Friday, August 31, 2012

I think there's something wrong with me

So tomorrow I'm leaving for the weekend.  I'll be gone for four days and three nights.  So far the longest I've ever been away from Bean for is a night.  Needless to say, I'm having a hard time with this.  Not in the way most people would expect either.  I know Bean will be in good hands.  I know hubby will do an amazing job and it will be a special weekend with them spending time together just the two of them.  I know that and I'm not really worried about that at all.  Will I miss them?  Ridiculously.  They are my favorite people in the world and I want to spend every second I can with them.  The problem I'm having is that this idea of going away for a short time is bringing up one of my biggest fears.

When I think about traveling and going away by myself I always worry that somethings going to happen and I start imagining what would happen if I didn't come back.  What would life be like for Bean and hubby?  Even for the dog.  There's no way Bean could really understand.  Would she think that I had left her by choice?  How would she adjust to daycare?  And on and on.  I think of hubby and how he told me that the thirty minutes he was alone in the nursery with Bean while they were sewing me up from my c-section, were the scariest of his life.  That he never imagined doing that alone.  I know he could do it, but what would it be like for him?  Being a single dad.  I even think of our dog, who is a total mama's boy.  We got him in the worst part of our struggle to have Bean and I was home full time with him when he was a puppy.  He is in many ways my first baby.  And he knows when I'm gone.  He barks at every car door and awaits my arrival.  I imagine that scene from the movie "Ret.urn to Me" where the dog waits by the door for days expecting his mama to come home but she never does.  All of these thoughts, they gut me.

I used to worry about death in a selfish way.  I'd think of all the things I wanted to do and what I'd be missing.  I still do think about what I'd be missing and how sad that is, but now that I'm a mama I mostly think of it in terms of my family.  I want to be here for a long time for them.  I need to be here for a long time for them.  I don't know why trips like this always bring up these fears in me.  I know how fragile life is.  I know that every day is a blessing and trip or not, it can all be over much sooner then we expect or hope.  Somehow leaving my family though just brings it all out in me.  And maybe I'm crazy, but it makes me never want to leave.  I feel like everyone thinks I should be excited to get away and enjoy some "time off" but all I want to do is hold my baby and listen to her talk and laugh and grow.  Does that mean there's something wrong with me?


  1. Yeah, I totally get that. I have done very little in Thailand but seeing the tigers and elephants really brought up the same thing. I was thinking, what will happen to JourneyMan, JBB and JourneyDog who is Woolly if something happens to me? I refused to do some things on these grounds alone, the guide didn't understand but to me it was a no brainer. I hate being away from JBB, it's like a physical loss.

  2. I think when you know how hard it is to "create" life, you realize how much more impact losing it can be. But, that said, I don't think there's anything wrong with you--I'm a worrier, so I'd totally be just like that...if I ever got to go anywhere!

    I hope you end up enjoying your time away (and are safe of course) and it helps you for the next time. Have fun!

  3. I think we all have these types of thoughts. I have even had them when I just run to the store alone. Moms just think too much and sadly I don't think there is anything you can do to change it.

  4. Thank you all for helping me feel less crazy. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I made it through the weekend but man was it hard. Life certainly is different in just about every way once your a mama.