Wednesday, February 15, 2012


I forgot how exhausting it is to worry so much.  To be uncertain of what's ahead.  I have worried since Bean was born, but not as much in this way and not along with the feeling that I have no control over the situation.  I've reverted back to things I used to do three years ago when we were still trying to get pregnant.  I've lost motivation to do things I want to do.  I don't really have a huge desire to talk to the people in my life that I care about and that care about me.  It worries me a little bit because I thought I would be able to handle all this differently this time.  And if this just related to my ability to have more babies, I still feel like I would be able to.  I'm worried about more then that though.  About my health in general, although my doctor has given me no reason to.  I have worn myself out with worry and all I want to do is sleep.  I am so very thankful that this test is happening tomorrow and that I will hopefully have some answers.  I can deal with situations much better once I know what I'm tackling.  This not knowing part is what I have trouble with.  So I'm hoping that tomorrow will go smoothly.  I'm not too worried about the actual test, although maybe I should be more.  I kind of figure it can't be worse then the dye test that I had years ago.  I just want it to be over, and to know what's ahead.  Oh, and to snuggle Bean and just be a mama again.  I also, want to stop bleeding.  That would be nice too.  Thank you all for your support and well wishes.  Here's hoping I'm just being a worrier once again.

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