfully.  I'm still nauseous and exhausted but happy to be feeling pregnant all the time.  It just keeps feeling like this is all way too easy this time around.  I just can't let myself believe that we're here, and this is it.  I hope that gets easier.  I thought it would be easier this time around since I at least know that my body can be successfully pregnant. I don't know why there's this part of me that feels like I can't stop worrying because I didn't "earn" this more.  How crazy is that?  I'm working on trying to get there and I'm still focusing on trying to enjoy every day for what it is.  Today I'm pregnant, and ever so thankful for that.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

A long overdue update

It still feels kind of wrong, talking about things that are going right for me, when I know how things have gone so horribly wrong for others.  But I appreciate all of you and know that you've been keeping me in your thoughts so I can't keep you hanging any longer.

I went to the doctor on Monday for my latest ultrasound and they were able to see a heartbeat which was wonderful news.  I was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days which was just about right on (maybe a day behind) and they said everything looked wonderful.  My nurse called later with my blood work results and said that all looked great too.  She asked if I had my first appointment with the OB setup (which I didn't) because my last appointment with them would be this coming Monday (which I didn't even realize).  She also gave me my due date.  I felt, overwhelmed.  The RE is this little bubble of safety to some degree.  Now, I know things can, and have, gone wrong while still in her care, but the weekly ultrasounds, the nurse that I can email with, all of the ways that they put my mind at ease will soon be going away.  It's always the hope to graduate from the RE and yet it's somehow terrifying.  Jumping into the outside world where you're just some pregnant woman, where your doctors appointments are months apart, and your fears are seen as overly neurotic.  My OB's are pretty good, one more then the other two, but I never feel like they really get it and it's hard leaving all that no matter how badly I want to.  It's also scary for me to make that OB appointment because it's the first step in admitting to the outside world that you're pregnant.  You have to tell people, who you barely know, and act normal through it all.  I did call, but it took me a couple days.  I have my first appointment there next Thursday which will at least be reassuring I hope.

I've been a little worried this week.  Up until this point I was worried in a figurative way.  I didn't have any concrete reason to be worried, I just knew it was early and anything could happen.  This week I started feeling off in certain ways.  I was having some intestinal cramps (sorry if that's TMI).  My digestion always goes out of whack when I'm pregnant.  Or at least the three times I have been it has.  The scary thing is that when you have cramping in that part of your body, it isn't always easy to figure out right away.  I remember when I had the miscarriage, I was laying in bed in the middle of the night telling myself what I was feeling was just gas.  It became a chant in my head to keep me from freaking out.  Until I saw the blood.  You don't usually have that with gas.  This time I'm pretty sure it was just digestion issues.  But it threw me off none the less.  Then last night these little jabby pains have started on my right side.  While the hyperstimulation is getting better, I know my right ovary was the one that got the biggest and it has a pretty massive cyst.  So I started checking out my good friend Dr. and thoroughly freaked myself out.  I'm trying not to worry too much.  It got better after a good nights sleep last night and I'm pretty sure I've just overdone it since hubby was out of town for a few days.  If it gets worse I'll call the doctor but since I'm going in Monday, I'm hoping to hold out until then.

Otherwise things are going okay I think.  I'm nauseous all the time and food is becoming more challenging.  I'm figuring out ways to deal with it though and it's somehow reassuring to have some way to feel this pregnancy.  The only other anything that I have to report is that we finally told my mother-in-law about it all.  We'd been holding out because she hasn't been the most, tactful, person to deal with relating to the infertility.  I just couldn't handle the idea of having to sit down and go through it all with her.  We actually hadn't even told her we were trying again.  Mostly because she asked hubby some time ago if we had been back to the doctor, to which he said, yes, but we don't want to talk about it.  Then she said something about how that was okay, all that mattered was that we were trying (!!!!!) which made me so angry in so many ways that I didn't want to tell her anything.  I was honestly not looking forward to telling her our good news (how sad is that) so I asked hubby to do it the other night while she was here and I was putting Bean to bed.  He didn't get around to it though so we told her together and of course, it was ridiculous.  She asked how many babies and hubby told her one, to which she sighed and said "Oh. I was hoping for twins."  I could write a whole post about how this made me feel.  So angry and frustrated and just bewildered at how she's been around for our whole journey and yet still understands none of it.  But I'm already getting long winded here so I'll leave that to your imagination.  I'm sure you can figure it out :)

All that to say things are good as far as I know.  We'll get to see the little one for the last time for awhile on Monday and hopefully have my concerns about this little jabby pain put to rest.  Then it's graduation and off to OB land.  Hopefully for a long time and ending with a beautiful baby in our arms sometime around January 31st.  That's what I'm hoping for, another baby to hold.  And I'm hoping for that for all of you too who are dreaming of the same.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

So sad for my blog friends

I've been going back and forth all week trying to figure out what to post about.  Mostly because I'm still scared and I'm afraid if I say out loud the things I'm scared about, somehow it makes them more real.  I was all ready to get something written today though and I learned the heartbreaking news from both Leigh and Leslie.  I don't have the right words to tell them how sad I am for them.  I know they need as much support and love coming their way as they can get though.  I can't imagine how hard this must be.  So please head over and send your thoughts to them today.  I'll be back soon with an update.  It just doesn't feel right to do that today.

Monday, June 4, 2012


This morning I went in for my latest ultrasound because my doctor couldn't confirm that she could see the yolk sac when I went in on Friday.  Almost immediately after she started the ultrasound she said that she saw the yolk sac and I was immediately relieved.  She checked on the hyperstimulation too and while my ovaries are still huge and my abdomen is still filled with fluid, she says she thinks it's actually getting somewhat better and isn't too concerned. 

I am beyond thrilled about all of this.  I have been struggling a bit over the weekend.  I'm just not used to doing this with a toddler around!  I didn't realize how hard parts of it could be.  When I was pregnant with Bean I was pretty much nauseous all day long starting around 7 or 8 weeks.  It's started already this time and it's kicking my butt a bit along with the super tiredness.  I also seem to have gotten some kind of stomach bug which made me really nervous.  Hopefully I'm on the mend though and am figuring out how to make this all work this time around.  I'm beyond happy that I have the "problem" of trying to figure out how to make being pregnant work with a toddler, I just need a little time to get there and Bean isn't really willing to wait around while I figure it out.  Hubby has been super supportive though and I really do think I'm feeling a little better from the hyperstimulation, so I'm hopeful that it will all be under control soon.

Now I have to wait it out until next Monday for my next ultrasound.  If I'm remembering correctly there are two more at the RE's office before she would release me to my OB.  I'm so hopeful that things continue to go well and we make it to that point.  I'm not really letting myself think that far ahead yet.  It still feels so unreal and unbelievable, but I have to say that the way my body is feeling is actually kind of a relief.  I'm happy to be feeling this pregnancy everyday because it puts my mind at ease to some degree.  The only time in my life I'm really happy to be nauseous :)  And the only time that I'm so excited for a bowl of chicken soup!  Normally I can't stand the stuff (I have no idea why) but tonight, man did it taste good.

Friday, June 1, 2012

I caved

So I realize it was just one more day, but I caved this morning and asked my nurse if I could come in today because I was feeling nervous about the hyperstimulation.  Last night I started noticing the fact that I was working harder to take deep breaths.  It was still happening when I woke up this morning and it freaked me out.  So I talked to the nurse and she told me to come in.

I had to sit around for awhile and wait for the doctor to free up, but once she did it was SO worth it.  First of all, she took a look and said that I am full of fluid and my ovaries are three times bigger then they're supposed to be, but she's not worried at this point.  She gave me some things to do, told me it might get worse before it gets better (eek!), and generally alleviated my fears.  She also saw one beautiful gestational sac.  She said she thought she saw a yolk sac but she wants me to come back in on Monday just to confirm it.  They ran my blood work again and all that looked fine and it was rising just like it should.  I didn't ask for the beta number this time because I trust them and I don't want to make myself crazy.

Yes, I probably could have waited until tomorrow and I may have overreacted, but I feel like a totally different person.  As I was putting Bean down for her nap I was thinking about why I was so fixated on worrying about multiples even though it was so unlikely and why I wasn't worrying more about miscarriage even though that's more likely (and still is possible).  Part of it was the hyperstimulation, it did take me by surprise and freak me out.  But I think what I was doing was trying to fixate on anything but miscarriage.  I've been down that road, right around this time in my first pregnancy, and I'm still pretty scared about the possibility.  At least when I was fixating on the idea of multiples it involved there still being babies.  Somehow it's easier to focus on a lot of babies then no babies.

Now that multiples are off the table, all I have left to worry about is getting through the first trimester.  Then the second, and the third.  You know the drill.  One day at a time.  Today I got my first picture of our new little baby and that made today amazing.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Working toward Saturday

First of all, I have to thank you all for the well wishes and words of support.  It means so much to me and I've been struggling to make it through this week, so it's been so great to be able to see all the people who are pulling for us.  Thank you!!!!

There's so much to say, I'll try to be coherent, but I can't make any promises.  This week has been hard.  The two week wait wasn't that hard for me this time.  I got anxious right at the very end but I felt okay getting through it.  This week hasn't been that way.  Part of it is that I haven't felt so great.  I've been feeling the effects of Ovarian-Hyperstimulation and it's been a little rough.  On top of the physical difficulties I've been having because of this, the emotional toll took me by surprise.

When we were trying to get pregnant with Bean, we told the people who were close to us everything.  Then when a cycle didn't work, I had to let all of those people know it didn't work.  It got harder and harder to do and it felt crushing over and over again.  So this time around we haven't told that many people.  It's been so nice and even more wonderful to know that we had this amazing little secret that we could share when we wanted.  Then at the beginning of the week I started looking pregnant because my belly is so bloated.  I swear I have no clothes that disguise the belly.  I started to freak out because not only does this mean we're going to have to tell people we know, but we also have to tell people we don't know as well who all the sudden think I'm pregnant.  And then I have to either lie or tell them and explain our whole situation because the next question after, are you pregnant is when are you due, and I don't even know the answer to that yet.  It feels even more overwhelming then it did last time because then we just had to tell people who were close to us.  Now it feels like I have to face the world.

It's not that I mind talking about infertility, I don't.  I just want to do it on my terms and I'm not ready to tell the world that I'm pregnant a week after I found out myself.  That's not me and I'm not ready for it to be me.  On top of that, the hyperstimulation has made me worry about other things.  I feel like most people who hyperstimulate do IVF.  I didn't though, we did IUI's which makes me wonder what's going on in there.  I worry that if I'm hyperstimulated then that means there were too many follicles and if there were too many follicles, then I worry about how many babies there are.  Then in the next moment I can swing the other direction and worry that when we go in on Saturday there won't be any babies.  I'm seriously making myself nuts and have felt on the verge of a panic attack several times.

Last night I found myself laying in bed crying to hubby about how scared I am about all of it.  How I'm worried about what we'll do if we're pregnant with multiples(and by multiples I mean more then twins).  When we were trying the first time we always said we wouldn't do anything.  We would take however many babies came to us.  And I still feel the same way now, but my thoughts are somewhat different.  Now I'm thinking about Bean and how all of it would change her life.  I know the risks to myself with multiples and how I need to be here for her.  There are so many ways that I worry about this and I lay there last night crying to hubby about how Bean is perfect and I'm just so scared I'm going to screw her up.  I'm a mess.

Adding to my anxiety, I got together with another mom I know this week who also has been through infertility.  In the first ten minutes I saw her she asked if I was pregnant.  Which to me is something that you NEVER ask an infertile person.  I might expect that from someone else, but I thought she'd understand.  So I explained the situation to her and she immediately said something about hyper-stimulation and how that means I could be pregnant with multiples.  Which I of course know and am already thinking about and don't need any reinforcement of.

I don't want this to sound in any way that I'm not thankful to be pregnant.  I am SO thankful.  It's still surreal.  It's just so different then last time.  I'm already feeling pregnancy symptoms (which is so reassuring but also makes me wonder again), I have the hyperstimulation, and I'm scared in so many ways.  So thankful and so scared and I just want to know.  I just want to know what's going on in there so that I can get a grip on myself.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Thoughts and numbers

I'll give you the numbers first.  My beta on Thursday was 188.  Today it was 394.  So I feel good.  My doctor is happy and I go back next Saturday for blood work and an ultrasound.  That feels like a LONG time from now.  As far as how I feel physically, I'm exhausted.  I've been exhausted but now at least I know there's a good reason for it besides cutting out caffeine.  My stomach has started to feel a little yuck which surprises me because that didn't set in until later when I was pregnant with Bean.  I'm definitely have some emotional issues that I feel like are out of my control.  I'm feeling kind of pregnant, which is a relief.

All of this is so surreal though.  I honestly didn't expect our first cycle to work.  I mean, I know we went through a lot of trial and error and figured out what worked when I had Bean.  But just because that worked then, doesn't mean it was going to work now.  I should be really excited and thrilled that this has happened so fast, but instead I'm pretty freaked out.  It feels too easy.  I keep waiting for the bad news because it feels like too much good.  When I told hubby that it was too easy he gave me a crazy look and said that while it might seem easy compared to last time, it hasn't been in the grand scheme of things.  Between feeling forced to wean Bean, having surgery, and having to keep pushing everything back for reason after reason, he's right to some degree.  It hasn't been easy, just easier.  I mean, we started this whole journey last August.  It feels like it happened fast but in reality it's been in the works for awhile.  It's been in my head, on my heart, and part of our world for even longer then that.

I still feel infertile and I still feel scared because part of being a member of this community is that you hear everyone's stories.  The good and the bad.  I know what can happen and what does happen all the time.  I know that a positive pregnancy test isn't the end of the line.  I lived that once and so many others have lived it more then that.  I know the heartbreak that can come at any moment.  But I'm trying to live with the feeling I did when I was pregnant with Bean.  My philosophy then was to think every morning "today I'm pregnant" and focus on enjoying and getting through that day and not thinking about what could happen.  So today I'm pregnant.  And I am excited.  I'm SO excited.  But I'm scared and I know it's so early.  I'm cautiously optimistic and hoping that in the next few weeks all of this worry will melt away to some degree.

I know this is going to be the hardest week.  We never made it to our first ultrasound when I got pregnant on my first cycle when we were trying to have Bean.  I don't remember if they did them later then, but I know we never made it.  I know we're not going to be able to see much at the ultrasound, but just knowing that what's supposed to be there is there, will be a relief.  So I'm looking forward to it.  To knowing more.  Hopefully this week will go by quickly and will be uneventful.  Thank you all for your continued support and well wishes!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The results are in...

.....and I'm pregnant!!!  I can't even believe it.  My nurse called two hours after they took my blood and I was such a spaz I hadn't remembered to turn the ringer back on.  I called back though and got to talk to her so she could tell me the good news herself.  She says everything looks good.  I don't remember the exact beta number, I was too much in shock.  It was over 100 though which seems good.  I go back Saturday to make sure everything is going up like it should.  I have a million thoughts going through my head right now and a million things that I want to say but I just can't get them out.  I wanted to let everyone know though because I know you're all hoping and wishing along with me and I can't tell you how much that means to me.