Recommitment

I don't know anyone else, but where I am, we're ready for Spring.  I always love Spring, it's one of my favorite times of year.  The calendar may say that it's here, but it isn't yet.  You know it's Spring when you hear the birds in the morning, when the buds start popping on the trees, and when the air smells like it. You know that smell, when everything smells fresh and earthy.  I'm so ready.

I always love Spring because it feels like the world is rewarding you for getting through the Winter.  Don't get me wrong, there are things I love about the Winter too, but by this point I'm done.  I'm done with the big bulky coats, the days being trapped inside as the snow, icy, or wind whips around outside the window, or the days when it looks so sunny and beautiful that it lures you out only to have your breath taken away by the bitter cold.  It's sneaky and it makes me yearn for Spring.  It feels like a gift, a recommitment.  The world saying, okay, I know I was tough on you for the last 4 months but you did it, it's over, and Summer is on the way.  You get to watch the earth come alive again, hear the sound of people outside, smell all those good smells in the air.

Spring is also a time when I can always drag myself out of a funk.  It's easy to keep dragging your heels when it's cold outside and the world feels kind of slow and sleepy.  Spring feels like a kick in the butt, a reminder to take a deep breath and get the most out of everyday.  This year, I need that kick in the butt.  I realized that for the last 4 years, I have been committed to lots of things, but never to myself.  For two years I was committed to making a baby, then I was committed to growing a baby, and most recently I've been committed to nurturing a baby.  It's been four years since I really focused on myself, and it shows.  I have lost all of my pregnancy weight, but I'm still hanging on to those pounds of infertility weight that I gained.  I don't take time for myself anymore.  I'm lucky if I get a shower everyday or am wearing clothes without a mystery stain let alone thinking about things like blow driers, mascara, or accessories.  I don't take time to read a book, or get out on my own for a little while.  I just haven't done it.

I feel like this blog was my first step in recommitting to myself.  I finally can acknowledge that I need to find an outlet for my thoughts and others who can understand where I'm coming from.  I feel really good that I'm here, doing this now.  I'm ready for more though.  I want to focus on myself, just a tiny bit.  I want to have those moments that I feel like are just for me, I want to feel good about myself, and I want to feel like I look as full of life as I feel.  I'm ready for it, I'm ready to put the whipping wind at my back and look toward those warm, sunny days.  I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm going to try.