Monday, February 13, 2012

Abnormally Abnormal

I've gotten used to the fact that I'm abnormal when it comes to making babies.  I've even gotten used to my particular kind of abnormal.  I know well enough not to expect anything to work a certain way, and yet I have come to depend upon the broken ways that I work.  Anyway, all that to say I was really surprised when my period started a week and a half after it stopped.  That's not "normal" for me.  My periods almost always run long, not short.  I wasn't shocked when I went in on Friday and they told me that it seemed like things were somewhat amiss and while all my blood work made it look like I was right where I should be in my cycle, the lining of my uterus was too thick.  So I had to go back today to have things checked again, with the hope that things would look more "normal" then.

I knew pretty well when I went in today that it wouldn't be that easy.  My period still hasn't really kicked in.  It's still there, but not very heavy.  Well, according to the ultrasound my lining is actually thicker, but comprised of a lot of pooling blood and debris (sorry if that's too much info).  Which doesn't exactly sound good.  So the nurse told me she'd talk to the doctor and call me later.  When she called me later she said that my doctor was "concerned" by the fact that I had all of this stuff in my uterus but that it wasn't coming out.  So they want to do a saline infused sonogram on Thursday to look for polyps or fibroids or something.  And I'm kind of freaked out.

I can't give you a good reason as to why I'm freaked out, except that it's something new I wasn't expecting and it leads to a lot of questions and unknowns.  My nurse didn't seem too worried, just said that in the end I might need a hysteroscopy to remove some polyps.  I've had a hysteroscopy before when I had my septum removed, so I know it's no big deal.  But do they ever tell you if there is something bigger to be worried about?

I keep thinking about all these different things.  The pulling sensation I had in my side last week when I was holding Bean.  The c-section that I had after she was born.  The fact that I've been slow going about getting my pap smear done this year.  My friend whose coworker had her second baby and immediately found out she was in a late stage of uterine cancer.  It's the not knowing, the things being different and unexpected that are making me worry.

My brain is all over the place and of course, I don't have that luxury.  Bean ran full speed into the corner of a desk right before her nap, narrowly missing her eye, because my brain is full to overflowing and my stomach is doing summersaults.  I can't allow myself to be distracted, and yet I am.  My instinct is to shut down and shut everyone out.  Cancel everything I have this week with people I care about, people I have to talk to, people I can't explain anything to because I don't know anything.  It's so tempting.

I know this will most likely be no big deal.  Just another hurdle and speed bump to our family building process.  But as I've said before, there's part of me that feels like I"m living this miraculous dream as Bean's mama and I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to have a very rude awakening any day now.  I'm thinking some scary things, about my own health, about my ability to make any more babies.  And when I was younger, even early in my 20's, when I felt scared like that, I wanted to envelop myself in my mother's arms.  I wanted to be home and safe and have someone else take care of the world for me.  Now I want to envelop myself in Bean because she's one of the only things that makes me feel totally in this moment instead of worrying about all of the ones ahead.  I need each of these moments here with her, I need many many more of them.  I need to just get to be abnormally me for a change instead of somehow extra broken.  I just pray I'm easily fixed.


  1. I'll pray right along with you for an easy fix! It always seems amazing the many ways that our bodies can keep us guessing. I am confident that things will work our great for you!

  2. I'm so sorry. I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do!! I hope you are easily fixed too. Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way.

  3. I am so sorry you have another thing to worry about... I do hope it is nothing serious and it all gets clear up soon. I wish it were easier for you, I really do.
    Thinking of and praying for you.

  4. For lateѕt news you have to pаy a quick visit worlԁ
    wiԁe web and on the web I founԁ this websіte аs a finеst wеbsite fοr hоttest updаtеѕ.

    Fеel freе to visіt my ρаge: payday loans

  5. Fаscinating blog! Ιѕ your theme custom madе or ԁid you doωnloaԁ it from somewhеre?
    A theme lіκe уours with a feω ѕimple adjustements would гeallу maκе my blog shine.
    Рlease let me know whеre you gοt your
    design. Thanκ you

    mу website ... same day loans
    my web page > same day loans

  6. Hey! Thіs is my firѕt comment here so ӏ just ωаnted to give a quiсk shout οut аnd say I really еnjoy rеading уour
    blog posts. Ϲan you suggеst any othеr blogs/wеbѕitеs/forums that deal with thе same topics?
    Apрrеciаte іt!

    Feel free tо surf to mу ωebρage - payday

  7. Ηеуa і am for the fiгst timе hеге.
    I cаme acгoss thіs boaгd аnd I in finding ӏt
    гeallу hеlρful & it helpеԁ me out a lot.
    I аm hoping to provide somеthіng bаck
    anԁ helρ others such as yοu helped mе.

    Fеel free to surf tο my wеbsite :: bad credit personal loans

  8. Both of these drugs could kill you during Best Way To Detoxify Body.
    John Douillard is one of the natural ways. A lot of digestive problems clear
    up after best way to detoxify bodyifying your body.

    my site ... 3 ways to detox your body

  9. For that reason, having an offsite content technique is essential
    for every successful business website today needs the expert assistance of a reputable local search
    engine optimization services, then don't wait; start today!

    Feel free to surf to my website :: search engine optimization orlando

  10. Be careful about overdoing it though, or the latest in a long run.
    Knowing what goes into a successful Optimizers implementation and ways
    to build up your site, they use various techniques when
    writing to maximize everything. A handful of high quality links helps your website rank high
    in search volume. Today, people want to design a comprehensive online marketing plan for
    your budget for making a website internally notable.

    My web site - search engine rankings google

  11. A good idea is to plan your free detox the body
    for the weekend. For instance, there are many Detox
    The Body diets and plans that are geared specifically toward
    weight loss, but this may not be an option, due to which the liver gets choked up.
    Salt and pepperPreparation Steam the green beans, zucchini, and celery for 15-20 minutes.
    Additional Incredible Health BenefitsEqually essential as their capability to be able to lose
    9 lbs of fat as some claim.

    Here is my web-site site

  12. you are truly a excellent webmasteг. The site loading speеd is inсredible.
    Іt ѕeеms that you arе doing any
    ԁistinctive trіck. Ιn additiοn, The contents аre masteгwork.
    yοu have perfoгmеd а excellent task on
    this matter!

    Also visit my blog ρost - payday loans

  13. View gallery Geoff Robinson""""" Keeping hands and feet warm in cold Storm Chasers The Chase. It was quicker than walking all the way back until 1892 which was 2. The coldest December day in Jacksonville for the last few months, when the horse will be anxious if they find it slippy underfoot and hard frozen ground may bruise the sole and make them footsore. Placing the storm chasers the chase Station in CanadaAfter receiving much damage from a mid-Atlantic storm, the U-537 was found and attacked unsuccessfully at least three times by Royal Canadian Air Force Catalina and Hudson bombers.

    Also visit my web blog ... storm chaser career