Thursday, March 10, 2011

Here we go!

I've been thinking about this post for a really long time.  The first post seems like a big deal.  It feels like it should be a lot of things, and so in my head I kept putting it off because I said I wanted to work on the design of the blog.  I realized though, that I just don't have the time I need right now and I'm dying to get out there.  The design aspect is just an excuse to keep me from jumping into something new and I'm going to stop worrying about it.  I can redesign as I go and completely plan to, but for now, it is what it is.  So here we go, my first post!

Today I had a pretty big epiphany.  I had lunch with one of my best friends.  We went to college together and have been friends for over a decade.  For a long time we have lived in different places but recently ended up much closer geographically.  This has been both wonderful, and a little challenging.  It's made me reevaluate our friendship because it has different parameters now.  I was in a bit of a funk yesterday trying to figure out what to do about this friendship.  I have some issues from the last few years and how this friend, and some of my others, handled (or rather didn't handle) my struggle with infertility.  I felt kind of abandoned and I'm clearly still harboring some issues from that.

So last night I had a long talk with Hubby about whether I should discuss this with my friend or not.  You see, most of my really good friends are in a totally different place in life then me.  They don't have significant others and kids are not on the horizon.  I kept trying to figure out how to put my battle with infertility and my miscarriage into terms that they could understand.  How could I force them to see what life was like for me and help us have a better friendship and more open lines of communication?  Then it hit me today.  I can't and I shouldn't.  I have been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and it's just not worth it.

I'm not saying that I don't want to be friends with this person anymore, but I need to recognize what this friendship is and what it isn't.  I need to find friends that have what I need and what I need is someone with the ability to relate to this struggle in my life.  So I have an idea.  I think I might try starting a play group for moms who have come to parenthood through adoption or infertility.  I feel like it would be great support for any future attempts to grow our families and I really feel like my infertility struggles have changed me as a parent.  I need to find other people who relate to all this.  Now I just have to be brave and actually do it.  I totally think I can.

As for my friend, we had a nice lunch today.  I appreciate her for who she is and what an important part she's played in my life up until now, and what an important part she'll play in the future.  But I can't hold her to unrealistic expectations and hopefully in the future I'll have support in this area of my life from people who really understand it, so I won't need her to understand something that she can't.  And I really really hope this is something she can never understand, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.


  1. *WAVES*
    Hi there...
    I'm stopping over from LFCA and subbing to your blog to follow along.

    For me, I found that our infertility struggled really defined a lot of my friendships. There were those who I considered to me some of my closest friends who were not able to bring to the table what I needed from them in that point in my life. And for those couple friendships, I do feel like it irrevocably damaged our relationships. One, I don't speak to at all anymore. The others, I still do, but the friendship has been changed forever.

    On the flip side, I was discovered that some people who I considered "work friends" or casual acquaintances were there to offer support and strength in ways I never could have imagined, and our relationships blossomed into truly wonderful friendships through it all.

  2. Hi there! Welcome to the blogosphere!

    I agree ... IF changes a lot, in ways I never could have expected. Some of the people I met because of pregnancy loss became my best friends because I found I had more in common than loss ... and I think that's the key: we need our friends to be able to be both "ordinary," and "understanding."

  3. Thank you both for the warm welcome! I think I'm still struggling with the friend issue a bit. Some days I forgive my friend for not trying harder to understand what was going on in my life (and will again if we want more babies) and some days it still makes me feel differently toward her. I guess only time will tell where we end up, but hopefully I can find people like you both said, that can be more supportive and understanding.