Finding my place

I've been trying to find a moms group to join since most of my friends don't have families or babies yet.  I have to admit, I have a hard time joining new groups.  I've never been a really outgoing person and while I always have a pretty easy time making friends once I get up the courage to go and join something, it's getting up the courage that takes awhile.  I've been thinking about doing this ever since Bean was born but it wasn't until lately that I realized just how much we both need it.  So I finally got brave and got in contact with a group in my area.

I admit, I only went to one event and ever since then, I've been trying to figure out where I belong.  Part of me wants to be able to go to something like this and just be my wonderfully ordinary self, without all the baggage that I have that led up to me being a mama, but that's kind of a joke I think.  If I try to ignore that, well, it just doesn't work.  When I went to this moms group, I really enjoyed getting to talk about babies and watch Bean "play" with some other kids, but I had a hard time with some of the conversation and the general vibe.  They have all of these different things for the moms to do and the kids all play while the moms do their thing. I know that will probably be fine once Bean gets older, but right now I want to do things with her. I don't just want to stick her on my lap or on the floor at my feet while I do my thing.  I want this to be a group for both of us.

As for the conversation, I just have a different perspective.  I have a really hard time complaining about anything related to motherhood or being a SAH mama.  I love it and the hard stuff, well, I figure it's all part of the job.  Any job has both good and bad stuff, you just have to make sure there is a balance.  All I need to look at that little face while I'm nursing her or rocking her to sleep, and Bean erases any of the frustration I was feeling.  I know this is a hard job, but it has amazing payoffs, and so my feeling is to focus on the fact that I feel just beyond blessed to be given the chance to be a mama instead of spending my time complaining about this, that, or the other.  I feel like there was a lot of complaining.  I don't know if this was just the specific group that I went to, or something that happens at a lot of moms groups.

So at times like this, I feel like I have much more in common with people who have been in the infertility trenches.  I just feel like it gives you a perspective on parenthood that is hard to come by otherwise.  At the same time though, I feel like I don't totally belong among the infertiles anymore.  I know that I still am infertile.  No matter what my mother-in-law thinks, we're not just going to *poof* have lots of babies on our own from now on.  We didn't unclog a drain and now the pipes work.  I still feel broken and banged up, but I have a baby.  So no matter how much I can relate to all of those wonderful souls who are going through the same battle I did (and plan to again, when we're ready), they most likely want very little to do with me.  When I go back to try for #2, I'll be the woman that I used to be so jealous of who was sitting in the waiting room at the RE's office with my little one by my side.  I will be conscious of that every single time that I go and I will most likely feel bad, every single time.

So I'm still rolling around the idea of trying to start a moms group for other mamas who started their families through adoption or infertility treatments.  I have no idea if it will work or if, once again, I can get up the guts to do something that requires putting myself out there, but I want a place.  I want to fit somewhere, and right now, I just feel like I'm stuck part way in two worlds, and I haven't figured out how to totally make that work.