Sunday, June 21, 2015

Over the line

Needless to say, life has been busy. Birdie and Bean are doing really well. Bean is actually starting school in the fall, which I can't wrap my head around, but it's happening so I guess I better. Birdie is 2 now and is all kinds of feisty. She's still medicated three times a day for her heart condition, but we haven't had any flair ups and that's a relief. We're still trying to figure out everything that's happening in her body. She has problems with eczema and gas for one thing. We're trying different dietary restrictions but it's hard to figure out. It seems that it isn't bad enough for anyone in the medical world to care, but when you're kid is itchy all the time, it's hard to feel the same.

As far as itches go, I've got the baby itch again. I want another one. Badly. It feels like the whole world around me is getting pregnant (literally, at least five of my friends are either pregnant or have recently given birth) and I sit here, once again, infertile. Only this time I'm over the dreaded line. I turned 35 a month or so ago and have been feeling every bit of my advanced maternal age since. I feel infertile again. I always feel infertile, but obviously it's at its worst when I actually want to be getting pregnant. I know in my heart that if it doesn't happen, I have two beautiful children and will be a very happy mama, but I would be lying if I didn't say that my heart aches a little when I think about not having any more.

I've thought about going back to the RE but Birdie is still nursing a few times a day and she said she wouldn't do anything while I was breastfeeding. I weaned Bean so that we could try to get pregnant again and it was so hard. Bean didn't seem to mind though so that made it slightly easier. Birdie on the other hand would not be so easy going about it. So I keep putting it off. There's a part of me that doesn't want to go back at all. I want to just try and I may have to reach the breaking point where I will really have to decide how badly I want to be pregnant again before I can go either way. It's such a hard process to go through. I just can't decide.

I've also started researching more. I've been reading so much about PCOS and Hypothyroidism. I've been trying to read about MTHFR but there definitely isn't as much information about there. I'm frustrated and angry right now about all of it. I feel like my doctors have been treating my symptoms and not actually trying to figure out what's going on in my body. I feel like there are possible alternative treatments that I could have been doing this whole time. I feel like an idiot for not looking into all of it sooner. Now here I sit, over the line, and I feel like I wasted so much time. Now, none of it may work and it all may be a mute point, but I can't help feeling the frustration and anger.

I'm in a good place overall though. I have two healthy girls who are the light of my life. I just hate that I'm hiding from all the pregnant people in the world. I hate that I actually grimaced when my friend told me she was pregnant. What kind of a person does that?? I feel like such a jerk. But I also feel like my time is running out and I'm just not sure I'm ready to give up on that part of my life yet. So there's anxiety of course and every pregnant belly out there reminds me of it. I'm feeling old and forever infertile, and I missed the place where I could say all of those things and someone would understand.