Last night was rough. Bean woke up around 12:40 or so. Hubby tried to get her back to sleep but she was really upset and wanted her mama. I went in and started rocking her but she just couldn't settle down. She stopped crying and went back to sleep but she was really restless. Usually she nestles into my arms and it isn't long before her breathing is heavy and she's fast asleep. Last night she was all over the place. I tried for awhile, tried putting her back to bed in case she was just tired of being held, and passed her back to hubby but none of it worked. Since she cried every time I gave her back to hubby, I sent him back to bed. I figured one of us should be sleeping. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon.
I tried every trick in the book that I could think of to help Bean sleep easier. None of them worked. Every time one of them would fail, I would feel more helpless. Here's this little person, who I know better then anyone else does, but I can't figure out how what's going on with her. Is she not feeling well? Is she scared? Did she learn something new and can't stop thinking about it? Is she mooing like a cow in her dreams like she has been all day when she's awake? Is her diaper too tight? Is her sleeper too small? Is the angle of her head ten degrees too high? I racked my brain and started to feel more and more helpless and alone. It was dark and quiet. It felt like the whole world was sleeping except for me and little Bean. It isn't the only night we've spent like this.
Finally I gave up trying to figure out why she wasn't sleeping and went to the only thing that almost always does the trick. I nursed her. I hated to do it because I'm planning on starting to ween her soon and I want to try other ways to comfort her first. Exhaustion finally set in though and I gave up. I changed her diaper, checked her all out to make sure nothing was hurting her, and snuggled in the rocker to feed her. After she ate she settled right down and went to sleep. I finally crawled back into bed sometime after 2.
All in all, it's not a horrible experience of course. I tried to let go of my frustration about all of this when she was real little and I came to the realization one night that this period of her life is a very short one. It won't be long before rocking her like that will just be a memory and my little baby will be growing up. I enjoy our time snuggling together. What I have a hard time with is feeling helpless. I have this little person who is changing and growing in so many ways but she still can't communicate simple things with me like that she's hungry, or cold, or that she needs to burp and just can't seem to do it on her own. Somehow, the nighttime makes that helplessness feel magnified and I feel totally alone in the world. Totally alone with this problem I can't solve. I figured it out last night, but what happens when I'm not nursing her anymore? What happens when I don't have that in my back pocket and she still can't just tell me what's wrong? I have a feeling that this is just the first of many problems in her life that I won't be able to solve for her and I'm going to have to deal with that. Hopefully they won't all happen between the hours of midnight and 5 am.