Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Feeling Greedy

I keep thinking about that appointment that I made with the RE.  I was really excited the day that I made it and I just don't feel as excited anymore.  I feel a lot of things, but I'm having a hard time putting it all into words.  Mostly I just keep feeling like I'm rocking the boat I guess.  Upsetting the status quo.  When we were trying to have Bean it felt like everything was going wrong.  We were just getting ready to start down the road toward IVF when we found out that our last IUI worked and we were pregnant.  Every time I thought something bad was happening during the pregnancy, it resolved itself.  After we got our BFP, we really were blessed.  We got our happy ending and I have been reveling in every minute of it since.  So I can't help but feel like I'm being a little greedy thinking that we can go back and do this all again with such a good outcome.  I feel like a little kid who got away with having candy for dinner and now I'm going to ask for dessert.  Shouldn't I just be thankful for what I walked away with without going back and trying again?

It's a hard place to be.  I keep going back and forth in my mind.  Bean is our miracle.  She will always be our miracle no matter what.  If we're lucky enough to have another baby, they'll be our miracle too.  My desire to have more babies has nothing to do with Bean in a certain way and in other ways it has everything to do with Bean.

It's always been my dream to be a mama.  To have a house full of babies.  A boisterous, close knit family which is pretty much the opposite of what I had.  I always imagined my yard full of kids toys, my garage filled with strollers and bikes, and little voices all over the house attached to sticky hands grasping at mine.  I love that dream and a few years ago I went through a really rough time when I thought I had to let go of it.  I still have those days, when I feel like the dream is just that, and reality is much different, and I know that may very well be the case.  Bean may be the only baby, the only bike, the only little voice, and the only set of sticky hands.  And that's okay!  That's not to say that it won't hurt or make me sad if I have to give up that dream, I think any time you do there's some amount of mourning that you go through.  But I know how incredibly lucky I am to have experienced pregnancy, to see what a baby that's a combination of hubby and myself is like, to be a mama at all.  But I'm just not ready to give up on my dream, not yet, for me and for Bean.

Personally, I don't get along very well with my brother.  We are very different people living very different lives and we butt heads all the time.  I've always wanted a better sibling relationship for Bean.  I hope she'll have a sibling that she can have fun with, tell secrets to, depend on, and be a role model for.  I  know she'll be okay as an only child, but I really just want to be sure that she has someone who is there for her once we aren't.  I can't control the friends who come into and out of her life, or the partners, but I can try to create a family for her.  And I also think that Bean would be an amazing big sister.  I know she's still little, but I can see it in her.  She already has a baby doll that she likes to carry around and love. She takes pup pup his toys all the time and helps give him his breakfast and dinner.  I think she would be great and I'd love her to have the chance.

But it makes me feel greedy and like I'm asking for too much to think that any of that could really come true.  I feel like, as crazy as it sounds, somehow I'm risking the good things I have by asking for more.  Like you can't have too much good in your life, so if you try to take too much, then you'll have to have some bad to balance it.  It may sound crazy, but that's what my brain is thinking.  What am I wishing upon us by asking for more babies?  Should I just be content with what I have and be thankful that we had a miracle happen for us once?

These are the moments when I wish that I was normal.  Because somehow I can't imagine that fertile people out there think about anything like this when they're deciding to have more babies.  There may be a lot of thought that goes into it (or not) but I just can't see it being thought like this.  When something is easy for you to get, it doesn't seem greedy to take as much as you want.  But then that moment is followed directly by another where Bean says "Mom-me!" with her little pony tail on the top of her head and her dancing eyes and I am so very thankful that I'm not normal.  Because if I was, I know it would be different.  I would be different.  She would be different.  This is the road that got us here, for better or for worse.  And this is the one that's taking us forward.  And somehow I have to take this baggage along and go forward without making myself crazy in the process.  I'm still working on that part.


  1. I totally understand the feelings of wonder when it comes to dealing with having a second child after infertility. :) All I can say is embrace the journey one day at time. :)

  2. You weren't kidding when you said you were experiencing some of the same things I posted about...I could've written this post!

    Good luck with your RE appointment. It took me a good long while to make that appointment. Looking forward to following along to see how TTC #2 goes. Thanks for stopping by!

    Happy ICLW!

  3. Found you on ICLW. I love this post. It's a perfect example of how infertility doesn't go away once you become pregnant and have a baby. Even if you're lucky and things go smoothly the second time around, the fact that you can even have thought processes like what you described just shows how far the tendrils of IF reach.

    It's also the perfect example of how ultimately IF is a complete lack of choice. Maybe not everyone wants a houseful of kids...but I would imagine most fertiles assume that they could if they wanted to. I can't really imagine at this point feeling that way...that a big, loving family...a whole household of children, could be mine whenever I wanted. All I had to do was just wait 9 months, pop out another, and boom--insta-family. I mean really, imagine what that must feel like?

    All that is really to say that though I have yet to be in your situation (I'm still TTC a first), I think you're feelings are totally understandable, and I definitely feel you. Good luck with #2!


  4. I have to say, as someone yet to have kids, I've had a hard time understanding people with secondary infertility. Until this post. K is right, it really doesn't go away. "Normal" people can say things like, "Oh, I'm going to space them 3 years apart" and things like that. But infertility makes it a different ball game. Thank you for helping me to understand...truly. Because it's not like infertility is a competition. Having one kid doesn't make you less infertile, in the sense that you are still going through the struggle. (I'm going through this as my SIL is trying to get pregnant with her 2nd and I sometimes have a hard time being sympathetic.)

    Happy ICLW!

  5. Hello from ICLW! I have been fighting infertility for over 4 years with my husband and I actively trying to conceive. The hardest part is that when we weren't even trying, that was when we got the furthest. We lost twins at 18 and a half weeks, and it devastated us both. Now that we are trying, we have made it to 13 and a half weeks, and that was it. All of our losses have been between 6 and 10 weeks except for the one and 13 and a half. It is hard, and when you dont have insurance or the money to try anything else, it makes me wonder if I am just being selfish for wanting something that I can't have at this point, and may never be able to. You are a strong woman, and I love that about this posts of yours and a couple other I have read. You are amazing!

    ICLW #114

  6. Hello.. visiting from ICLW. Wishing you luck with your appointment and wishing you all the luck with No. 2!


  7. Is it insane that I have already started thinking about that and I haven't even gotten preggo once yet?

  8. I have been feeling the exact same way. I think you put it very well, and ill bet its so true for those of us who struggled with both primary and secondary infertility. Remember that any choice you make will be the right one, and any additional miracles will not be counterbalanced by bad things. Big hugs to you.