I've gotten used to the fact that I'm abnormal when it comes to making babies. I've even gotten used to my particular kind of abnormal. I know well enough not to expect anything to work a certain way, and yet I have come to depend upon the broken ways that I work. Anyway, all that to say I was really surprised when my period started a week and a half after it stopped. That's not "normal" for me. My periods almost always run long, not short. I wasn't shocked when I went in on Friday and they told me that it seemed like things were somewhat amiss and while all my blood work made it look like I was right where I should be in my cycle, the lining of my uterus was too thick. So I had to go back today to have things checked again, with the hope that things would look more "normal" then.
I knew pretty well when I went in today that it wouldn't be that easy. My period still hasn't really kicked in. It's still there, but not very heavy. Well, according to the ultrasound my lining is actually thicker, but comprised of a lot of pooling blood and debris (sorry if that's too much info). Which doesn't exactly sound good. So the nurse told me she'd talk to the doctor and call me later. When she called me later she said that my doctor was "concerned" by the fact that I had all of this stuff in my uterus but that it wasn't coming out. So they want to do a saline infused sonogram on Thursday to look for polyps or fibroids or something. And I'm kind of freaked out.
I can't give you a good reason as to why I'm freaked out, except that it's something new I wasn't expecting and it leads to a lot of questions and unknowns. My nurse didn't seem too worried, just said that in the end I might need a hysteroscopy to remove some polyps. I've had a hysteroscopy before when I had my septum removed, so I know it's no big deal. But do they ever tell you if there is something bigger to be worried about?
I keep thinking about all these different things. The pulling sensation I had in my side last week when I was holding Bean. The c-section that I had after she was born. The fact that I've been slow going about getting my pap smear done this year. My friend whose coworker had her second baby and immediately found out she was in a late stage of uterine cancer. It's the not knowing, the things being different and unexpected that are making me worry.
My brain is all over the place and of course, I don't have that luxury. Bean ran full speed into the corner of a desk right before her nap, narrowly missing her eye, because my brain is full to overflowing and my stomach is doing summersaults. I can't allow myself to be distracted, and yet I am. My instinct is to shut down and shut everyone out. Cancel everything I have this week with people I care about, people I have to talk to, people I can't explain anything to because I don't know anything. It's so tempting.
I know this will most likely be no big deal. Just another hurdle and speed bump to our family building process. But as I've said before, there's part of me that feels like I"m living this miraculous dream as Bean's mama and I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to have a very rude awakening any day now. I'm thinking some scary things, about my own health, about my ability to make any more babies. And when I was younger, even early in my 20's, when I felt scared like that, I wanted to envelop myself in my mother's arms. I wanted to be home and safe and have someone else take care of the world for me. Now I want to envelop myself in Bean because she's one of the only things that makes me feel totally in this moment instead of worrying about all of the ones ahead. I need each of these moments here with her, I need many many more of them. I need to just get to be abnormally me for a change instead of somehow extra broken. I just pray I'm easily fixed.