Wednesday, August 31, 2011


I've been a perfectionist as long as I can remember.  To be honest with you, I never stopped to think about why I feel like I have to do everything perfectly, I've just always acknowledged that it's a part of who I am, and I have to work with it.  Recently though I realized that it might help me to loosen up on the perfection front, if I actually had an understanding of why I am the way I am.  So I thought about it for awhile and it didn't take me long to figure it all out.

When I was a kid I was overweight.  I'm not quite sure how it happened, because at that point in time, neither of my parents were overweight and my mom was actually a new diabetic, so our meals were pretty carefully made.  Yet my brother and I both ended up weighing too much.  It wasn't until I was half way through high school that I realized I had some control over all of it and lost the weight.  It's been a daily struggle for the rest of my life, but I'm really proud of the fact that I've never gained more then 10 to 15 pounds back (unless you count when I was pregnant, which trust me, was pretty scary for me).  That experience changed me even more then infertility I would say, and there's nothing else in my life that even comes close to that.

It's really hard being a kid whose overweight.  Kids are cruel.  Even though the fact that I was overweight was no fault of my own (I mean I was a kid, I ate what I was given to eat), that didn't matter to other kids.  I was teased a lot and I realize now that's why I am such a perfectionist.  The best way to avoid getting teased, is to not give anyone ammunition.  I couldn't change my weight (at that point, or not that I realized anyway), but I could make sure that nothing else about me was a target.  And I've been doing that ever since.  I don't like to do anything in public until I've perfected it in private.  I don't want to be bad at anything.  Well, that's not totally true, I don't mind being bad, I just don't want other people to know that I'm bad at anything.  I don't want people to think badly of me or dislike me.  And I'm still that way.

I've started to realize though that this is something I really need to get over, or at least minimize.  Now I have a little girl who watches everything that I do, and if I don't want to make any mistakes, how can I tell her that it's okay for her to try something and not be perfect at it?  I can't.  So I'm going to work on it. I'm not that chubby little girl anymore and I, hopefully, don't have a whole bunch of people just waiting for me to mess up.  I'm not quite sure how to fix it all, but my plan is to just jump into things more and see what happens.  I'm going to start with a gift for hubby's birthday I think.

One thing I've never been good at is riding a bike.  I know how, but I stopped when I was a kid.  The whole chubby kid thing didn't work out too well with bike riding.  It's something that hubby really likes though and has wanted to do together ever since we got together, and it's something that we can do with Bean someday.  I've avoided it because I'm so out of practice that I feel like I'm not going to be very good at it, and you can't exactly practice riding a bike in your house.  You have to do it out in the world.  So I feel like it's the perfect thing to thrust my perfectionist self out into broad daylight.  Beyond that, I'm not sure where to go from here.  But I'm willing to try for Bean.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Well, we survived the hurricane.  Honestly, we didn't have it so bad although life was somewhat interrupted.  We lost power for about 15 hours or so and had some water in the basement.  Really not bad compared to what other people are dealing with.  I don't even think Bean noticed that anything was amiss.  In the midst of all of it, I managed to be a complete spaz and slice my finger open while doing dishes though.  Not my finest moment, but it's not as bad as it first looked and is healing well on it's own, so no trips to the ER had to happen in the storm.  Bean is pretty fascinated with my finger though.  Here's the conversation that we have about fifty times a day:

Bean: Owie?

Me: Yup, Mama has an owie, but I'm going to be okay.

Bean: See?

Me: We can't see right now, Mama's wearing a bandaid to keep her owie clean.

Bean: Clean?

Me: Yup, I have to keep it clean so it can get better.

Bean: *Pauses* Owie?

And so it begins again.  So a hurricane (or tropical storm, whatever it was when it got here) doesn't phase her in the least, but a bandaid on my finger has her undivided attention.  I have to say that I love her ever growing vocabulary, even when we end up going around in circles :)

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Hurricanes and light sleeping babies don't mix

Well, it's not actually a hurricane here, but the wind is certainly whipping around and there's an awful lot of rain coming down out there.  Hubby just went to take pup pup outside one more time tonight, and I must say it makes me a little nervous.  I have a feeling it's going to be a long night.  Bean already woke up once from all the commotion, and since it's only supposed to get worse, I doubt that will be the last time.  So I'm off to bed with the hope that I'll get a little sleep and that we'll still have power when I wake up in the morning.  I hope you're all safe and sound tonight!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The next step

Just to warn anyone visiting from ICLW, I'm going to talk about my daughter a bit in this post so I understand if you don't want to stick around this time.

The next step towards getting back on the TTC road is weaning Bean. I have to admit that I have no idea how to begin and every time I get the guts to start, something happens. We were traveling a lot this summer, which seems like a horrible time to start, and now Bean is sick. She had a high fever last week and I took her to the doctor only to find out that she has strep throat. I felt so badly since I had no idea that her little throat was hurting her so and she couldn't tell me. She's starting to feel better but the antibiotic that she's on is doing it's job a little too well and her poor tummy isn't so happy. The only thing that has gotten us through the last week with any sleep at all is the fact that I'm still nursing. So I'm once again waiting until life gets back to some kind of normal before I take this on.

I have to say though that coupled with my worries about weaning, are my worries about sleep. Bean has had trouble sleeping ever since she was 4 months old. We have made incredible progress, but every time I feel like we're really on solid ground, we take a few steps back. This summer has really thrown us out of whack with all the traveling and mixed up schedules. I'm hopeful that when the fall comes, we'll have less distraction and she can get into a good rhythm again, but what if she doesn't? I worry that even when she's weaned, I won't really be ready to go through all the infertility stuff again or, if we're so lucky, be pregnant, because I'll still be exhausted. I don't know if I can do all this exhausted, so either we'll have to wait longer, or something will have to change.

So for now, we wait and see what happens. We wait for Bean to get well and things to settle down. We wait and hope that weaning is much easier then I'm anticipating and that hopefully her sleep will get back on track as we get back into our post-summer routine. But it's in the back of my mind a lot. I'm anxious about it. Infertility has this clock ticking in my head, making me worry about what kind of journey we have ahead of us and what I need to do to prepare for it, and how long it's all going to take, if it works at all. I don't want to rush Bean, I want us all to be ready for the next step in growing our family, whatever that may be.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A little about me

For all of you visiting from ICLW for the first time, or from anywhere else, here's a little bit about me. I'm a 31 year old mama who went through 3 years of infertility to finally have my baby. Now she's a 15 month old, walking, talking, thoroughly amazing little girl and I stay at home with her thinking every day how blessed I am to have this be my life. It may seem like a pretty ordinary life to anyone on the outside looking in, but to me it's pretty spectacular.

As far as infertility goes, I'm currently working out how it has changed me as a person and especially as a mama, but am also preparing myself to go back into the trenches to try for another baby. I'm about to start weaning Bean (which I keep saying and different things keep getting in the way, this time it's strep throat, ugh) and once I'm done then we're going to start trying again. I've already had an appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka, infertility doctor) to talk to her about where we'd start this time and both hubby and I have had the necessary preliminary testing. We're still waiting to get the results of hubby's tests but as long as it all looks the same as it did 4 years ago, then we'll be back to doing medicated inseminations to try to have another miracle.

As far as the rest of life goes, it's busy. Super busy. I have a lot on my mind and have gotten bogged down a bit lately, but I'm bouncing back and ready to hopefully give you all some new things to read and find some wonderful new folks in the blogosphere to follow. So welcome, I'm so glad you're here, and I'd love to hear something about you!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Fighting Fear

I've had issues with fear my whole life.  I'm not sure when or why it started but I always worry, about everything.  When I was little I was convinced our house as going to burn down, or someone was going to break in and try to do bad things to us, or, well, you get the idea.  I slept with the light on, the door open, and the hall light on.  If something bad was going to happen, I wanted to see it coming.  I actually told my mom once that I was more scared when my brother wasn't at home because his bedroom was in the hall before mine and I always figured if something bad happened, I'd hear him and have time to react.  What kind of a crazy kid thinks that stuff?  A scared one.

As I've gotten older the fears have changed to some degree, but some of the old ones are still there.  I still check the stove every time before I leave the house and have more fire safety equipment then I could ever use (I hope!).  I always make sure every door is locked and I don't really like to be home alone at night.  Honestly though, I've figured out a way to deal with those fears for the most part.  They've been there for so long, that there just a part of who I am in a way.  I'm always going to be a worrier, I'm always going to be a cautious person.  It's just me.  I can make that work and still have a happy life.

The worry that seems to cripple me sometimes though, especially since hubby and Bean came into my life, is that something is either going to happen to them or to me, and we're not going to have as much time together as we should.  I always worry that somehow, just when things get good, it's all going to go away.  Hubby and I dated for many years before we got married due to a promise he made to his family. Sometimes I felt like we were never going to get to that wedding day.  And a few months before it arrived he had to go on a trip for his work.  I was convinced that something bad was going to happen to him.  That this thing I had waited so long for and was finally in my reach, would be taken away at the last minute.  I felt the same way when we were waiting for Bean to arrive.  It just all felt too good to be true.

Obviously, bad things didn't happen.  I got married, Bean came into this world as perfect as can be.  But I'm still afraid.  Afraid that something is going to happen to me and that I'm not going to be able to watch this beautiful baby grow up into a girl and then a woman.  Afraid of what her world would be like without me or hubby.  Afraid that something will happen to her and I'll have to figure out how to live life without her.  This fear lead me to take the decision about who would be Bean's guardian very seriously.  It makes me think about things like life insurance and if we would have enough money to have the right person take care of Bean if I wasn't around and so that her life would change as little as possible.  It makes me think about what I would do if something happened to hubby and I was on my own.  And I know that all these thoughts and fears are normal, and most days that's all they are, normal fears.  But on other days I get caught up in them.  And on those days I just sit back and watch Bean and hope that I get to get to be an old lady and hubby gets to be an old man.  I hope that Bean grows up and has the life she'll come to dream of.  Those days I don't need anything big or major to happen to me in this life, I just need to be here for as long as possible.  And I've had a couple extra of those days lately after reading about people who have lost husbands or are losing children.  I ache for them and I worry for myself.

In so many ways all of that feels outside of my control, just like the big things in life that I used to be scared of and worry about.  But I found ways to try to control those things.  I make my house as safe as possible.  The smoke detectors are checked regularly, the doors are always locked, and I'm cautious.  But for some reason I haven't been as careful with myself.  I need to eat better more consistently.  I eat perfectly at dinnertime but breakfast and lunch are usually my last priority.  I worry more about what's going in Bean's mouth then I do my own.  And I don't exercise enough.  Sure, running around after her is pretty good exercise, but I need more of it.  I can be a much healthier person then I am and that is something real that I can do to make sure that I am on this earth as long as possible.  I can't control everything, I can't change how other people drive, or the bad decisions that they make.  But I can control this and I'd much rather have something to channel my energy into then sit here and think and worry about what could happen.

And I'd also like to try to support those people who are going through some of the things that I fear the most.  I'm not entirely sure what I can do, but I can start here.  I'm going to make sure these people know that I'm thinking about them, that my heart is breaking for them, and that they have touched my life.  I'm also going to ask that if anyone feels compelled to comment on my post today that instead they go and comment on these blogs instead, or another who is going through difficult times.  Because as much as I love to hear from all of you and cherish the things that you say, they need to hear from all of us more then I do today.

Stella Joy
The Daily Miracle

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Stuck in the moment

A few weeks ago there were several really heartbreaking stories in LFCA.  Well, that's not totally true.  I feel like every week there are heartbreaking stories in LFCA, but those are usually infertility related and those I'm somewhat prepared for.  These were stories of people who have had the rug pulled out from under their lives.  People who have lost family members in an instant.  And those stories I can't shake because it feels like it could so easily be us.  Our little family.  And that weighs on me heavily.  I know that eventually I'll stop thinking about it as much and in the same way, but right now I just keep running the words on those blogs through my mind and remind myself how precious each moment in life is.  So bear with me because I've written post after post and somehow it just doesn't seem like they fit right now.  It seems like other people have so much more to say and are in need of a thoughtful ear more then I am.  My thoughts are with them, and all of you, hoping that your lives are quite ordinary tonight.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Today was the day

My appointment with the RE was today and I'm happy to say that it went pretty well.  I ended up going by myself.  Hubby and I decided for several reasons not to take Bean with us.  We were aware of other patients feelings but we also just realized that if Bean was with us, neither of us would be able to focus 100%.  Plus the appointment fell right at Bean's nap time which would make it rough too.  So I got Bean down for her nap and hubby came home from work to stay with her while I went to the doctor.

One of the biggest reasons that I think this appointment went so well was actually because my doctor moved to a new office.  It may sound silly, but I make really strong place associations and I remember exactly how I felt in every single nook and cranny of that office that they were in two years ago.  The idea of walking back through that door was, overwhelming.  So walking into a brand new space that I've never seen before was pretty nice.  It felt like a fresh start.

Some of the staff in the office is still the same and I remember them from last time.  I'm really hoping that my favorite nurse is still there for the morning monitoring.  I saw Bean's picture in the photo album of their success stories that's in the waiting room.  I remember flipping through that when I was a patient last time around and not being able to imagine what it would be like to have a picture of my baby in there.  It was pretty special seeing Bean's little face staring back at me.  It brought me a certain sense of peace while I was sitting there instead of the anxiety that I had imagined.

The last time I was going through this, my RE's office was transitioning and changing a lot and it showed.  Things did not run very smoothly and it was frustrating.  I made peace with it because obviously, even amongst the disorganization, we got our miracle.  But this time around it was really nice to feel like they have their act together more.  I feel like I'm in better hands this time.  I know it's her job, but the doctor seemed pretty confident that the IUI's with injectables would work for us again this time and that hopefully it won't take long for us to get pregnant.  I'm skeptical of course, it's my nature, but I'm hopeful too.  I hope she's right.  I have to.

The only real bad part of the appointment was when I thought I had made it through and all the sudden she said "oh wait, you can't go yet, I need to do an ultrasound!"  Yikes!  Seriously?  I wasn't prepared for that.  I thought we were just talking today and I hadn't mental, or physical, prepared myself for that.  I have a toddler, if shaving my legs needs to get done, I need time to schedule that!  In a way though it was probably better.  Knowing that was coming would have brought me a lot of anxiety and I just didn't have time to think about it.  It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and now the first time is over.

So the next hurdle is weaning Bean.  Once we've accomplished that, however long it takes, I give them a call and we start everything up on my next cycle.  If I have a cycle that is.  My body isn't exactly good about doing that on it's own, so we'll see what happens.  If it takes more then a month though then they'll kick start things.  In the meantime I have to go in for some blood work, hubby has to go in to get checked out and make his "contribution" and we see how things are looking these days.  Hopefully all those tests come back as expected and we're ready to go in a couple months.  Right now I'm feeling really good about all of it.  So I'm going to focus on that right now and enjoy the time I have left nursing Bean.  And whatever happens next, well, I'll worry about that when it comes.