Friday, June 29, 2012

One of those weeks

It's been one of those weeks where it seems like I'm taking care of scrapes and bruises more then anything else.  Bean finally seems to have gotten rid of the black eye that she gave herself while playing in the laundry basket (she fell over in the empty basket, it flipped up and hit her in the face).  Then on Wednesday morning I heard that horrible sound of a little person tumbling down the stairs.  The way our house is setup, we only have about 5 or 6 stairs in a set, so she didn't fall that far, but it still made my heart stop.  She came out of it pretty well, except that she scraped all the skin off the top and end of her nose on the carpet at the bottom of the stairs.  She looks pretty sad.  Then this morning I picked her up at the door to say goodbye to hubby and she tells me that I bumped her arm and hurt it.  I didn't realize I did anything so I apologized and went on with life.  Until I realized that she was literally not using the arm.  I took another look and she showed clear signs of pain when I bent her arm.  So I watched a little longer to see if it would go away but after a half hour of this sad, one armed play time, I gave in to worry and called the doctors office.  I'm much more likely to worry about these things then hubby, so sometimes I worry that I'm overreacting, but I'm glad I called this time.  They got me in pretty much right away and as soon as we got there they knew immediately that she had a pulled elbow.  I had never heard of this, but the doctor was able to pop it back the way it should be in about two seconds and showed me how to do it too in case it ever happened again.  Bean started feeling better immediately and I was relieved.  Honestly though, it was about all this mama could take with everything else that I've had on my mind lately so I did what any good mother would do.  I took us both out for ice cream at 11 in the morning.  And I'm happy to report that we're both feeling much better : )

Saturday, June 23, 2012

8 weeks

Well, we were 8 weeks on Wednesday.  That's always the first benchmark I try to get to and the one where I say that I'll relax a little.  Which I don't think I have yet, but hopefully I'll get there.  Monday we went to the RE for the last time.  That was weird.  Not as weird as last time.  Last time we'd been going for a year and a half and had been through 6 cycles.  This time it didn't feel quite the same.  I spent hours in that waiting room last time.  Sometimes all on the same day, they weren't as timely then as they are now.  I remember sitting in that waiting room knowing I was miscarrying.  I can't tell you how many times I cried in that office.  A lot.  Here?  Not at all.  So it feels different, but still surreal.  We got to see our little one again and everything looked fantastic.  Strong heartbeat, growing right on schedule.  All good.

On Thursday I had my first appointment with the OB.  That was also surreal.  I sat there reading all this paperwork, talking to the nurse about whether we might want to do a VBAC or a repeat c-section and reviewing the procedures the hospital has for delivery and I couldn't wrap my brain around it.  I haven't thought about delivery.  I haven't let myself.  There are moments where my brain, of it's own accord, will say something to me about "when the baby comes" and I will go into lock down and yell at it to be quiet.  Seriously, do I sound like a crazy person or what???  I'm just so scared to think that far ahead.  To plan.  I talked to the nurse at the OB's office about this and she was very understanding.  But she was also reassuring.  She said everything at my ultrasound on Monday looked fantastic.  That there were not indications that anything was wrong.  Which I appreciate, although I still take it with a grain of salt.  I know all too well that things can be wrong without any appearance of it.

Now we're into the land of the normal pregnant people, even though I feel anything but normal.  I don't go back to the OB until the second week of July which feels forever away.  I'm still struggling to fit into my clothes normally.  I think I have little hope of going back to not looking pregnant at all.  I just have to decide when to embrace it.  Normally we don't feel comfortable telling the world until after we've hit the second trimester.  So do I try to just keep looking chubby and wear the few things that I have that don't make me look so obviously pregnant?  Or do I give in and go check out the maternity stash I have from Bean?  I'm still on the fence.  At home I wear whatever I want, it's when I have to go out that I worry about it too much.

So it may not sound like it from my tone, but everything is going wonderfully.  I'm still nauseous and exhausted but happy to be feeling pregnant all the time.  It just keeps feeling like this is all way too easy this time around.  I just can't let myself believe that we're here, and this is it.  I hope that gets easier.  I thought it would be easier this time around since I at least know that my body can be successfully pregnant. I don't know why there's this part of me that feels like I can't stop worrying because I didn't "earn" this more.  How crazy is that?  I'm working on trying to get there and I'm still focusing on trying to enjoy every day for what it is.  Today I'm pregnant, and ever so thankful for that.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

A long overdue update

It still feels kind of wrong, talking about things that are going right for me, when I know how things have gone so horribly wrong for others.  But I appreciate all of you and know that you've been keeping me in your thoughts so I can't keep you hanging any longer.

I went to the doctor on Monday for my latest ultrasound and they were able to see a heartbeat which was wonderful news.  I was measuring at 6 weeks 4 days which was just about right on (maybe a day behind) and they said everything looked wonderful.  My nurse called later with my blood work results and said that all looked great too.  She asked if I had my first appointment with the OB setup (which I didn't) because my last appointment with them would be this coming Monday (which I didn't even realize).  She also gave me my due date.  I felt, overwhelmed.  The RE is this little bubble of safety to some degree.  Now, I know things can, and have, gone wrong while still in her care, but the weekly ultrasounds, the nurse that I can email with, all of the ways that they put my mind at ease will soon be going away.  It's always the hope to graduate from the RE and yet it's somehow terrifying.  Jumping into the outside world where you're just some pregnant woman, where your doctors appointments are months apart, and your fears are seen as overly neurotic.  My OB's are pretty good, one more then the other two, but I never feel like they really get it and it's hard leaving all that no matter how badly I want to.  It's also scary for me to make that OB appointment because it's the first step in admitting to the outside world that you're pregnant.  You have to tell people, who you barely know, and act normal through it all.  I did call, but it took me a couple days.  I have my first appointment there next Thursday which will at least be reassuring I hope.

I've been a little worried this week.  Up until this point I was worried in a figurative way.  I didn't have any concrete reason to be worried, I just knew it was early and anything could happen.  This week I started feeling off in certain ways.  I was having some intestinal cramps (sorry if that's TMI).  My digestion always goes out of whack when I'm pregnant.  Or at least the three times I have been it has.  The scary thing is that when you have cramping in that part of your body, it isn't always easy to figure out right away.  I remember when I had the miscarriage, I was laying in bed in the middle of the night telling myself what I was feeling was just gas.  It became a chant in my head to keep me from freaking out.  Until I saw the blood.  You don't usually have that with gas.  This time I'm pretty sure it was just digestion issues.  But it threw me off none the less.  Then last night these little jabby pains have started on my right side.  While the hyperstimulation is getting better, I know my right ovary was the one that got the biggest and it has a pretty massive cyst.  So I started checking out my good friend Dr. and thoroughly freaked myself out.  I'm trying not to worry too much.  It got better after a good nights sleep last night and I'm pretty sure I've just overdone it since hubby was out of town for a few days.  If it gets worse I'll call the doctor but since I'm going in Monday, I'm hoping to hold out until then.

Otherwise things are going okay I think.  I'm nauseous all the time and food is becoming more challenging.  I'm figuring out ways to deal with it though and it's somehow reassuring to have some way to feel this pregnancy.  The only other anything that I have to report is that we finally told my mother-in-law about it all.  We'd been holding out because she hasn't been the most, tactful, person to deal with relating to the infertility.  I just couldn't handle the idea of having to sit down and go through it all with her.  We actually hadn't even told her we were trying again.  Mostly because she asked hubby some time ago if we had been back to the doctor, to which he said, yes, but we don't want to talk about it.  Then she said something about how that was okay, all that mattered was that we were trying (!!!!!) which made me so angry in so many ways that I didn't want to tell her anything.  I was honestly not looking forward to telling her our good news (how sad is that) so I asked hubby to do it the other night while she was here and I was putting Bean to bed.  He didn't get around to it though so we told her together and of course, it was ridiculous.  She asked how many babies and hubby told her one, to which she sighed and said "Oh. I was hoping for twins."  I could write a whole post about how this made me feel.  So angry and frustrated and just bewildered at how she's been around for our whole journey and yet still understands none of it.  But I'm already getting long winded here so I'll leave that to your imagination.  I'm sure you can figure it out :)

All that to say things are good as far as I know.  We'll get to see the little one for the last time for awhile on Monday and hopefully have my concerns about this little jabby pain put to rest.  Then it's graduation and off to OB land.  Hopefully for a long time and ending with a beautiful baby in our arms sometime around January 31st.  That's what I'm hoping for, another baby to hold.  And I'm hoping for that for all of you too who are dreaming of the same.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

So sad for my blog friends

I've been going back and forth all week trying to figure out what to post about.  Mostly because I'm still scared and I'm afraid if I say out loud the things I'm scared about, somehow it makes them more real.  I was all ready to get something written today though and I learned the heartbreaking news from both Leigh and Leslie.  I don't have the right words to tell them how sad I am for them.  I know they need as much support and love coming their way as they can get though.  I can't imagine how hard this must be.  So please head over and send your thoughts to them today.  I'll be back soon with an update.  It just doesn't feel right to do that today.

Monday, June 4, 2012


This morning I went in for my latest ultrasound because my doctor couldn't confirm that she could see the yolk sac when I went in on Friday.  Almost immediately after she started the ultrasound she said that she saw the yolk sac and I was immediately relieved.  She checked on the hyperstimulation too and while my ovaries are still huge and my abdomen is still filled with fluid, she says she thinks it's actually getting somewhat better and isn't too concerned. 

I am beyond thrilled about all of this.  I have been struggling a bit over the weekend.  I'm just not used to doing this with a toddler around!  I didn't realize how hard parts of it could be.  When I was pregnant with Bean I was pretty much nauseous all day long starting around 7 or 8 weeks.  It's started already this time and it's kicking my butt a bit along with the super tiredness.  I also seem to have gotten some kind of stomach bug which made me really nervous.  Hopefully I'm on the mend though and am figuring out how to make this all work this time around.  I'm beyond happy that I have the "problem" of trying to figure out how to make being pregnant work with a toddler, I just need a little time to get there and Bean isn't really willing to wait around while I figure it out.  Hubby has been super supportive though and I really do think I'm feeling a little better from the hyperstimulation, so I'm hopeful that it will all be under control soon.

Now I have to wait it out until next Monday for my next ultrasound.  If I'm remembering correctly there are two more at the RE's office before she would release me to my OB.  I'm so hopeful that things continue to go well and we make it to that point.  I'm not really letting myself think that far ahead yet.  It still feels so unreal and unbelievable, but I have to say that the way my body is feeling is actually kind of a relief.  I'm happy to be feeling this pregnancy everyday because it puts my mind at ease to some degree.  The only time in my life I'm really happy to be nauseous :)  And the only time that I'm so excited for a bowl of chicken soup!  Normally I can't stand the stuff (I have no idea why) but tonight, man did it taste good.

Friday, June 1, 2012

I caved

So I realize it was just one more day, but I caved this morning and asked my nurse if I could come in today because I was feeling nervous about the hyperstimulation.  Last night I started noticing the fact that I was working harder to take deep breaths.  It was still happening when I woke up this morning and it freaked me out.  So I talked to the nurse and she told me to come in.

I had to sit around for awhile and wait for the doctor to free up, but once she did it was SO worth it.  First of all, she took a look and said that I am full of fluid and my ovaries are three times bigger then they're supposed to be, but she's not worried at this point.  She gave me some things to do, told me it might get worse before it gets better (eek!), and generally alleviated my fears.  She also saw one beautiful gestational sac.  She said she thought she saw a yolk sac but she wants me to come back in on Monday just to confirm it.  They ran my blood work again and all that looked fine and it was rising just like it should.  I didn't ask for the beta number this time because I trust them and I don't want to make myself crazy.

Yes, I probably could have waited until tomorrow and I may have overreacted, but I feel like a totally different person.  As I was putting Bean down for her nap I was thinking about why I was so fixated on worrying about multiples even though it was so unlikely and why I wasn't worrying more about miscarriage even though that's more likely (and still is possible).  Part of it was the hyperstimulation, it did take me by surprise and freak me out.  But I think what I was doing was trying to fixate on anything but miscarriage.  I've been down that road, right around this time in my first pregnancy, and I'm still pretty scared about the possibility.  At least when I was fixating on the idea of multiples it involved there still being babies.  Somehow it's easier to focus on a lot of babies then no babies.

Now that multiples are off the table, all I have left to worry about is getting through the first trimester.  Then the second, and the third.  You know the drill.  One day at a time.  Today I got my first picture of our new little baby and that made today amazing.