I've come to the conclusion that the itchy skin I was talking about in my last post was more nerves and fears then anything else. I have a tendency when I'm worried about something to find any reason possible to try to avoid it. And that's what I was doing, I was trying to find a reason to reschedule that doctors appointment. Because I'm scared of starting over and opening myself up to being hurt again. I'm scared about emotionally going back to the really bad place that I was a few years ago. I feel like I'm finally finding my footing again and finding myself, or rediscovering myself I suppose. The person I was before infertility doesn't exist anymore, but I'm figuring out who I am now and I'm more self confident then I have been in a long, long time. And I'm scared of losing all that.
But it doesn't matter. I'm not going to let the fear stop me this time. I can totally do this. It's going to be hard, it's going to take awhile to figure out how to fit all of the appointments and shots and all of that into our daily routine without upsetting Bean's life too much. But I'll do it. I can do it. And I'm so willing if it means another baby. Because the reality of the situation is that I have been incredibly blessed once and I feel so lucky. I have been living the last 15 months in this happy bubble that I'm afraid infertility is going to pop. I'm not going to let it though. Bean is the proof that all of the work and heartache is worth the payoff. I know we may not be as lucky this time, but I have to try. And I have the best possible way to stay grounded and focused on life at hand instead of getting caught up in the negativity of it all. Bean's going to get me through this and I'm going to remind myself every day that I am one lucky mama, no matter what happens this time around. And hopefully that will keep my head above water.
Thank you all for the support, you have no idea how nice it is to hear from people who really understand. I have so much respect for this community. That's why I'm scared of hurting people at the RE's office. So I'm going to do my best to leave Bean at home and take my infertile self there and not my mama self. But I know it's not always going to be possible to separate the two and I have faith that the other women in this community will be understanding of that. I know that the positive person that is posting today will get lost at times and struggle with what's to come. And so I'm thanking you in advance because so far I've had nothing but support from everyone, no matter where they are in their journey, and I only hope I can give a little bit of it back to all of you. So here we go. Time to start again.