Thursday, July 26, 2012

It's going to be okay

So I know I said I'd stop talking about worrying soon, and I'm working on it.  It's just that I think I figured something out.  I always thought I'd be less worried the second time around, since I know that my body is capable of a successful pregnancy.  I thought that would make it easier.  Instead I find myself feeling more anxious this time.  Which may or may not be totally accurate.  I may just not remember well enough from last time.  But I think I finally figured out why that might be.

Last time, when I was pregnant with Bean, I did some blog reading.  I wasn't blogging publicly at the time and I didn't participate in the ALI community really.  I just read some blogs and mostly looked for people in similar situations to me.  Then after Bean was born I started this blog, and became more of an active member of the community.  Which lead me to a wider variety of blogs and I learned more and more about what other people go through.  Up until then I always thought that if something was wrong with your pregnancy, you'd know it right away.  Like I did when I had the miscarriage.  Then I learned that it's possible to think that everything is fine, go to the doctor, and find out that your baby is gone.  And I can't quite figure out how to come to peace with that.

I feel excited and confident after every doctors appointment.  Then in between I start to worry more and more.  How do I know that everything is okay?  How do I know that the next time I go to the doctor, it's going to be good news?  I have no way at this point.  I just have to go on faith and that can be scary sometimes.  I used to be pretty excited about doctors appointments and ultrasounds, now they make me nervous.  I'm not quite sure how to overcome that.  Except just convince myself that there's nothing I can do about all of it.  I have to just keep going every day with the assumption that all is okay until I'm given a reason to think otherwise.

Today is our first "big" ultrasound.  I'm a mix of excitement and nerves.  I'm also anxious because Bean has a babysitter which hardly ever happens.  I know she'll be fine, it's me I'm more worried about.  I have a hard time leaving her with anyone except hubby, which I know I have to get over.  And soon too since we can't take her to the hospital with us in January if everything goes as planned.  I'm working on all of it, because it's all related to the same thing.  I have to believe that things will be okay even if I can't see what's happening every second.  I'll get there, I hope.

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