Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I have a confession

There are days, like today, where I feel like if I take this amazing baby that I have for granted, knowingly or not, that something is going to happen to take her away.  I know it sounds crazy, but it took so long for us to finally have Bean that some days it just feels too good to be true.  It feels like the other shoe could drop at any second.  I fell into that today.

I tried to put Bean down for her morning nap and it just wasn't happening.  She was obviously tired, her eyes kept closing and then they'd pop back open.  She even fell asleep and I set her down in her crib, and she immediately sat back up.  I was frustrated.  Not frustrated at her, it's not her fault that she can't sleep.  I was frustrated for her because she was obviously tired.  I was frustrated that her sleep for the rest of the day would be affected, because for Bean, the more tired she is the harder it is for her to sleep well.  And I was frustrated at all the things I had foolishly planned to get accomplished while she was sleeping.  I should know better then that by now.

So I gave up on the nap, brought her downstairs, and tried to have something to eat and check my email for two minutes while she was playing.  Bean wanted to share whatever I was eating, so while I was checking my email at the desk, she would go play, then come over and get a bite of banana, then go back to playing.  I have no idea what happened.  I saw it happen, but I have no idea why exactly.  She was squatting down like she does a lot and must have lost her footing.  She didn't just fall forward, she pushed herself forward, like she was trying to get her feet back under her.  Unfortunately, there was a big wooden piece of furniture right there and she hit it head first.  The sound made me sick to my stomach.  She's had lot of head bonks since she started crawling and walking, and usually I can just be rational, watch her for awhile and she's fine, but I've never heard one like this.

She started screaming and I scooped her up to calm her down.  Once she was calm and I got a good look at the giant bump forming on her forehead, I called the pediatrician and headed out the door.  I know that I could have waited and watched her, but this one scared me.  I'm not at their office all the time, as a matter a fact we've never been except for our well visits, so I didn't feel bad about going in even if we didn't end up needing to this time.  The whole drive there I couldn't help thinking that I had somehow created this situation.  I was frustrated, I was checking my email, I was sharing my banana.  I wasn't being as careful of a mama as I should have been.  Logic was lost at this point.

So we went to the doctor, I snuggled my Bean a little extra the whole time we were there, and she's fine.  When we finally got home I broke down.  I sat there crying because I was relieved, because I was angry that I have these crazy thoughts and feelings because of the journey that brought us our Bean, because I don't want to take anything for granted, but I want to be able to be human.  I don't want to feel like any second the rugs going to be ripped out from underneath me.  I know logically all the reasons that this is crazy, but that's what infertility did to me.  It gave me hope over and over again, just to take it away.  I just can't always shake the fear, even though Bean's here now.  So I held her a little closer today, tried to go easy on myself, and be thankful for everything that I have.  I don't know though, I've got to figure out a way to stop feeling this way, I just haven't figured out how yet.  Hopefully it will come in time.


  1. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, before we were infertiles, my little dude had accidents like this where I went back and re-played things and felt like I was a terrible mama and that everything was my fault. But, here's the thing: kids fall, they bump their heads, they touch the stove when asked not to, they hurt themselves. It's part of the growing up process. Have you ever watched kindergarten children on the yard? It's like Wipeoout. They are much more resilient than we give them credit for. So, chalk this one up to experience, welcome to the mama club and know it's going to happen again and don't beat yourself up. Sheesh. You're only one person!

  2. I've been there -- and still am sometimes and she's 11! I have to remember what Marianne says above...kids are very resilient and any worrying is just going to drive everyone crazy...I only know this because the kid has said as much to me. :) Hang in there!

  3. It's so easy to blame yourself when an accident happens. And it's so much worse when you carry around infertility grief. But Marianne is right, kids do these things and you can't be the mama that you want to be all the time.


  4. Thanks for all the words of encouragement though, I appreciate it! I hear all of you. I know it's true. Logic tells me so. Sometimes I just can't get on board with logic. It always seems like these kinds of things happen when I'm doing something I normally don't do, like check my email when Bean is awake. I think the biggest problem is just this feeling that things are too good to be true. It makes me worry and I'm really good at worrying. I need to work on that. I am working on that. It's just a slow process!