I've come to the conclusion that the itchy skin I was talking about in my last post was more nerves and fears then anything else. I have a tendency when I'm worried about something to find any reason possible to try to avoid it. And that's what I was doing, I was trying to find a reason to reschedule that doctors appointment. Because I'm scared of starting over and opening myself up to being hurt again. I'm scared about emotionally going back to the really bad place that I was a few years ago. I feel like I'm finally finding my footing again and finding myself, or rediscovering myself I suppose. The person I was before infertility doesn't exist anymore, but I'm figuring out who I am now and I'm more self confident then I have been in a long, long time. And I'm scared of losing all that.
But it doesn't matter. I'm not going to let the fear stop me this time. I can totally do this. It's going to be hard, it's going to take awhile to figure out how to fit all of the appointments and shots and all of that into our daily routine without upsetting Bean's life too much. But I'll do it. I can do it. And I'm so willing if it means another baby. Because the reality of the situation is that I have been incredibly blessed once and I feel so lucky. I have been living the last 15 months in this happy bubble that I'm afraid infertility is going to pop. I'm not going to let it though. Bean is the proof that all of the work and heartache is worth the payoff. I know we may not be as lucky this time, but I have to try. And I have the best possible way to stay grounded and focused on life at hand instead of getting caught up in the negativity of it all. Bean's going to get me through this and I'm going to remind myself every day that I am one lucky mama, no matter what happens this time around. And hopefully that will keep my head above water.
Thank you all for the support, you have no idea how nice it is to hear from people who really understand. I have so much respect for this community. That's why I'm scared of hurting people at the RE's office. So I'm going to do my best to leave Bean at home and take my infertile self there and not my mama self. But I know it's not always going to be possible to separate the two and I have faith that the other women in this community will be understanding of that. I know that the positive person that is posting today will get lost at times and struggle with what's to come. And so I'm thanking you in advance because so far I've had nothing but support from everyone, no matter where they are in their journey, and I only hope I can give a little bit of it back to all of you. So here we go. Time to start again.
Congrats! Making the decision to plunge in is so hard. It takes a lot of thinking and a lot of knowing yourself and then just a lot of faith that you can take it on and deal with it to get back into the IF-treatment game.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know that seeing kids or pregnant ladies in the RE's office is sometimes just damn heartbreaking when your mind is in a certain place. But keep in mind that the woman sitting across from you might be in the place where seeing that tangible evidence that sometimes you CAN succeed in all this is just what she needs. I love that you are trying to be respectful of the other patients in this situation and with that attitude, even if you have to go in with Bean at some point, I know that it's not too much to expect that they are respectful of your situation too.
Good luck!!
You are a kind and considerate soul. I am sorry you are going through this IF crap, no one should. Doing your best to minimize possible unwanted hurt to others says loads about your caring nature. But bear in mind that you can't possibly foresee everything, or please anyone. Doing your best is good enough though.
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed that your appointment and whatever follows meets your expectations.
And when in doubt, blog. :-))
I also always make sure to never bring my little boy to the RE office. There are some women who bring their child(ren) however and while it may cause some pain, they are often glowing testaments to overcoming infertility. We all know why you are there, after all :).
ReplyDeleteI hope this second journey is easier than the first. Good luck!!!