Thursday, July 28, 2011

New day, new perspective

I've come to the conclusion that the itchy skin I was talking about in my last post was more nerves and fears then anything else.  I have a tendency when I'm worried about something to find any reason possible to try to avoid it.  And that's what I was doing, I was trying to find a reason to reschedule that doctors appointment.  Because I'm scared of starting over and opening myself up to being hurt again.  I'm scared about emotionally going back to the really bad place that I was a few years ago.  I feel like I'm finally finding my footing again and finding myself, or rediscovering myself I suppose.  The person I was before infertility doesn't exist anymore, but I'm figuring out who I am now and I'm more self confident then I have been in a long, long time.  And I'm scared of losing all that.

But it doesn't matter.  I'm not going to let the fear stop me this time.  I can totally do this.  It's going to be hard, it's going to take awhile to figure out how to fit all of the appointments and shots and all of that into our daily routine without upsetting Bean's life too much.  But I'll do it.  I can do it.  And I'm so willing if it means another baby.  Because the reality of the situation is that I have been incredibly blessed once and I feel so lucky.  I have been living the last 15 months in this happy bubble that I'm afraid infertility is going to pop.  I'm not going to let it though.  Bean is the proof that all of the work and heartache is worth the payoff.  I know we may not be as lucky this time, but I have to try.  And I have the best possible way to stay grounded and focused on life at hand instead of getting caught up in the negativity of it all.  Bean's going to get me through this and I'm going to remind myself every day that I am one lucky mama, no matter what happens this time around.  And hopefully that will keep my head above water.

Thank you all for the support, you have no idea how nice it is to hear from people who really understand.  I have so much respect for this community.  That's why I'm scared of hurting people at the RE's office.  So I'm going to do my best to leave Bean at home and take my infertile self there and not my mama self.  But I know it's not always going to be possible to separate the two and I have faith that the other women in this community will be understanding of that.  I know that the positive person that is posting today will get lost at times and struggle with what's to come.  And so I'm thanking you in advance because so far I've had nothing but support from everyone, no matter where they are in their journey, and I only hope I can give a little bit of it back to all of you.  So here we go.  Time to start again.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Lost my mojo

In the last couple days I've definitely lost my mojo a bit.  I can't totally put into words what I'm feeling right now and I'm not sure that I should until it's totally flushed out.  I appreciate so much the input that everyone gave me on my last post and I'm going to move forward in all directions that were suggested, I think they're great ideas.  All the sudden I guess I'm starting to think more and more about our big return appointment at the RE coming up and it's weighing on me.  Not only for all the reasons that I've said before, but because I'm starting to feel a little like I don't really belong there anymore.  It used to be a place where I felt understood and like the other patients at that office knew my life in a way that nobody else did, even if they had no idea who I was.  Now I'm starting to feel like I have to go in and hide who I am, what I've been doing the last few years, and why I'm there.  I'm not just there for a baby, I'm there for a sibling for Bean.  I'm not just infertile, I'm a mama and those two parts of me are warring right now.  I feel itchy in my skin and like I'm not quite sure where I belong.  And while I wanted hubby to go with me to that appointment very badly, that would mean we'd have to take Bean with us, and I'm not sure I can do that anymore.  I just feel unsettled, unsure, and out of control again.  Welcome back to the land of infertility I guess.  I thought I never left but I guess I was a little farther removed then I'd realized.  Hopefully I can figure out a way to sort all this out before the big day.  I don't have too much hope on that one right now though.  We'll see.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Your Advice Please

I have a lot of thoughts rumbling around in my head but all my time today went to Bean, my mother-in-law, and commenting on other people's blogs, so those will have to wait.  I do have a question that I'd like to get out there though because I'd like some advice.

As I mentioned in last months intro for ICLW (which you can read here, I should have linked this up sooner for those of you who are visiting for the first time, sorry!), I started a moms group for people who started their families through infertility treatments or adoption.  It's been going really well and I'm realizing how needed this group is.  People are traveling from an hour or two away to come, which I think shows that we need more groups like this out there!  But it also makes me realize that I bet a lot of local people would love to join if they knew that it existed.

Which brings me to my question.  It seems to me that one of the best places to advertise this group could be at my RE's office, but it also seems like that could be one of the worst places to advertise it.  I'm sure there are other moms who are going to that office to try for their second, third, or more babies, but I also know that there are a lot of women going there who are still waiting on their first miracle.  I do not want to do anything to make their lives more difficult or make their time in that office any more stressful.  What do you all think.  Would advertising a support group for infertile moms at the RE's office be totally thoughtless to the patients there that aren't yet moms?  If so, any other ideas as to how I could get the word out?  I'm already leaning in one direction myself, but I'm curious to hear what all of you have to say.  I respect your opinions so much, thank you in advance!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Feeling Greedy

I keep thinking about that appointment that I made with the RE.  I was really excited the day that I made it and I just don't feel as excited anymore.  I feel a lot of things, but I'm having a hard time putting it all into words.  Mostly I just keep feeling like I'm rocking the boat I guess.  Upsetting the status quo.  When we were trying to have Bean it felt like everything was going wrong.  We were just getting ready to start down the road toward IVF when we found out that our last IUI worked and we were pregnant.  Every time I thought something bad was happening during the pregnancy, it resolved itself.  After we got our BFP, we really were blessed.  We got our happy ending and I have been reveling in every minute of it since.  So I can't help but feel like I'm being a little greedy thinking that we can go back and do this all again with such a good outcome.  I feel like a little kid who got away with having candy for dinner and now I'm going to ask for dessert.  Shouldn't I just be thankful for what I walked away with without going back and trying again?

It's a hard place to be.  I keep going back and forth in my mind.  Bean is our miracle.  She will always be our miracle no matter what.  If we're lucky enough to have another baby, they'll be our miracle too.  My desire to have more babies has nothing to do with Bean in a certain way and in other ways it has everything to do with Bean.

It's always been my dream to be a mama.  To have a house full of babies.  A boisterous, close knit family which is pretty much the opposite of what I had.  I always imagined my yard full of kids toys, my garage filled with strollers and bikes, and little voices all over the house attached to sticky hands grasping at mine.  I love that dream and a few years ago I went through a really rough time when I thought I had to let go of it.  I still have those days, when I feel like the dream is just that, and reality is much different, and I know that may very well be the case.  Bean may be the only baby, the only bike, the only little voice, and the only set of sticky hands.  And that's okay!  That's not to say that it won't hurt or make me sad if I have to give up that dream, I think any time you do there's some amount of mourning that you go through.  But I know how incredibly lucky I am to have experienced pregnancy, to see what a baby that's a combination of hubby and myself is like, to be a mama at all.  But I'm just not ready to give up on my dream, not yet, for me and for Bean.

Personally, I don't get along very well with my brother.  We are very different people living very different lives and we butt heads all the time.  I've always wanted a better sibling relationship for Bean.  I hope she'll have a sibling that she can have fun with, tell secrets to, depend on, and be a role model for.  I  know she'll be okay as an only child, but I really just want to be sure that she has someone who is there for her once we aren't.  I can't control the friends who come into and out of her life, or the partners, but I can try to create a family for her.  And I also think that Bean would be an amazing big sister.  I know she's still little, but I can see it in her.  She already has a baby doll that she likes to carry around and love. She takes pup pup his toys all the time and helps give him his breakfast and dinner.  I think she would be great and I'd love her to have the chance.

But it makes me feel greedy and like I'm asking for too much to think that any of that could really come true.  I feel like, as crazy as it sounds, somehow I'm risking the good things I have by asking for more.  Like you can't have too much good in your life, so if you try to take too much, then you'll have to have some bad to balance it.  It may sound crazy, but that's what my brain is thinking.  What am I wishing upon us by asking for more babies?  Should I just be content with what I have and be thankful that we had a miracle happen for us once?

These are the moments when I wish that I was normal.  Because somehow I can't imagine that fertile people out there think about anything like this when they're deciding to have more babies.  There may be a lot of thought that goes into it (or not) but I just can't see it being thought like this.  When something is easy for you to get, it doesn't seem greedy to take as much as you want.  But then that moment is followed directly by another where Bean says "Mom-me!" with her little pony tail on the top of her head and her dancing eyes and I am so very thankful that I'm not normal.  Because if I was, I know it would be different.  I would be different.  She would be different.  This is the road that got us here, for better or for worse.  And this is the one that's taking us forward.  And somehow I have to take this baggage along and go forward without making myself crazy in the process.  I'm still working on that part.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I did it!

I just called the RE and scheduled an appointment for August to talk to her about trying for number two.  I've been thinking about it for a long time but just couldn't get myself going to do it.  Then I saw how much Bean could really roll with the punches on this trip we just took and started thinking a lot about how long we wanted to have between babies, if we have any control over it.  So all the sudden I felt ready and I just sat down and did it. And it felt really good.  Scary, but good.

Vacation Revelations

We just got back from our "vacation" a few days ago.  I use the word vacation loosely because I always think of a vacation as something relaxing that you come back from feeling refreshed and ready to go.  I came back feeling exhausted and like I needed about 3 days to sleep it off.  We have a lot of family and friends in different places, so our vacations often turn into trips to visit folks we don't get to see very often.  Often it involves Hubby's family too.  There is good and bad in all of this, and while it is very tempting to use this post to rant about all the frustrating and exhausting things that happened in the last week and a half, instead I'm going to focus on some things I learned on this vacation.  It may not have helped me recharge my batteries, but it did give me new perspective on my life, and that's worth an awful lot.  So here's what I learned.

-I have an amazing husband.  Amazing.  He is so great with Bean, he's so supportive of me, he's funny and silly but knows when to be serious.  He helps me stay calm when I'm starting to lose my cool and he knows when I need a little reminder to just chill out and stop getting so worked up about things.  I realize more and more how lucky I am to have not only a husband, but a partner in life.  He helps with everything and doesn't expect me to take on the role of parent or home caretaker alone.  I am so very thankful for him.

-Bean is more able to go with the flow then I am.  I had a lot of worries about this trip related to Bean because there wasn't a lot of concern about her schedule or about baby proofing so that she'd be in a safer/easier environment.  I almost broke down a couple times with the anticipation of how hard it was going to be for her to play and sleep in our surroundings.  Well, she was just fine.  She didn't touch what she was told not to touch and she slept better on our trip then she has at home in awhile.  She was able to deal with the fact that we stayed in three different places with different people.  The only real problem that she had was that she didn't want to eat a lot of the food that she was offered, but I was prepared for that and had back ups.  She totally made me realize that I have to give her the opportunity to try things more often because she can handle what's thrown at her.

-I have to be less of a control freak.  If my 14 month old can deal with all this change and doesn't bat an eye when her nap is late or dinner is early or our normal schedule is completely thrown out the window, then I need to be better about dealing with it too.  On the outside, you'd probably never know that I'm having any kind of a problem, because I try to make sure that my craziness doesn't effect the other people we're spending time with, on the inside though I'm definitely having trouble giving up my control freak tendencies and am usually a big ball of stress.  I relax more as time goes by, but I admit that I do have a hard time, and I need to work on that.

-I love my house.  I was so happy to come home.  It's so cozy and comfy and it's safe for Bean.  I love her nursery.  I love rocking her to sleep in her big, comfy glider and snuggling her into her crib.  I love watching her run around and dance to her favorite music and I love that she can play in our fenced yard without having to worry about cars or neighbors or anything else.  I love how comfortable she is here and how she feels like she can be herself.  I love the moments when she starts babbling at the tree out her window or when she runs away without a diaper on and her little naked tush disappears around the corner.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful home and yes, I wish I had more time to keep it more orderly, but it's ours and I love it and I am SO happy to be back here.

-Finally, as much as I complain about the fact that I wish all of my friends lived in the same place and weren't spread out across the country, I am so thankful for the fact that I have these friends.  It's nice to know that when you're in a new place, you have familiar faces to see there, and while I do wish that I got to see them much more often, we make the most of our time together and I'm just really thankful to have such wonderful people in my life.  People who you can be stressed and crazy around but they still remember who you really are without all the nuttiness.  People who have seen the hardest times in your life and now can really celebrate the victories with you.  People who understand you and who you don't have to explain yourself to.  People who it's just easy to be with and who you love more each time you see them, even when you don't think it's possible to love them any more.

It wasn't a relaxing vacation for sure, but it did make me think a lot about how very lucky I am.  It also helped me learn a lot about traveling with a little one and that will hopefully make our future trips a lot easier.  In the end, it was worth it both for what I learned on this trip and because our little family got to spend every single day together for over a week.  And any time that happens, it's a good thing, no matter the circumstances.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

An Old Friend

Today I got to spend the morning with an old friend.  We see each other about once a year and talk on the phone whenever we have the chance (and since I have Bean and she has three little guys, that isn't nearly as often as we would like).  We live pretty far away from each other, so these face to face visits are pretty special and really looked forward to.

She's a friend of mine from before married life.  We went to school together and were "in the trenches" of inner city teaching together.  She kept me sane, made me laugh, and listened to me cry.  We were even kind of in the infertility trenches together.  When I was trying to get pregnant with Bean, she was trying to get pregnant with her second.  She never went to see a doctor or had interventions, but it took her a year to get pregnant, and we would talk about the heartache and frustration.

Not long after I had my miscarriage, she called to say that she was pregnant again.  I have to say that it was the only time during those years that I was able to be happy for someone without being sad for myself.  When I did finally get pregnant, we happened to be visiting near where she lived and I got to spend the day with her.  Her birthday had just passed and I had been so crazy with all of the newly pregnant details, that I hadn't had a chance to get her a gift.  Just before we left home though, actually on her birthday, we had our first or second ultrasound at about 6 weeks and I had a picture from it.  I told her that I was sorry that I didn't have a present for her, but I could show her a present that I got on her birthday.  When she took the picture out of the envelope and realized what it was, she was beyond excited.  The threw the picture up in the air and yelled, scaring both of her kids, and then worrying that she had hurt my precious picture.  It was the best reaction I got telling people that I was pregnant because she didn't know the ins and outs of our doctors visits like most people did, so I could surprise her, and she really got it.

She's my only fertile friend who I really feel like understands all parts of me.  When I was trying to have a baby and we'd get to spend time together, I would love on her kids and just imagine what it would be like to add my own to the mix.  So this visit was really special because it was the first time that she met Bean and the first time that our little miracle babies were together.  Hubby and I have joked ever since Bean was born that her little boy that it took her so long to add to her family, was Bean's little boyfriend. The just both seem like special little babies and since they're only a year apart, we just couldn't help it.  Well today when they met it seemed like they knew our plan, because they got along just wonderfully together and took to each other right away.

So today I got the day that I had dreamed of long ago with the two of us chatting while our little ones played.  Talking about nap times, breastfeeding, and play dates instead of basal body temperatures and negative pregnancy tests.  It was a special day, with a one of a kind friend, and our little miracles.

Monday, July 4, 2011


It's been a tough couple days here.  We're visiting with family and it's been a little trying.  I won't go into too many details, because I'm so tired of being negative and I feel like that's what's happened to me these few days.  I've been bogged down in the badness of it all.  Then I finally had five minutes to myself and I started reading other people's blogs and you know what, it totally rejuvenated me.  I was reminded of all the wonderful gifts that I have in my life, of the job that I have been given to set an example for Bean, and that I can do difficult things gracefully instead of just getting through it.  I feel ready to face the rest of this visit with a new source of energy and I have all of you brilliant bloggers to thank for it.  Thank you for being such a wonderful community and for continuing to push and inspire me everyday.  You're all amazing!