Trying to figure it all out

I've always said that infertility has left me forever changed, as a person and most definitely as a parent.  Looking back on Bean's delivery, I see now how much my infertility changed the way I reacted to the situations in front of me.  I was really hoping to have a vaginal delivery and as natural of a childbirth as possible.  I hit 41 weeks though and my doctor wanted me to be induced.  Normally I would have pushed back at this and wanted to wait longer and give my body a chance to do what it was going to do.  But I was scared.  So scared.  Scared that I would make the wrong choice and that something would happen to Bean before I ever even got the chance to meet her.  In the end, the induction failed, and I had a c-section.  At the time, and even now, I say that I have no regrets because Bean and I both came out healthy.  Was it the way I wanted it to happen?  Not necessarily, but all that I really cared about was bringing home a baby and that I got to do.

Looking back though I know that without the infertility colored glasses, I would have wanted to wait past 41 weeks.  I would have wanted to wait longer into the induction before I agreed to the c-section.  And this changes how I feel this time around, although I'm still scared to death that something might happen before this baby ever gets here.  I've been keeping close track of movement and have been doing everything I can to make sure this baby is okay.  I just want a shot at having a VBAC.  In the end, I want a healthy baby and a healthy mama, but I know how hard it is to recover from a c-section.  I know it will be even harder this time with a toddler.  I know there are risks.  I would rather avoid it if I could, but I just have no idea what choice is right.  What if I choose the wrong thing and there are horrible consequences?  It's really hard to know what to do.

When I went to the doctor today, nothing has changed.  I'm still 50% effaced and 1 cm dilated.  Which like I said before, is way farther then I got with Bean and I haven't even hit my due date yet.  So I keep hoping, and walking, and doing anything that I can to try to encourage labor to start.  My doctors, while they are supportive of my attempt at a VBAC, are not really super on board.  At my visit today, with the doctor I like more, he told me that in his opinion we can wait, keep an eye on things, but should probably schedule a c-section for next Wednesday, which will be just short of 41 weeks.  He wants me to come back Friday for a non stress test and an ultrasound to check on the fluid and baby.  Obviously I'm on board with that.  The scheduling of the c-section at this point though, I'm not so sure about.  It feels like history repeating itself.

I told him I'd think about it and talk to my husband and he said he'd talk to the scheduling folks in the office and they might call me about it.  Okay, no big deal.  Well, on my way out as I was scheduling my appointment for Friday, the woman who does all the paperwork in the office comes to the front desk with a stack of papers so she can schedule my c-section.  There's only one spot left next week and so she said she needed to do it soon, and of course the doctor who would preform the c-section is my least favorite.  I felt completely overwhelmed and kind of like I was being forced into something so I told her that I wanted to wait, talk to my husband, and get back to her.

After more discussion with her later on the phone, looking for other options, it sounded essentially like all that scheduling a c-section now would do would be to make life easier for them.  If I schedule it now, I'm essentially locked into having a c-section next week.  When I questioned more about what would happen if I waited, I was essentially told that the same thing could end up happening.  So what's the point of scheduling it?  If I need a c-section are they going to deny me one?  I don't love the doctor that's available, so would it really be so terrible if I ended up with someone different from another office potentially?  Not in my opinion.  I don't like feeling bullied, especially when there isn't a good reason for it.  If the babies health was at risk, or mine, I'll have the c-section in 30 seconds.  But otherwise I feel like I should still be in control of this situation.  I want to feel comfortable that we're doing the right thing, and I don't, so I said no.

I'm not sure how happy they are with me.  I don't really care in all honesty.  I don't typically like to make waves and I am nervous, worrying and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.  Technically this baby could be here already if I had just done a repeat c-section to begin with.  Am I pushing my luck here?  Maybe everything would have gone fine and I'm potentially getting myself into a tricky situation by waiting longer.  Or maybe something could have gone wrong with the c-section and I'm avoiding something bad.  That's the hard part.  The not knowing.  Making decisions based on your gut, a lot of research, and what you feel like is the right thing to do.  If that isn't parenting in a nutshell, I don't know what is.  But that doesn't make it any less scary.