I was at story hour with Bean today and happened to overhear two of the other moms talking. I hadn't noticed until that moment that they were pregnant, even though I saw them at the first session last week, which kind of amazed me because usually I zone in on pregnant people. They were talking about the sex of their babies and if they were finding out or not. One had two boys already and the other had one. They were both talking about how everyone kept thinking they must want a girl. And the one mom said something about how she just wanted a baby and what a gift that was. In that moment, I felt so connected to that mom. I'd spoken to her briefly before, and I wished then that I was better at making friends with people I didn't really know because those words told me a lot about who she is as a parent, and I can relate.
Somehow I managed to find my way into their conversation (which is impressive because I'm not good at those things) and we discovered that we're all due within a month of each other. For the next little while we just sat there talking about pregnancy things, and it felt natural. I felt like a normal person. I didn't once have the urge to blurt out that I'm broken and can't make babies on my own or that I had a miscarriage once and it makes me terrified often during pregnancy. When I mentioned my 20 week ultrasound today (can you believe it??), I didn't even have the urge to add anything about my messed up arteries that can't seem to get enough blood where it needs to go (which I'm hoping have magically fixed themselves). I just talked like a normal person. Told the funny story of hubby trying to announce in the operating room whether Bean was a boy or a girl (he was a bit flustered) and I belonged. For a minute.
Then I came home, got Bean lunch and down for a nap, did a bunch of things around the house and sat down for a minute before it's time to go to this ultrasound. And I started thinking and worrying. Hoping that this afternoon will be fun and put our minds at ease instead of giving me more to worry about. It is reassuring feeling this little baby bopping around in my belly now, but seeing him or her, knowing for sure what's happening and what that means, it's something totally different. And then I felt like myself again. Kind of broken.
And for a minute it made me sad. Sad that I can't be normal and just find peace and joy in every moment of my pregnancies. That I can't always be the one busting out a funny story. But that didn't last either. I am who I am. My life has made me this way, infertility has made me this way, and I cherish every single moment of who I am and what I'm doing right now, even the hard ones and the broken ones, and sometimes the normal feeling ones. So I'm going into today with the hope that all will be well and that this baby growing inside me will stay put for a long time and be as healthy as can be when it's born. I know there's a possibility that my reality in a few hours or weeks or months could be very different, but I'll figure that out when it comes.