This whole thing has happened so fast and we've been so busy with Bean's birthday (Happy Second Birthday Bean!!!! I can't believe my baby is officially 2 now), that it all seems a little surreal. I have these moments to stop and think about it before life keeps rolling along, and then I just have to put it out of my mind. Those moments are pretty crazy though. Like when I was having my ultrasound yesterday and the tech was telling the nurse practitioner each follicle and how big it was. She just kept going and going. I started to panic inside my head and imagine myself as the next octo.mom. Then I reminded myself that my doctor didn't want to be the doctor who created the next octo.mom any more then I wanted to be her. That's what these moments always look like, me starting to freak out and having just enough time to talk myself down before life keeps going.
The phrase that keeps going through my head is those moments is related to Bean. I keep thinking that I don't want to ruin her life. And I know how that sounds. I don't actually think another baby is going to ruin her life (if that's even in the cards for us). It's the uncertainty that comes with it. What if we did end up having multiples? What if we had another baby and it had serious health problems? What if something happened to me in the process of trying to have another baby? What if, what if. I know that no matter what happens the new baby(babies) would be fine. I have so much love to give, I know they would be fine. And I like to hope that Bean will be fine too. The amount of love that I have for her will remain unchanged, but her life, her life would be very different. And I just want to make sure that she'll be okay through any transition that comes. I just don't want to mess up.
I have no idea what lies ahead. Except two IUI's in the not so distant future followed by the ever loved two week wait. I have no idea if it's going to work or what's to come. And I have to admit, that it freaks me out.