Saturday, September 8, 2012

A complicated thing

I've been trying to figure out how to talk about last weekend.  I can't quite figure out what I want to say or how I want to say it.  And I've been busy dealing with the aftermath of my trip.  Bean has been seriously out of sorts.  We've had more temper tantrums since I got home then I think we've had in her whole life.  I don't know if it was just that I was gone and this made her brain think about things it never had thought about before or if she's just tired or had a different diet then usual.  I don't know exactly what, but she's not herself and while she is "recovering" from it, it's been a bit of an overwhelming week.

The trip that I went on last weekend was with my college girlfriends.  We graduated ten years ago (which is so hard to believe) and have not only stayed friends but actually have grown to be better friends I think.  Which I have to say is pretty amazing, because for most of that time we all lived in different places and had very different lives.  Every year though we got together at least once and tried to do more if we could.  Once I got married (I'm the only one who is), they welcomed hubby in with open arms (they'd known him all along but it was nice to have him included in our get togethers that used to be for just us) and we had less time on our visits that were just for the girls.  A dinner out usually but that's about it.  The last time we all were together on a get away, just the four of us, was well before Bean was born.  We were busy planning something for all of us, including hubby and Bean, in December, but when I realized that I would be due the end of January, that went out the window.  So we rescheduled and ended up with a weekend about six hours away from my house, just the four of us.

During the planning stages, this seemed like a fine idea but the closer it got the harder it became to actually think about doing it.  It's not that I don't love my friends, I do very much.  And I know how lucky I am to have college friends that have become life long friends.  Not even friends, I consider them my family at this point.  They are the sisters I never had.  I don't really know how to explain it without sounding like I don't appreciate my friends or the relationships that we have developed, which means I haven't been talking about it.  But I need to talk about it a little.  I just have realized over the last few years since Bean came along, that she and hubby are my favorite people in the world.  And that if I have the choice, I would always rather have them with me or be where they are, then be without them.  There are moments sometimes when I remember what it was like to go out to eat and not have to base my order on what a toddler would eat some of, or how long it's going to take me to eat it, or some other factor.  And there are times when I do long for adult company and conversation.  But I always feel like I can find ways to balance that into my life without having to completely separate myself from my family.  More then anything, I want to be with them all the time, and no matter how much fun I might be having or how much I might be enjoying the people I'm with, being without them is like having a hole in my heart and I just can't ignore that.

All that to say that while it was wonderful to see my friends and all be together again, it was really hard for me.  Two of us drove up together so I was without a car, and I may have looked up train schedules the first night in case I wanted to make a quick getaway home.  I made it through the weekend though and it wasn't without it's benefits.  I had the chance to enjoy lots of adult conversation, eat tons of food a toddler wouldn't touch, reconnect with my dear friends, and even shop at a variety of stores for as long as I wanted (although all I bought were things for Bean).  Hubby had the chance to see what it's like to be on your own with a toddler for an extended period.  He got to enjoy being with Bean all the time and when I got home he was very appreciative and aware of all the things I do on a regular basis.  And Bean made it through too.  She got to see that the world doesn't end when I'm not there and that I do come back.  She had fun with her daddy, I'm sure got spoiled, and generally had a fun, although also tempered weekend.  There really wasn't anything bad about it so to say, but it left us all feeling a little incomplete for awhile and I'm not sure we've all recovered from it yet.  Maybe I'm strange, I don't know, but I like being with my family.  No, I love being with my family.  And that's always what I would choose if life wasn't somewhat complicated.  In the end, I'm okay with all of that, and all I can do is hope that the other people I share my life with, who I also consider to be family in one way or another, understand.  I do wish though that I had a better way of explaining it all.

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