Pregnancy wise, I'm officially in the third trimester. I have no idea how that happened or where the time has gone. I know that it's different this time then it was last time. I am more worn out, more sore, bigger sooner, and just generally feeling this pregnancy more. The baby currently growing inside me is much more active then Bean ever was and is lower then she was. I have been kicked in places I never was before and literally have felt like this baby was trying to relocate my uterus to my chest on several occasions. I am thankful everyday for the fact that I'm pregnant and there is a little part of me that is fearful everyday too. The fact that I hurt more or feel like I'm pushing my body more then I was with Bean worries me. How do I know when I've gone to far? Will I know it when I'm physically in trouble or before? I don't know. I feel like it's impossible for me to do less then what I'm doing. So I just do my best and hope it's enough, but I still worry.
I'm also spending an awful lot of my computer time away from this blog. Not by choice, but because there are just so many things I feel like I need to figure out and get done and not nearly enough time to do them. Right now my online time is divided between christmas shopping, researching VBAC's, and my new obsession which is making my own cleaning products, laundry detergent, dish soap, etc and finding nontoxic products like shampoo, soap, etc.
The christmas shopping feels like it needs to be done yesterday as I'm going to have a million and one things to do once the holiday gets closer, and few of them will have anything to do with Christmas. I want to get as much done as early as I can because I want to make sure that this Christmas is special for Bean. It is my favorite holiday in so many ways. I love the feeling of giving a gift to someone that you feel like they will love and shows them how much you love them. I love the magic that surrounds that day. For me that magic lasted well into childhood and beyond. My grandfather had a lot to do with that and while he's been gone for ten years now, I miss him all the time and keeping his spirit of Christmas alive makes me feel like I'm keeping him alive too. I want to pass on that magic and joy to Bean and make sure that she feels Christmas in the way that it was intended and not the crazy beast it has become. I don't want it to get lost this year because our lives are so crazy. I don't want her to get lost.
As for the VBAC research, I'm so on the fence. My gut wants to try for a VBAC because I feel like there are so many good reasons for it, but the fearful side of me thinks I should just do the repeat c-section and not risk it. Even though I know that there is just as much risk there, just in different ways. I can't quite figure it out, or find many people to share their experiences with me or ask questions of. If anyone has an opinion or story in this regard, I would LOVE to hear it. I so want to feel like I'm making the right, informed choice.
And finally, my new obsession. I read an article awhile back about how some hygiene products have formaldehyde in them. Seriously!!!! I never really thought about all of that before, which is foolish. I have been buying more thoughtful products for Bean ever since she was born and am fully on board with eating organically as much as possible. I realized how silly it is for me to just worry about Bean though and not the rest of us. I want to be here for a long time for my girl. So I started researching all the stuff in the products we use everyday, and it's pretty scary. I have spent a lot of time figuring out alternatives and trying to find the best options for us. I'm getting there, but it's time consuming. In the end, I think it will end up saving us money too if I can make some of my own things. I just can't afford to buy all the wonderful nontoxic products that they make out there, so we'll see how I do making it myself. The supplies arrived today for my first batch of laundry detergent. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mentally, I'm feeling a bit frazzled. The whole, so much to do, so little time to do it problem. But in the midst of our week without power, as I was worrying about all the time we were losing to get things done (although I am thankful for the kick in the butt to get our basement cleaned up in case it took on water), I realized how foolish it all was. The list that I have of things that "have" to get done before the baby comes doesn't matter. Would it be nice for them to get done? Of course. But at the end of the day, there are two important things that need to happen when this baby comes. It needs to be healthy, and so do I. If both of those things happen, the rest will all fall into place. So the list matters less these days and I'm trying to give myself a bit of a break. I'm trying to soak in all the wonderful things that Bean does everyday and make sure I spend time to actually sit down with her and enjoy it. Pretty soon my attention will really be divided and I want to make sure I remember every moment of Bean before and after baby. I want to make sure she knows how much she is loved, how precious she is, and what a gift I get everyday that I get to spend with her.
All that to say, I'm here I guess. Doing my thing everyday, and trying to figure out what the next day will bring. I'm certainly not doing it all perfectly, or gracefully, but I'm doing the best I can in each moment and trying to forgive myself the rest.