Thursday, April 14, 2011

Trying to break out of my invisible shell

I've spent a long time trying to be invisible.  When I was a kid, I was pretty chubby and got teased a lot.  So I learned quickly that the more you can blend in and not call attention to yourself, the better.  I got to be really good at being invisible and by the time I hit high school, I think most people forgot I existed.  Until I lost the weight and all the sudden it was like they started seeing me for the first time.  I wasn't ready for that and to be honest, it just made me angry, so I worked at staying invisible if I could.

Once I left high school and went on to college I had a lot more self confidence and stopped trying to blend in so much.  It wasn't until infertility hit that I once again started to fade.  I lost a lot of myself through that process and I was happy to disappear.  I felt like that kid in school again.  Totally out of control of my own body and like if I was really careful not to be seen by anyone, maybe the problem would disappear.  I read a lot of infertility blogs then and followed other people's stories. Sometimes I wanted to comment or share what I was going through, but I wasn't ready.  I just didn't feel confident enough to put myself out there.  But I'm getting my confidence back again.  I'm figuring myself out.

This blog was a big step for me and I'm really glad that I started writing and putting myself out there.  I know that by leaving it open for anyone to read, I'm really being as far from invisible as I can be.  I guess I wasn't really prepared though.  I wrote with ease and when I sat down at the computer, I didn't think too hard while I was writing.  I wrote for myself and tried to keep other people's feelings in mind, but be honest about my own.  I've been having trouble writing for the last week or so though.  Ever since Mel from Stirrup Queens included me in her blog round up.  I was really honored and touched by all the people who read my post and all of the comments that they left.  I guess I just wasn't prepared for that many people to be visiting my little blog.  It's taken me a little while to wrap my head around it.

It pushed me outside of my comfort zone, but I am so thankful that it did.  It made me really think about what the purpose of this blog is and made me ask myself, should I write any differently for myself and a few people then for a whole bunch of people?  Of course not.  I'm writing these things because they are real for me, because I need to share them with people who hopefully understand, and because I'm tired of being invisible.  I spent too much of my life lurking in the shadows and as new of a feeling as it may be, I'm ready to put myself out there and hopefully I can help someone in the process.  I'm ready for infertility to stop being something that nobody talks about and the only way that's going to happen is if we start talking about it.  So I'm done worrying so much about what other people think about my journey or my thoughts.  This is me, I have one chance in this world to make it different, and I'm not going to do that if nobody even knows I exist.


  1. I can really relate-- on many levels. I've been ridiculously shy most of my life and have to put a vast amount of emotional effort into reaching out and making friends/meeting people.

    I'm glad you are putting yourself out there and writing. I, for one, appreciate it. I've felt very alone on my journey and finding the blogging community is like hitting pay dirt. Even though we all have similar situations, they are never identical, and it only adds to the community when you throw in your unique perspective.

  2. Well, all hungry caterpillars turns eventually into butterflies, don't they? ;-) It is time to spread your wings. We are listening. Or better said, reading. ;-)