Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant or be a parent who didn't have to fight so hard to get here. (This idea pops in my head a lot, but this time it was brought on by a "friend" everybody's favorite social networking site who announced she was pregnant at 6 weeks. 6 WEEKS!) My entire pregnancy was different then I had imagined pregnancy would be and that was because I knew what could happen. Not only did I know what could happen because of the miscarriage that I had, but in my battle with IF and when I was trying to deal with the loss of our first pregnancy, I turned to blogs and the Internet. This really helped me but it also really opened up my eyes. I found people who were dealing with the same things I was and then I found people who dealt with much worse.
When you're in the middle of it, it's hard to realize that it could be worse. When I had the miscarriage, it felt like the end of the world, and at that time it was. But then I started reading about people who lost multiple babies or who actually felt that baby grow inside of them only to lose them at the very end, or after they had gotten the chance to meet them. If I was that devastated after 5 weeks, I can't imagine what it must feel like after 40. I learned from all that reading, all the horrible things that could go wrong, and no matter how hard I tried during my pregnancy with Bean, I couldn't shake them. As relaxed as I tried to be, I couldn't just let go. My dear friends tried to throw me a shower and I was so scared of celebrating Bean before she was here, that I couldn't let go of control and let them just plan something. I don't think they understood that. One of them said something after she saw the draft of the invitation like "it doesn't even say baby shower, this is supposed to be a celebration!" but to me, it was TERRIFYING.
In the end, Bean arrived totally healthy and has just been, this amazing presence in my life. Every single day I am thankful for her and realize how incredibly lucky I am. Today, I feel a little extra lucky. I spent my free time (as little as it is with a walking 10 month old) today reading a blog about the loss of a baby. One who graced the world for only three days. Today I hold my baby a little closer and realize that as much as I would have loved to have had a fun filled, worry free pregnancy, it doesn't matter. Bean is here, she's healthy, and she's mine. And while I can celebrate that, I can also feel incredibly sad today for the woman I met who can't say that. Today, my life is easy and ordinary and I hope that someday, this person can say that too.