I keep thinking about that appointment that I made with the RE. I was really excited the day that I made it and I just don't feel as excited anymore. I feel a lot of things, but I'm having a hard time putting it all into words. Mostly I just keep feeling like I'm rocking the boat I guess. Upsetting the status quo. When we were trying to have Bean it felt like everything was going wrong. We were just getting ready to start down the road toward IVF when we found out that our last IUI worked and we were pregnant. Every time I thought something bad was happening during the pregnancy, it resolved itself. After we got our BFP, we really were blessed. We got our happy ending and I have been reveling in every minute of it since. So I can't help but feel like I'm being a little greedy thinking that we can go back and do this all again with such a good outcome. I feel like a little kid who got away with having candy for dinner and now I'm going to ask for dessert. Shouldn't I just be thankful for what I walked away with without going back and trying again?
It's a hard place to be. I keep going back and forth in my mind. Bean is our miracle. She will always be our miracle no matter what. If we're lucky enough to have another baby, they'll be our miracle too. My desire to have more babies has nothing to do with Bean in a certain way and in other ways it has everything to do with Bean.
It's always been my dream to be a mama. To have a house full of babies. A boisterous, close knit family which is pretty much the opposite of what I had. I always imagined my yard full of kids toys, my garage filled with strollers and bikes, and little voices all over the house attached to sticky hands grasping at mine. I love that dream and a few years ago I went through a really rough time when I thought I had to let go of it. I still have those days, when I feel like the dream is just that, and reality is much different, and I know that may very well be the case. Bean may be the only baby, the only bike, the only little voice, and the only set of sticky hands. And that's okay! That's not to say that it won't hurt or make me sad if I have to give up that dream, I think any time you do there's some amount of mourning that you go through. But I know how incredibly lucky I am to have experienced pregnancy, to see what a baby that's a combination of hubby and myself is like, to be a mama at all. But I'm just not ready to give up on my dream, not yet, for me and for Bean.
Personally, I don't get along very well with my brother. We are very different people living very different lives and we butt heads all the time. I've always wanted a better sibling relationship for Bean. I hope she'll have a sibling that she can have fun with, tell secrets to, depend on, and be a role model for. I know she'll be okay as an only child, but I really just want to be sure that she has someone who is there for her once we aren't. I can't control the friends who come into and out of her life, or the partners, but I can try to create a family for her. And I also think that Bean would be an amazing big sister. I know she's still little, but I can see it in her. She already has a baby doll that she likes to carry around and love. She takes pup pup his toys all the time and helps give him his breakfast and dinner. I think she would be great and I'd love her to have the chance.
But it makes me feel greedy and like I'm asking for too much to think that any of that could really come true. I feel like, as crazy as it sounds, somehow I'm risking the good things I have by asking for more. Like you can't have too much good in your life, so if you try to take too much, then you'll have to have some bad to balance it. It may sound crazy, but that's what my brain is thinking. What am I wishing upon us by asking for more babies? Should I just be content with what I have and be thankful that we had a miracle happen for us once?
These are the moments when I wish that I was normal. Because somehow I can't imagine that fertile people out there think about anything like this when they're deciding to have more babies. There may be a lot of thought that goes into it (or not) but I just can't see it being thought like this. When something is easy for you to get, it doesn't seem greedy to take as much as you want. But then that moment is followed directly by another where Bean says "Mom-me!" with her little pony tail on the top of her head and her dancing eyes and I am so very thankful that I'm not normal. Because if I was, I know it would be different. I would be different. She would be different. This is the road that got us here, for better or for worse. And this is the one that's taking us forward. And somehow I have to take this baggage along and go forward without making myself crazy in the process. I'm still working on that part.