Working toward Saturday

First of all, I have to thank you all for the well wishes and words of support.  It means so much to me and I've been struggling to make it through this week, so it's been so great to be able to see all the people who are pulling for us.  Thank you!!!!

There's so much to say, I'll try to be coherent, but I can't make any promises.  This week has been hard.  The two week wait wasn't that hard for me this time.  I got anxious right at the very end but I felt okay getting through it.  This week hasn't been that way.  Part of it is that I haven't felt so great.  I've been feeling the effects of Ovarian-Hyperstimulation and it's been a little rough.  On top of the physical difficulties I've been having because of this, the emotional toll took me by surprise.

When we were trying to get pregnant with Bean, we told the people who were close to us everything.  Then when a cycle didn't work, I had to let all of those people know it didn't work.  It got harder and harder to do and it felt crushing over and over again.  So this time around we haven't told that many people.  It's been so nice and even more wonderful to know that we had this amazing little secret that we could share when we wanted.  Then at the beginning of the week I started looking pregnant because my belly is so bloated.  I swear I have no clothes that disguise the belly.  I started to freak out because not only does this mean we're going to have to tell people we know, but we also have to tell people we don't know as well who all the sudden think I'm pregnant.  And then I have to either lie or tell them and explain our whole situation because the next question after, are you pregnant is when are you due, and I don't even know the answer to that yet.  It feels even more overwhelming then it did last time because then we just had to tell people who were close to us.  Now it feels like I have to face the world.

It's not that I mind talking about infertility, I don't.  I just want to do it on my terms and I'm not ready to tell the world that I'm pregnant a week after I found out myself.  That's not me and I'm not ready for it to be me.  On top of that, the hyperstimulation has made me worry about other things.  I feel like most people who hyperstimulate do IVF.  I didn't though, we did IUI's which makes me wonder what's going on in there.  I worry that if I'm hyperstimulated then that means there were too many follicles and if there were too many follicles, then I worry about how many babies there are.  Then in the next moment I can swing the other direction and worry that when we go in on Saturday there won't be any babies.  I'm seriously making myself nuts and have felt on the verge of a panic attack several times.

Last night I found myself laying in bed crying to hubby about how scared I am about all of it.  How I'm worried about what we'll do if we're pregnant with multiples(and by multiples I mean more then twins).  When we were trying the first time we always said we wouldn't do anything.  We would take however many babies came to us.  And I still feel the same way now, but my thoughts are somewhat different.  Now I'm thinking about Bean and how all of it would change her life.  I know the risks to myself with multiples and how I need to be here for her.  There are so many ways that I worry about this and I lay there last night crying to hubby about how Bean is perfect and I'm just so scared I'm going to screw her up.  I'm a mess.

Adding to my anxiety, I got together with another mom I know this week who also has been through infertility.  In the first ten minutes I saw her she asked if I was pregnant.  Which to me is something that you NEVER ask an infertile person.  I might expect that from someone else, but I thought she'd understand.  So I explained the situation to her and she immediately said something about hyper-stimulation and how that means I could be pregnant with multiples.  Which I of course know and am already thinking about and don't need any reinforcement of.

I don't want this to sound in any way that I'm not thankful to be pregnant.  I am SO thankful.  It's still surreal.  It's just so different then last time.  I'm already feeling pregnancy symptoms (which is so reassuring but also makes me wonder again), I have the hyperstimulation, and I'm scared in so many ways.  So thankful and so scared and I just want to know.  I just want to know what's going on in there so that I can get a grip on myself.