Monday, July 25, 2011
Lost my mojo
In the last couple days I've definitely lost my mojo a bit. I can't totally put into words what I'm feeling right now and I'm not sure that I should until it's totally flushed out. I appreciate so much the input that everyone gave me on my last post and I'm going to move forward in all directions that were suggested, I think they're great ideas. All the sudden I guess I'm starting to think more and more about our big return appointment at the RE coming up and it's weighing on me. Not only for all the reasons that I've said before, but because I'm starting to feel a little like I don't really belong there anymore. It used to be a place where I felt understood and like the other patients at that office knew my life in a way that nobody else did, even if they had no idea who I was. Now I'm starting to feel like I have to go in and hide who I am, what I've been doing the last few years, and why I'm there. I'm not just there for a baby, I'm there for a sibling for Bean. I'm not just infertile, I'm a mama and those two parts of me are warring right now. I feel itchy in my skin and like I'm not quite sure where I belong. And while I wanted hubby to go with me to that appointment very badly, that would mean we'd have to take Bean with us, and I'm not sure I can do that anymore. I just feel unsettled, unsure, and out of control again. Welcome back to the land of infertility I guess. I thought I never left but I guess I was a little farther removed then I'd realized. Hopefully I can figure out a way to sort all this out before the big day. I don't have too much hope on that one right now though. We'll see.
Posted by Ordinary Girl at 9:48 PM