A long overdue update

It still feels kind of wrong, talking about things that are going right for me, when I know how things have gone so horribly wrong for others.  But I appreciate all of you and know that you've been keeping me in your thoughts so I can't keep you hanging any longer.

I went to the doctor on Monday for my latest ultrasound and they were able to see a heartbeat which was wonderful news.  I was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days which was just about right on (maybe a day behind) and they said everything looked wonderful.  My nurse called later with my blood work results and said that all looked great too.  She asked if I had my first appointment with the OB setup (which I didn't) because my last appointment with them would be this coming Monday (which I didn't even realize).  She also gave me my due date.  I felt, overwhelmed.  The RE is this little bubble of safety to some degree.  Now, I know things can, and have, gone wrong while still in her care, but the weekly ultrasounds, the nurse that I can email with, all of the ways that they put my mind at ease will soon be going away.  It's always the hope to graduate from the RE and yet it's somehow terrifying.  Jumping into the outside world where you're just some pregnant woman, where your doctors appointments are months apart, and your fears are seen as overly neurotic.  My OB's are pretty good, one more then the other two, but I never feel like they really get it and it's hard leaving all that no matter how badly I want to.  It's also scary for me to make that OB appointment because it's the first step in admitting to the outside world that you're pregnant.  You have to tell people, who you barely know, and act normal through it all.  I did call, but it took me a couple days.  I have my first appointment there next Thursday which will at least be reassuring I hope.

I've been a little worried this week.  Up until this point I was worried in a figurative way.  I didn't have any concrete reason to be worried, I just knew it was early and anything could happen.  This week I started feeling off in certain ways.  I was having some intestinal cramps (sorry if that's TMI).  My digestion always goes out of whack when I'm pregnant.  Or at least the three times I have been it has.  The scary thing is that when you have cramping in that part of your body, it isn't always easy to figure out right away.  I remember when I had the miscarriage, I was laying in bed in the middle of the night telling myself what I was feeling was just gas.  It became a chant in my head to keep me from freaking out.  Until I saw the blood.  You don't usually have that with gas.  This time I'm pretty sure it was just digestion issues.  But it threw me off none the less.  Then last night these little jabby pains have started on my right side.  While the hyperstimulation is getting better, I know my right ovary was the one that got the biggest and it has a pretty massive cyst.  So I started checking out my good friend Dr. Goo.gle and thoroughly freaked myself out.  I'm trying not to worry too much.  It got better after a good nights sleep last night and I'm pretty sure I've just overdone it since hubby was out of town for a few days.  If it gets worse I'll call the doctor but since I'm going in Monday, I'm hoping to hold out until then.

Otherwise things are going okay I think.  I'm nauseous all the time and food is becoming more challenging.  I'm figuring out ways to deal with it though and it's somehow reassuring to have some way to feel this pregnancy.  The only other anything that I have to report is that we finally told my mother-in-law about it all.  We'd been holding out because she hasn't been the most, tactful, person to deal with relating to the infertility.  I just couldn't handle the idea of having to sit down and go through it all with her.  We actually hadn't even told her we were trying again.  Mostly because she asked hubby some time ago if we had been back to the doctor, to which he said, yes, but we don't want to talk about it.  Then she said something about how that was okay, all that mattered was that we were trying (!!!!!) which made me so angry in so many ways that I didn't want to tell her anything.  I was honestly not looking forward to telling her our good news (how sad is that) so I asked hubby to do it the other night while she was here and I was putting Bean to bed.  He didn't get around to it though so we told her together and of course, it was ridiculous.  She asked how many babies and hubby told her one, to which she sighed and said "Oh. I was hoping for twins."  I could write a whole post about how this made me feel.  So angry and frustrated and just bewildered at how she's been around for our whole journey and yet still understands none of it.  But I'm already getting long winded here so I'll leave that to your imagination.  I'm sure you can figure it out :)

All that to say things are good as far as I know.  We'll get to see the little one for the last time for awhile on Monday and hopefully have my concerns about this little jabby pain put to rest.  Then it's graduation and off to OB land.  Hopefully for a long time and ending with a beautiful baby in our arms sometime around January 31st.  That's what I'm hoping for, another baby to hold.  And I'm hoping for that for all of you too who are dreaming of the same.