ICWLers, You're Amazing

First, I have to say that my blog has been a bit neglected this week because I've been spending any online time that I have on everyone else's blogs.  Hopefully I can have something more insightful to post next week.

It has been such a privilege to visit all the blogs that I have through ICWL and to read all the powerful stories of people in this community.  I am kicking myself black and blue for not doing this years ago.  I felt so alone for so long, and it was completely unnecessary.  I have so much respect for the guts it takes to blog about this experience, and I didn't have the guts then, but I'm glad that I'm here now and hopefully finding a place for myself here, and the blogosphere in general.

This week has been exhausting in a couple ways too.  First, I'm not the kind of person who just clicks on five blogs, comments, and is done.  I must have visited every blog on the list, multiple times.  I wanted to comment when I felt compelled to, and not because I had five comments to leave that day.  On top of that, reading all those blogs takes you all over the world of infertility and it brought back a lot of thoughts and emotions.  Part of me put all of those feelings, thoughts, and experiences in a box and packed them on a shelf for awhile after Bean was born.  Reading the post I wrote about my infertility story now, I would write it totally differently.  I forgot things.  I forgot about our chemical pregnancy, or my MTHFR diagnosis.  When I was in the middle of my fight for Bean, I could have rattled of every diagnosis, dates of every cycle, doses of medications, and so on.  I still remember all that stuff, but it was in that box.  I thought I could pack it away for awhile and just be Bean's mama.  Not Bean's infertile mama.  I could deal with the way that infertility changed me as a parent but I stopped remembering the infertility part.  This week brought that all back.  And for that I'm thankful.

I'm thankful because when Bean was born we said we'd go back to the RE when she was a year old just to talk about trying for number two.  We knew we might not be ready yet, but we wanted to see what she thought about it.  Well that's a month and a half away!  If we really want to do that, I have to make that appointment now.  I have to go back to that office and feel all those things, and be the person I was back then again.

I'm also thankful because it's totally ridiculous of me to think that I can just pack up those bits and pieces of me.  Because even though they may seem small, they add up to something big, and I need to be able to deal with all of it.

So thank you all for letting me in (and continuing to), letting me be a part of your experience, and helping me come to terms with my own.  I think it's time to rewrite my infertility story and maybe start looking at the next chapter.