I went to the OB today and nothing has changed. Still 1 cm, still 50% effaced, and they still want me to have a c-section on Wednesday if I haven't gone into labor. And I'm sad. I kept trying to figure out why. I mean, in the end I am just thrilled that we have the chance to have another baby. It shouldn't matter how it's born should it? I just can't shake this feeling of being really sad about having to have another c-section though and as I was putting Bean down for her nap, I had a revelation as to why.
As I've said before, when hubby and I got married, we wanted four kids. Then infertility happened and we were begging for just one. After Bean was born and we started trying to add to our family again, we really didn't have any expectations but were thrilled when it worked. Our dream right now is at three kids. That's partially due to our age and money. Both of those things effected by infertility. When Bean was born and I was induced, I knew a c-section was a possibility but I didn't plan on it. So I wasn't totally prepared when we had one. After all the dust settled, I asked my doctor if I would have to have another and he said most likely. I asked how many c-sections you can have and he said they don't really like you to have more then three, but definitely max at four.
Of course the big question is, how many would I feel comfortable having? I don't know. I'd have to look at the risks. But the reality of it is that I have found one more thing that limits my own dreams for my family. Infertility took that first dream from me already and I've come to terms with that and have built a new dream. And trust me, I already feel like I'm living the dream in that I'm a mama at all. I just feel sad that I'm going to have to potentially reassess that dream again. I know that infertility stands in my way, but I don't want anything else if I can avoid it. I don't want to put myself at risk. I want to be here to enjoy the children we've fought so hard to have and the family we so love.
I'm scared about the surgery. I went into it the first time not knowing it was going to happen and I almost feel like that's better. If I sit here and think about it, I worry about what could happen. I know bad things can happen during a vaginal delivery too. I know there is risk either way. But somehow this just seems scarier. I just wish things were different. Just like I did when I was laying on an exam table again and again at the RE's office. I'll adjust to the reality of it all and figure out how to make peace with it. But today I'm just sad and disappointed, and so ready to meet this baby. I want to choose the right thing. The thing that's safest for both of us. And I don't know what that is. I don't have confidence that my doctors advice is actually about what's best for me and not for them. Obviously my head is all over the place and so is my heart. I just wish that things were different. But I've said that already and they could be oh so much worse. I just have to wrap my head around all this again.