Monday, July 16, 2012

Vacation revelation and a call from the RE

Well, I neglected to mention last time that the reason hubby was off for the week was because we were headed on vacation.  It was also the reason the doctor brought me in for an ultrasound that Friday.  Since we were going to be out of town for a little over a week, they wanted to be sure that everything was okay.  We had a nice time on our trip and it was great to get away, but about half way through the week I had a little bit of a breakdown.  It's hard traveling with a toddler sometimes (even though overall she did AMAZINGLY well), and it's also hard when you're not feeling like yourself.  Which I'm still not.  We're almost at 12 weeks (which I can't even believe) and I'm still fighting that constant nausea and tiredness along with a few other things.

It was just hard to feel like I was truly on vacation, and then I got a call from the OB that I tested positive for a urinary tract infection at my ultrasound and that I needed to start on an antibiotic.  Which of course made me worry.  I never had to take any kind of medication other then tyl.enol when I was pregnant with Bean.  I know that my doctor said this is common and the medicine is safe for our little one, but it kind of tipped me over the edge and made me realize that what I wanted to take a vacation from more then anything else, was the worry that had been hanging over me since we got that first positive beta.

I want so badly to just turn off my brain for a short time and not think about every twinge I feel, or worry about the bad things that can happen.  There are moments when my brain stops confining itself and I'll think about what could happen.  I'll think about January, when we will hopefully have a new baby.  I'll start making plans.  And then I freak out and make myself stop and hope that I haven't somehow jinxed myself by thinking so boldly.  No matter what I do, I can't take a vacation from all that.  It follows me wherever I go and the moment I realized that, I broke down.  Poor hubby was amazing and did his best to help me bring it all under control and we did have a good time.  I'm just itching to get out of the first trimester.  I'm SO looking forward to feeling this baby move which always brings me such comfort.  Mostly though, I'm looking forward to January, when hopefully I'll be holding this baby in my arms.  Because I know from last time that as much as I try to enjoy every day, it won't be until that moment that I completely believe this is going to happen and my worry can finally rest.

On a completely separate topic, while Bean and I were doing that post-vacation grocery shopping trip today (so exhausting!!), I got a call from my RE's office.  I always kind of expect that if they're calling me now it's about a bill that hasn't been paid yet or something.  Instead she was asking me if I wanted to be part of a video shoot that they're doing next week with success stories from my RE's office.  I had no idea what to say so I told her that I'd have to think about it.  Normally, my first reaction would just be to say no to something like this and I still think I am, but I had to think about it for a minute.

I do want to share my infertility journey, I want to get the word out, I don't want to be silent about this.  However, I also don't neccesarily want to be PR for my RE's office.  Because I'm sure the story that is going to be told is the success side, but that's not just what this journey is for me.  Yes, it is a success because Bean is here and I am forever thankful to my RE for that, but the journey itself was about a lot of failure.  Are they going to ask about the 5 failed cycles and the two miscarriages that I had before Bean came along?  The tears that I cried and the worry that I went through while I was pregnant?  I doubt it.  Are they even going to ask about the first time around or just focus on the fact that I got pregnant on the first cycle this time?  There's so much more to it all then that.  I want my story to be out there, but I want it to be on my terms, and I want it to be going to the right people.  So I just don't think this is the path I want to take.  What would you do in the same situation?

1 comment:

  1. I agree with you in regards to your story. Maybe call them and ask? If its not what you want to tell, then pass!

    On the fear front, man do I understand this so well right now. I have my good and bad days, but I swear the worst of it was right in that transition time to the second trimester. I think I remember it getting easier, but I also don't remember it being this bad either. Big hugs, I hope it gets better soon!
    Yeah for 12 weeks!