Thoughts and numbers

I'll give you the numbers first.  My beta on Thursday was 188.  Today it was 394.  So I feel good.  My doctor is happy and I go back next Saturday for blood work and an ultrasound.  That feels like a LONG time from now.  As far as how I feel physically, I'm exhausted.  I've been exhausted but now at least I know there's a good reason for it besides cutting out caffeine.  My stomach has started to feel a little yuck which surprises me because that didn't set in until later when I was pregnant with Bean.  I'm definitely have some emotional issues that I feel like are out of my control.  I'm feeling kind of pregnant, which is a relief.

All of this is so surreal though.  I honestly didn't expect our first cycle to work.  I mean, I know we went through a lot of trial and error and figured out what worked when I had Bean.  But just because that worked then, doesn't mean it was going to work now.  I should be really excited and thrilled that this has happened so fast, but instead I'm pretty freaked out.  It feels too easy.  I keep waiting for the bad news because it feels like too much good.  When I told hubby that it was too easy he gave me a crazy look and said that while it might seem easy compared to last time, it hasn't been in the grand scheme of things.  Between feeling forced to wean Bean, having surgery, and having to keep pushing everything back for reason after reason, he's right to some degree.  It hasn't been easy, just easier.  I mean, we started this whole journey last August.  It feels like it happened fast but in reality it's been in the works for awhile.  It's been in my head, on my heart, and part of our world for even longer then that.

I still feel infertile and I still feel scared because part of being a member of this community is that you hear everyone's stories.  The good and the bad.  I know what can happen and what does happen all the time.  I know that a positive pregnancy test isn't the end of the line.  I lived that once and so many others have lived it more then that.  I know the heartbreak that can come at any moment.  But I'm trying to live with the feeling I did when I was pregnant with Bean.  My philosophy then was to think every morning "today I'm pregnant" and focus on enjoying and getting through that day and not thinking about what could happen.  So today I'm pregnant.  And I am excited.  I'm SO excited.  But I'm scared and I know it's so early.  I'm cautiously optimistic and hoping that in the next few weeks all of this worry will melt away to some degree.

I know this is going to be the hardest week.  We never made it to our first ultrasound when I got pregnant on my first cycle when we were trying to have Bean.  I don't remember if they did them later then, but I know we never made it.  I know we're not going to be able to see much at the ultrasound, but just knowing that what's supposed to be there is there, will be a relief.  So I'm looking forward to it.  To knowing more.  Hopefully this week will go by quickly and will be uneventful.  Thank you all for your continued support and well wishes!