Today is my sister-in-laws due date. It's their first baby and at first I had some issues with this pregnancy. It was the first major pregnancy announcement that came after we had Bean. I really thought that after we had her, I would stop feeling pained when I heard about other people getting pregnant. I thought somehow I would be magically cured. So when I heard about this, I was a little surprised at how angry I felt at first.
I was angry because the entire time that hubby and I were trying to have a baby, my in-laws were nagging hubby's brother and sister-in-law to start their family. It became a big bone of contention as they would tell his parents over and over again that they were focused on their careers and that they weren't ready to have kids. Now, hubby and I could care less about this. We feel like it's just as much someone's right not to have babies as it is their right to have babies. For years we were an outlet for his brother and tried to talk to his parents to convince them to cut them some slack.
So I was in shock when I found out that they were pregnant. They had been to visit us just a few months before to meet Bean and they hadn't given any indication that they were thinking of growing their family. Hubby's brother told him later that after they had met Bean, they decided they wanted to have a baby of their own. It took them about two months to get pregnant and he told us that they were actually feeling stress that it happened so fast. For me, this was all a little hard to take.
It wasn't hard because they decided to have a baby after meeting Bean. That was kind of nice actually. That they had thought so much of our little one, that they decided they were ready. At least that's what I like to think. My brother-in-law has a bit of a competitive streak but I'd like to think that's not the motivation. It didn't even bother me that they were being completely honest with us and saying that they were nervous because it happened so fast. What really was hard for me to take was that there wasn't any indication that they were trying to have any kind of understanding for what we had gone through. That bothered me, but it wasn't what made me angry.
The problem in all this came that my anger had no one to land on. I wasn't angry at them. A little frustrated that they weren't a little more compassionate. I would hope that I would be more thoughtful in their shoes. I wasn't upset that they were pregnant. I was just mad at a world where hubby and I wanted a baby SO badly and had to go through such heartache to achieve it, and yet someone who had been indifferent could change their mind like they changed their order in a restaurant (yes, I know that more probably went into it then that, but this is how my mind was working) and boom, they were pregnant. It just didn't seem fair.
This was actually one of the first times that I realized I was as wounded as I was from what we went through. I had been so busy with Bean and just so thrilled that she had finally arrived and was healthy and thriving, that I hadn't thought as much about the path she took to find us. The moment that I found out about her cousin-to-be was an eye opener for me. It cemented for me that I am forever changed.
9 months later, I'm excited to hear when their little one arrives. I've been thinking back to our last days before Bean was born and remembering all the things I was feeling. I am happy for them. I can see that now. I'm excited for Bean to have a cousin so close in age to her. I'm not sure I'm any closer to being recovered from our past or any less concerned for our future. But I'm working on it and at the end of the day, a new baby coming into the world is a beautiful thing, even if it may seem like a bit of a slap in the face sometimes.