Bumps in the road

Things seem like they've gone off track a bit.  Nothing quite seems to be going right.  I'm worn out by aspects of life that I keep starting posts about and never get a chance to finish.  All of this is making it hard to do the things well that I want to.  Like being Bean's mama.  Our sleep problems returned full force.  The week of her going to sleep by herself was blissful and felt like a hard won victory.  Then it just stopped and is worse then it was before.  I feel like everything I do about it is wrong.  I'm struggling in the one area that I usually feel like I'm doing pretty well.  I may not know how to be the daughter of aging parents, or how to tackle trying to conceive at the RE's with a toddler, or even how to find time for my husband when I have the demands of so many others laying in front of me, but the one thing I always felt like I was doing a good job of was being Bean's mama.  And now I don't feel like I'm doing that well either.  I'm not sure what I need.  A night off maybe, or just a week without something bad seeming to happen.  I don't know.  I'm down obviously and I know that in the grand scheme of things, life is good, and I'm thankful.  I'm just struggling and instead of sitting here in silence because I don't have time to explain myself, I wanted to at least let you all know an idea of what's going on.  And hopefully things will quiet down a bit and I can write more in detail, because I really need it.

All done...for now.

Well, the whole thing today wasn't so bad.  The sonogram itself wasn't that bad, except for having people up in my business for longer then they normally would be on a monitoring day.  Hubby is currently making Bean lunch and I'm hanging out on the couch with a little cramping, but really not bad at all.  I won't get the official word on everything until my doctor returns to the office next week and looks at the pictures, but the nurse practitioner told me what she thought.  She was actually really great.  She wasn't there the last time I did all this.  She showed me all the pictures though and explained what we were looking at and what it meant.  Essentially she thinks I have a polyp that's kind of low down in my uterus and is gumming up the works.  My period isn't normal because the polyp is kind of blocking the exit.  So she thinks that the doctor will want to do a hysteroscopy to go in and take it out.  I asked if it could be something else or if I should worry for my own health.  She seemed confident that it was most likely a polyp which she said are usually benign.  The surgery is scheduled tentatively for the middle of next month.  I feel like they wouldn't wait that long if they had seen something really concerning, so I'm convincing myself that all this is no big deal, just another road block to once again delay the start of our journey towards (hopefully) another baby.  I've had a hsyteroscopy before and know what to expect so I'm not too worried about that.  And I feel incredibly lucky to have people to help out if I need it.  So I'm trying to put my fears to rest for now.  I'll feel better when this is all over, but being a worried mess until the middle of March isn't going to fix anything, so I'm going to do my best to go on as normal.  And I'm going to enjoy the next few minutes of being able to lay on the couch in the middle of the day while I can.  That is something that certainly doesn't happen very often.  Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and well wishes.  I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Exhausted

I forgot how exhausting it is to worry so much.  To be uncertain of what's ahead.  I have worried since Bean was born, but not as much in this way and not along with the feeling that I have no control over the situation.  I've reverted back to things I used to do three years ago when we were still trying to get pregnant.  I've lost motivation to do things I want to do.  I don't really have a huge desire to talk to the people in my life that I care about and that care about me.  It worries me a little bit because I thought I would be able to handle all this differently this time.  And if this just related to my ability to have more babies, I still feel like I would be able to.  I'm worried about more then that though.  About my health in general, although my doctor has given me no reason to.  I have worn myself out with worry and all I want to do is sleep.  I am so very thankful that this test is happening tomorrow and that I will hopefully have some answers.  I can deal with situations much better once I know what I'm tackling.  This not knowing part is what I have trouble with.  So I'm hoping that tomorrow will go smoothly.  I'm not too worried about the actual test, although maybe I should be more.  I kind of figure it can't be worse then the dye test that I had years ago.  I just want it to be over, and to know what's ahead.  Oh, and to snuggle Bean and just be a mama again.  I also, want to stop bleeding.  That would be nice too.  Thank you all for your support and well wishes.  Here's hoping I'm just being a worrier once again.

Abnormally Abnormal

I've gotten used to the fact that I'm abnormal when it comes to making babies.  I've even gotten used to my particular kind of abnormal.  I know well enough not to expect anything to work a certain way, and yet I have come to depend upon the broken ways that I work.  Anyway, all that to say I was really surprised when my period started a week and a half after it stopped.  That's not "normal" for me.  My periods almost always run long, not short.  I wasn't shocked when I went in on Friday and they told me that it seemed like things were somewhat amiss and while all my blood work made it look like I was right where I should be in my cycle, the lining of my uterus was too thick.  So I had to go back today to have things checked again, with the hope that things would look more "normal" then.

I knew pretty well when I went in today that it wouldn't be that easy.  My period still hasn't really kicked in.  It's still there, but not very heavy.  Well, according to the ultrasound my lining is actually thicker, but comprised of a lot of pooling blood and debris (sorry if that's too much info).  Which doesn't exactly sound good.  So the nurse told me she'd talk to the doctor and call me later.  When she called me later she said that my doctor was "concerned" by the fact that I had all of this stuff in my uterus but that it wasn't coming out.  So they want to do a saline infused sonogram on Thursday to look for polyps or fibroids or something.  And I'm kind of freaked out.

I can't give you a good reason as to why I'm freaked out, except that it's something new I wasn't expecting and it leads to a lot of questions and unknowns.  My nurse didn't seem too worried, just said that in the end I might need a hysteroscopy to remove some polyps.  I've had a hysteroscopy before when I had my septum removed, so I know it's no big deal.  But do they ever tell you if there is something bigger to be worried about?

I keep thinking about all these different things.  The pulling sensation I had in my side last week when I was holding Bean.  The c-section that I had after she was born.  The fact that I've been slow going about getting my pap smear done this year.  My friend whose coworker had her second baby and immediately found out she was in a late stage of uterine cancer.  It's the not knowing, the things being different and unexpected that are making me worry.

My brain is all over the place and of course, I don't have that luxury.  Bean ran full speed into the corner of a desk right before her nap, narrowly missing her eye, because my brain is full to overflowing and my stomach is doing summersaults.  I can't allow myself to be distracted, and yet I am.  My instinct is to shut down and shut everyone out.  Cancel everything I have this week with people I care about, people I have to talk to, people I can't explain anything to because I don't know anything.  It's so tempting.

I know this will most likely be no big deal.  Just another hurdle and speed bump to our family building process.  But as I've said before, there's part of me that feels like I"m living this miraculous dream as Bean's mama and I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to have a very rude awakening any day now.  I'm thinking some scary things, about my own health, about my ability to make any more babies.  And when I was younger, even early in my 20's, when I felt scared like that, I wanted to envelop myself in my mother's arms.  I wanted to be home and safe and have someone else take care of the world for me.  Now I want to envelop myself in Bean because she's one of the only things that makes me feel totally in this moment instead of worrying about all of the ones ahead.  I need each of these moments here with her, I need many many more of them.  I need to just get to be abnormally me for a change instead of somehow extra broken.  I just pray I'm easily fixed.

Here we go...

Tomorrow morning I'm going in for my first real trip back to the RE.  Blood work and ultrasound to see if things are a go.  I'm not prepared at all.  My period ended a week and a half ago and then seemingly started up again this week.  Bean was sick at the time so I decided to wait for my next period to get started.  I thought I had more time to prepare myself.  I had this list of things to do in my head.  Drink lots of coffee, not decaf.  Have several more glasses of wine.  Lose the ten pounds I somehow gained overnight when I stopped breastfeeding.  Watch the video that teaches me how to mix those freaking injections.  Oh yeah, and mentally prepare myself for the roller coaster again.  Have I mentioned I hate roller coasters?  I'm not there.  I'm not ready in all of those departments.  But somehow, by some miracle after 21 months, Bean started going to sleep, on her own, in her crib without a tear this week.  I have A LOT more to say about that, but it's been the one thing that has held hubby and I back from feeling like we were 100% ready to try for another baby (if we are lucky enough to be granted two miracles).  It feels like the universe is trying to tell me the timing is right, even if my list doesn't agree.  So I'm going to try to go with it.  Calm the nerves that are coming and going in waves and remind myself that I survived all this once and it was worth every gut wrenching second.  I think the only fear left is that it will be just as miserable without the magnificent result this time.  So yeah, it looks like I'm most likely officially back on the trying to conceive wagon and have no doubt that it's going to be a bumpy ride.

I have a problem

A commenting problem.  I often type comments on blogs. Thoughtful ones.  I take my time.  And then I never submit them. Mostly I just stop myself because I wonder if the person whose blog I'm commenting on will care to hear what I have to say.  If what I have to say matters.  Usually I decide to just forget about it.  But then I read a blog post about commenting and I started thinking about it more.  I started thinking about how much I love getting comments on my blog.  Of any kind.  Even if they are ones that disagree with me, or remind me how silly I can be, or just say hey I read this.  Every single one matters.  So why is it so hard to imagine that other people won't see the same value in my words?

The internet is kind of a strange place, where norms and manners are different then other parts of life.  I would never sit in a room listening to someone talk and not acknowledge that they are speaking.  I might not speak, given the situation, but I would nod, or smile, or furrow my brow if I disagreed.  I would make some motion so that person would know I was hearing their words, thinking about them, and so they would know that I was present in that moment.  Yet I rarely do that online.  I can't just give a quick word to say "hey, I was here and heard what you had to say" I feel the need to have something really brilliant to add.  The perfect words, because those words are being saved forever for the world to view.  I get anxious about them.  About how people might interpret them.  About whether someone will even care that they've been written.  And so I shy away from commenting.

But I'm starting to realize that this worry that I have, about my voice in a new setting and learning new norms for the online world, is really deterring from my own experience.  If I want to get the most out of this, to really feel what it is like to belong to this community, then I need to figure it all out and let my voice be heard.  Even if it's just a nod, or a smile, or a distant thoughtful look in my eye.  I haven't gotten this whole blogging thing down yet.  But I'm determined to make the most out of it.  Because I feel like I've only scrapped the surface and already I am so blessed to have this blogging world as part of mine.

Almost time to celebrate. Almost.

This week has been stressful.  The good news is that it looks like my parents house is going to be sold by the middle of March.  The bad news is, they need a place to live by the middle of March!  And that was falling pretty solely on my shoulders and looking a little dire.  I mean, they would have had a place to live, but not necessarily one that they would have really wanted to live in.  So it was wearing on me and it was showing.  I actually was backing the car into the garage and kind of missed.  I didn't hit the house, it wasn't that bad, but I did scrape up the back bumper on the frame inside the garage door.  Not my finest moment.  I always end up doing stupid stuff like that when I'm really stressed out.  It reminds me that I need to get my act together.  So I've been taking out most of my frustration, stress, nerves, etc on the treadmill, which has felt really good and has been helping.  Luckily yesterday somehow the stars aligned, the perfect apartment became available and it's a done deal.  Hopefully now the sale of the house just goes smoothly.  It's a little surreal because we've been working toward this goal for years now, and I have to admit that I wasn't actually sure it would ever happen.  So I'm incredibly relieved.  Time for a deep breath and a drink :)