8 weeks

Well, we were 8 weeks on Wednesday.  That's always the first benchmark I try to get to and the one where I say that I'll relax a little.  Which I don't think I have yet, but hopefully I'll get there.  Monday we went to the RE for the last time.  That was weird.  Not as weird as last time.  Last time we'd been going for a year and a half and had been through 6 cycles.  This time it didn't feel quite the same.  I spent hours in that waiting room last time.  Sometimes all on the same day, they weren't as timely then as they are now.  I remember sitting in that waiting room knowing I was miscarrying.  I can't tell you how many times I cried in that office.  A lot.  Here?  Not at all.  So it feels different, but still surreal.  We got to see our little one again and everything looked fantastic.  Strong heartbeat, growing right on schedule.  All good.

On Thursday I had my first appointment with the OB.  That was also surreal.  I sat there reading all this paperwork, talking to the nurse about whether we might want to do a VBAC or a repeat c-section and reviewing the procedures the hospital has for delivery and I couldn't wrap my brain around it.  I haven't thought about delivery.  I haven't let myself.  There are moments where my brain, of it's own accord, will say something to me about "when the baby comes" and I will go into lock down and yell at it to be quiet.  Seriously, do I sound like a crazy person or what???  I'm just so scared to think that far ahead.  To plan.  I talked to the nurse at the OB's office about this and she was very understanding.  But she was also reassuring.  She said everything at my ultrasound on Monday looked fantastic.  That there were not indications that anything was wrong.  Which I appreciate, although I still take it with a grain of salt.  I know all too well that things can be wrong without any appearance of it.

Now we're into the land of the normal pregnant people, even though I feel anything but normal.  I don't go back to the OB until the second week of July which feels forever away.  I'm still struggling to fit into my clothes normally.  I think I have little hope of going back to not looking pregnant at all.  I just have to decide when to embrace it.  Normally we don't feel comfortable telling the world until after we've hit the second trimester.  So do I try to just keep looking chubby and wear the few things that I have that don't make me look so obviously pregnant?  Or do I give in and go check out the maternity stash I have from Bean?  I'm still on the fence.  At home I wear whatever I want, it's when I have to go out that I worry about it too much.

So it may not sound like it from my tone, but everything is going wonderfully.  I'm still nauseous and exhausted but happy to be feeling pregnant all the time.  It just keeps feeling like this is all way too easy this time around.  I just can't let myself believe that we're here, and this is it.  I hope that gets easier.  I thought it would be easier this time around since I at least know that my body can be successfully pregnant. I don't know why there's this part of me that feels like I can't stop worrying because I didn't "earn" this more.  How crazy is that?  I'm working on trying to get there and I'm still focusing on trying to enjoy every day for what it is.  Today I'm pregnant, and ever so thankful for that.