Thursday, July 26, 2012

So close

We went in for our ultrasound today and everything was looking great.  Our baby had a strong heartbeat, was giving us some beautiful views of how wonderful s/he is, and in general looked magnificent.  There was a song playing on the radio in the background that just made me think that I needed to leave my worry behind, in that office.  That I needed to just walk away and be happily pregnant.

Then the doctor came in and told us that our baby looks beautiful and everything looks fantastic, except.  Ah, that wonderful word.  Except that my uterine arteries, which are supposed to open up to allow lots of blood to flow to the baby during pregnancy, somehow didn't get the memo.  So they aren't opening up like they should and there isn't as much blood getting down there as there should be.  For now, I have to take a low dose aspirin everyday and then I go back to the perinatologist again for my 20 week ultrasound instead of going to the OB.  He says in many cases this corrects itself by then.  But it doesn't always.  So if it doesn't then I'd be on a strict ultrasound schedule to make sure that the baby is okay and is growing well.  I didn't ask what happens at that point, if the baby isn't growing well, because I have a pretty good idea.  There isn't much they can do if a baby isn't growing well inside you except to deliver.  Sometimes I wonder if all my worrying creates actual things for me to worry about.  Like somehow the universe says "well hell, she's going to worry anyway, lets give her something to worry about!"  Stupid me.

The rest of the visit was pretty good.  I talked to the doctor about lots of things my OB is clueless about.  My MTHFR for one.  He advised me to either get my homosistene level checked or just start taking B12 and B6.  Since it won't hurt to do that, I'm going to just take the B12 and B6.  It will make me feel better in the long run.  And he told me that because of my PCOS I should get tested for gestational diabetes earlier, which nobody mentioned to me before.  He also told me that I needed to have my thyroid checked every 4-6 weeks (I have hypothyroidism) instead of once a trimester like my OB said.  And he confirmed that I can stop taking my progesterone suppositories.  The RE told me to ask my OB when to stop, the worthless OB at the group that I saw last time told me my RE should have told me when to stop, so I planned on just going until the end of the first trimester which is when I stopped with Bean.  Of course that's almost here and I was nervous about it, but the doctor today said all is well.  I mostly believe him.

It felt good to talk to somebody who knew what they were talking about (or at least put on a good show).  It's not that I don't trust my OB's (well, the worthless one I don't trust), it's just that they don't see all this stuff like the perinatologist does.  I mention MTHFR to them and they're pretty clueless.  I mention it today and he asks me which type I have.  It's a relief to talk to someone who gets it.  So I'm kind of relieved to go back there, but I'm not feeling good about the fact that I actually have a reason to go back there.  Before the doctor came in I was talking to hubby saying how I needed to get myself together because here I am all anxious and worrying and then I see women in the waiting room who clearly come here for all of their visits, because they actually have a reason too, and it makes me thankful.  Now I might be one of those women.  And I know that it could very well end up all being okay, but I can't help being scared and wishing that I could go back to worrying for no reason, because right now that seems pretty good.

It's going to be okay

So I know I said I'd stop talking about worrying soon, and I'm working on it.  It's just that I think I figured something out.  I always thought I'd be less worried the second time around, since I know that my body is capable of a successful pregnancy.  I thought that would make it easier.  Instead I find myself feeling more anxious this time.  Which may or may not be totally accurate.  I may just not remember well enough from last time.  But I think I finally figured out why that might be.

Last time, when I was pregnant with Bean, I did some blog reading.  I wasn't blogging publicly at the time and I didn't participate in the ALI community really.  I just read some blogs and mostly looked for people in similar situations to me.  Then after Bean was born I started this blog, and became more of an active member of the community.  Which lead me to a wider variety of blogs and I learned more and more about what other people go through.  Up until then I always thought that if something was wrong with your pregnancy, you'd know it right away.  Like I did when I had the miscarriage.  Then I learned that it's possible to think that everything is fine, go to the doctor, and find out that your baby is gone.  And I can't quite figure out how to come to peace with that.

I feel excited and confident after every doctors appointment.  Then in between I start to worry more and more.  How do I know that everything is okay?  How do I know that the next time I go to the doctor, it's going to be good news?  I have no way at this point.  I just have to go on faith and that can be scary sometimes.  I used to be pretty excited about doctors appointments and ultrasounds, now they make me nervous.  I'm not quite sure how to overcome that.  Except just convince myself that there's nothing I can do about all of it.  I have to just keep going every day with the assumption that all is okay until I'm given a reason to think otherwise.

Today is our first "big" ultrasound.  I'm a mix of excitement and nerves.  I'm also anxious because Bean has a babysitter which hardly ever happens.  I know she'll be fine, it's me I'm more worried about.  I have a hard time leaving her with anyone except hubby, which I know I have to get over.  And soon too since we can't take her to the hospital with us in January if everything goes as planned.  I'm working on all of it, because it's all related to the same thing.  I have to believe that things will be okay even if I can't see what's happening every second.  I'll get there, I hope.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Cleaning house

Today I was cleaning up my bedroom and I finally took the box off the top of my dresser.  It's my med box from our last cycle, filled with my extra viles of medicine, needles, alcohol wipes, etc.  The sharps container and one box of alcohol wipes were still by the sink in the bathroom.  Even after we got the good news, I couldn't really put them away.  I was still convinced I might need them soon.  Today I boxed it all up.  I just moved it to a shelf in the top of my closet, because I know I'm not ready to get rid of it yet.  I know there's still a possibility that I will need it again soon.  But for now it's out of sight and hopefully out of mind.  I've been feeling very lucky the last few days for my life, my friends, and my family.  It's easy to just think about the scary and bad in the world, especially at times like these.  But I'm making a conscious effort to try and put it all out of my mind.  There's only so much you can do.  At some point you have to just live your life.  So today I boxed up how we got pregnant and I'm just focusing on being pregnant.  And I promise, one of these days soon I'll have more to talk about then just how scared I am to let go and enjoy this.  I'm really trying hard to get there and I'm so thankful for all the support I have along the way.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

A common bond

While we were on vacation we had the opportunity to visit some wonderful friends of ours that we went to college with.  It was one of the highlights of our trip as we haven't seen them in years and they haven't even met Bean before.  It was much too short of a visit but worth the long drive and we enjoyed every second.

We weren't there for very long when we learned that our dear friends were dealing with some of the same hurdles to starting their family that we had.  I was heartbroken for them.  This is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and to see such good people and dear friends going through it, it brought back a lot of feelings, especially those of how unfair all of this is.  The night before we left we found ourselves sitting around a table with our friends, and friends of theirs who are also going through infertility.  I had never been surrounded by so many couples who really understood.  I can't even describe what that was like.  I could try, but I just don't feel like I could do it justice.  It changed me though.

It gave me perspective once again on where we've been, on how many other people out there are going through this, and how in certain ways we've come out the other side.  I've always said that I will never be living after infertility, I will always be living with it, even after we're done growing our family, and that hasn't changed.  But when you're sitting around a table with wonderful people talking about the heartache, financial difficulties, and generally crappiness that comes along with all this, it's hard feel a little like I shouldn't even open my mouth.  Our beautiful baby girl was sleeping upstairs and these two incredible couples are still waiting for their miracle.  Not only that, but we have our second growing inside me right now.  What I wouldn't give for us all to have little ones sleeping upstairs, as many of them as we want.

But life isn't like that.  And the reality of it all is that for some people, it just never happens.  I've known that all along and when I was going through it the first time, I was so terrified that could be me.  Now I see that in other people and all the worry that I'm putting into my current pregnancy, well, it makes me feel a little foolish.  Yes, I will always be infertile, and I will always feel infertility, but part of that should be, no needs to be, that I can feel the joy of finally achieving my dream, for however long it lasts.  That I can feel the fear but also be able to put it in a box.  That I can control it instead of it controlling me.  Because there was a time when I didn't know if I would ever have one baby and while I know that other people are in that same situation every day, seeing it on the faces of my friends, reminded me how that used to feel.

So I feel like to do my friends justice, to be in this with them, I need to start figuring out how to control the fear instead of letting it control me.  Sitting at that table, that night, I was the lucky one.  As crappy as all of our stories were, as hard as every single journey was and still is, I am the lucky one because I have Bean, this new little one, and people who can honestly sit at that table and support me.  Tell me that I give them hope.  I'm not sure I could have done that myself before Bean.  In turn, they all gave me hope.  Hope that someday we'll all have our families, however they come to be, and that the journey that got us there will be just a reminder of how much we should cherish it and not something to bring up sadness, fear, worry, and doubt.  I'm hanging onto hope and boxing up the fear, for myself, my friends, and all of you out there still in the thick of it.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Vacation revelation and a call from the RE

Well, I neglected to mention last time that the reason hubby was off for the week was because we were headed on vacation.  It was also the reason the doctor brought me in for an ultrasound that Friday.  Since we were going to be out of town for a little over a week, they wanted to be sure that everything was okay.  We had a nice time on our trip and it was great to get away, but about half way through the week I had a little bit of a breakdown.  It's hard traveling with a toddler sometimes (even though overall she did AMAZINGLY well), and it's also hard when you're not feeling like yourself.  Which I'm still not.  We're almost at 12 weeks (which I can't even believe) and I'm still fighting that constant nausea and tiredness along with a few other things.

It was just hard to feel like I was truly on vacation, and then I got a call from the OB that I tested positive for a urinary tract infection at my ultrasound and that I needed to start on an antibiotic.  Which of course made me worry.  I never had to take any kind of medication other then tyl.enol when I was pregnant with Bean.  I know that my doctor said this is common and the medicine is safe for our little one, but it kind of tipped me over the edge and made me realize that what I wanted to take a vacation from more then anything else, was the worry that had been hanging over me since we got that first positive beta.

I want so badly to just turn off my brain for a short time and not think about every twinge I feel, or worry about the bad things that can happen.  There are moments when my brain stops confining itself and I'll think about what could happen.  I'll think about January, when we will hopefully have a new baby.  I'll start making plans.  And then I freak out and make myself stop and hope that I haven't somehow jinxed myself by thinking so boldly.  No matter what I do, I can't take a vacation from all that.  It follows me wherever I go and the moment I realized that, I broke down.  Poor hubby was amazing and did his best to help me bring it all under control and we did have a good time.  I'm just itching to get out of the first trimester.  I'm SO looking forward to feeling this baby move which always brings me such comfort.  Mostly though, I'm looking forward to January, when hopefully I'll be holding this baby in my arms.  Because I know from last time that as much as I try to enjoy every day, it won't be until that moment that I completely believe this is going to happen and my worry can finally rest.

On a completely separate topic, while Bean and I were doing that post-vacation grocery shopping trip today (so exhausting!!), I got a call from my RE's office.  I always kind of expect that if they're calling me now it's about a bill that hasn't been paid yet or something.  Instead she was asking me if I wanted to be part of a video shoot that they're doing next week with success stories from my RE's office.  I had no idea what to say so I told her that I'd have to think about it.  Normally, my first reaction would just be to say no to something like this and I still think I am, but I had to think about it for a minute.

I do want to share my infertility journey, I want to get the word out, I don't want to be silent about this.  However, I also don't neccesarily want to be PR for my RE's office.  Because I'm sure the story that is going to be told is the success side, but that's not just what this journey is for me.  Yes, it is a success because Bean is here and I am forever thankful to my RE for that, but the journey itself was about a lot of failure.  Are they going to ask about the 5 failed cycles and the two miscarriages that I had before Bean came along?  The tears that I cried and the worry that I went through while I was pregnant?  I doubt it.  Are they even going to ask about the first time around or just focus on the fact that I got pregnant on the first cycle this time?  There's so much more to it all then that.  I want my story to be out there, but I want it to be on my terms, and I want it to be going to the right people.  So I just don't think this is the path I want to take.  What would you do in the same situation?

Friday, July 6, 2012

Scary morning, but all is well

Just a quick update as things are busy busy.  This morning my heart stopped because I had some spotting and of course I started thinking the worst (like, damn it, I shouldn't have cut the tags off those maternity shorts, I did jinx myself!!).  I called my OB's office and they were super.  Even though it was pretty minimal they knew I was worried and that with the weekend and everything coming up they had me come in.  Not only did they do an exam, but they did a quick ultrasound and it felt like the biggest gift.  I was instantly relieved to see our little one bouncing around the screen and for the first time got to see little arms and legs and everything.  We also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time.  It was just such a relief.  I knew from the RE that I have a small subcorionic hematoma and the OB thinks that's where the spotting is coming from.  So I'm ordered to take it easy for the week and since hubby is actually off work (what a wonderful coincidence) that's exactly what I plan to do.  I want to write more, I'm just exhausted after a very busy week with family visiting and a very emotional day.  So good to know all is well in there though.  I will certainly sleep good tonight!

Sunday, July 1, 2012


I've been struggling with clothes.  At home I happily wear things that show off my obviously growing belly.  It certainly is growing earlier this time then last, and while it's easiest to blame the hyperstimulation, I think the fact that I never lost the last 5 pounds or so of my baby weight from Bean probably has a lot to do with it too (or maybe it was 10 pounds, if I'm being totally honest here which I should).

Anyway, I'm struggling when I go out.  I'm not ready tell the world at large that I'm pregnant. I'm 9 and a half weeks and I haven't seen our little one in almost two weeks.  The longer it goes, the more I worry that something has happened and I have no idea.  In two weeks we'll get to check on things in there again, but until then, I'll be nervous.  Anyway, back to the point.  I have about 4 outfits that I feel like make me look chubby and not pregnant.  I wear them a lot.  Anytime I leave the house.  And the pants, that situation is really starting to get dire.  So yesterday I went and tried on lots of pants/shorts/capris.  I tried to stay in the normal people department.  Why can't the world get on board with more elastic waistbands???  Come on.

Anyway, that wasn't happening so eventually I found myself in the maternity department, trying on some underbelly shorts and they were, so very wonderful.  I didn't want to buy them, I really didn't.  I feel like it's way to early to be making such a purchase.  But I'm desperate here so I bought two pairs.  They're still in the bag with the tags on.  I want desperately to wear them but am so afraid I'm asking for heartbreak.  Why can't I just go with it?  Why do I have to be so freaking nervous and worried all the time?  I know why, but sometimes I do wish it was different.