A Christmas Update

My heads been all over the place lately.  I'm still deep in thought and feeling about the shooting that happened last week.  I find myself, in quiet moments, going over it in my head.  What it must have been like for the teachers, for the children, for the parents.  I had a dream last night that I was on a plane that was crashing.  It took off, and then almost immediately started hurling itself back toward the earth.  I have a pretty big fear of flying to begin with, but I think it was more just about life and death and fear in general.  In the dream I actually thought to myself that I was going to die.  That this is what it feels like when you know you're going to die.  Then I woke up and didn't sleep much after that.  Every time I get on a plane I feel that worry.  That I'm putting myself at risk.  But to go to school to teach, to learn, and have that moment.  I'm still struggling, wondering how we live in a world where that can happen.  

Needless to say the holiday season has been a bit different then I imagined, but I'm trying to just focus on Bean and making this really special for her.  She is blissfully unaware of the bigger world out there. Her biggest sadness lately has been that the hundred acre wood doesn't actually exist and that she can't live there.  I wish I could keep that as her biggest sadness forever.  For the moment though I can and this is her last big hurrah before she has to share life with a sibling.  So we've been very busy making this a special time of year and reminding her that Christmas means love and showing your love to the people you care about.  I hope she feels that love from us.

I'm in complete disbelief that in less then 6 weeks, we'll have another baby to love.  Physically I'm feeling it.  I'm having a really hard time getting done what needs to get done and I can tell I'm pushing myself too far.  So I've tried to slow down.  I realized that I've been having Brax.ton H.icks contractions for awhile and just didn't realize what they were.  So I've backed off a lot of the things that I used to feel like needed to get done.  Now I mainly just try to focus on getting through the days with Bean and doing the best I can.

We had our last ultrasound on Friday and the baby looks great.  Over 5 pounds, a few days ahead of my due date growth wise, head down facing the way it should.  All looks good.  After talking to all my OB's, hubby, and reading every possible thing I can, I'm going to try for a VBAC unless something changes and makes it look like there's a bigger risk in doing so.  If I don't go into labor on my own, I'll have a c-section.  I feel okay about all of it.  Either way I know there are risks.  I have no idea what the real choice is to minimize risk.  So I'm going with my gut and right now that says VBAC.  That might change as more information comes to light, we'll just have to see.  I just want to be healthy and have a healthy baby.  I wish it weren't so complicated.

So there's a lot going on around here, but I feel really blessed.  A few years ago, I had no idea if we'd have kids at all.  Now we get to spend every day with Bean and soon, we'll get to do it all over again.  For a few days I'm going to try to block out the rest of it.  I'm going to bake cookies, open presents, play with new toys, and just love every minute of it.  I hope you can do the same.  Happy Holidays from this ordinary girl, to you.