I went to the OB today and nothing has changed. Still 1 cm, still 50% effaced, and they still want me to have a c-section on Wednesday if I haven't gone into labor. And I'm sad. I kept trying to figure out why. I mean, in the end I am just thrilled that we have the chance to have another baby. It shouldn't matter how it's born should it? I just can't shake this feeling of being really sad about having to have another c-section though and as I was putting Bean down for her nap, I had a revelation as to why.
As I've said before, when hubby and I got married, we wanted four kids. Then infertility happened and we were begging for just one. After Bean was born and we started trying to add to our family again, we really didn't have any expectations but were thrilled when it worked. Our dream right now is at three kids. That's partially due to our age and money. Both of those things effected by infertility. When Bean was born and I was induced, I knew a c-section was a possibility but I didn't plan on it. So I wasn't totally prepared when we had one. After all the dust settled, I asked my doctor if I would have to have another and he said most likely. I asked how many c-sections you can have and he said they don't really like you to have more then three, but definitely max at four.
Of course the big question is, how many would I feel comfortable having? I don't know. I'd have to look at the risks. But the reality of it is that I have found one more thing that limits my own dreams for my family. Infertility took that first dream from me already and I've come to terms with that and have built a new dream. And trust me, I already feel like I'm living the dream in that I'm a mama at all. I just feel sad that I'm going to have to potentially reassess that dream again. I know that infertility stands in my way, but I don't want anything else if I can avoid it. I don't want to put myself at risk. I want to be here to enjoy the children we've fought so hard to have and the family we so love.
I'm scared about the surgery. I went into it the first time not knowing it was going to happen and I almost feel like that's better. If I sit here and think about it, I worry about what could happen. I know bad things can happen during a vaginal delivery too. I know there is risk either way. But somehow this just seems scarier. I just wish things were different. Just like I did when I was laying on an exam table again and again at the RE's office. I'll adjust to the reality of it all and figure out how to make peace with it. But today I'm just sad and disappointed, and so ready to meet this baby. I want to choose the right thing. The thing that's safest for both of us. And I don't know what that is. I don't have confidence that my doctors advice is actually about what's best for me and not for them. Obviously my head is all over the place and so is my heart. I just wish that things were different. But I've said that already and they could be oh so much worse. I just have to wrap my head around all this again.
There are a few more days. Still, so sorry to hear that things have stalled... Healthy baby and mum is the main focus. It would have been nice to have the birth you wanted though. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI really get what you're going through. I always wanted 4 kids and have had to reasses because of IF. I had convinced myself that 3 would be possible but the difficulty and risk of this pregnancy has put paid to that. It's okay to grieve your dreams and maybe things will start happening and you won't have to worry about the Caesar. I'm crossing my fingers here.
ReplyDeleteI just had my 2nd C-section and have had infertility problems as well. I came to terms that my body wasn't made for making babies so I need all the help I can getting making them and getting them out. I sort of hoped for a vaginal birth with the second but the end goal was always a healthy baby so I didn't fight it a bit. With my second, the surgery itself was a bit more nerve-wracking but my recovery was actually easier for some reason. After hearing some really horrible vaginal birth stories lately I'm grateful for the C-section. And it really doesn't matter now that I have my healthy baby. After all, I already had the scar and that's the worst part down the road anyway. Don't stress about it and just think of all the good things. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the words of encouragement ladies. Actually writing this post was really good for me, although I felt guilty writing it. There's always a part of me that's going to feel like I shouldn't have any of these feelings because I should just feel so lucky to be having a baby at all (which I do, trust me, I do).
ReplyDeleteI've come to terms with potentially having a repeat c-section and I'm feeling good about it. I think I was feeling very stressed with the pressure of trying to make this decision and figure out what the right/safest thing to do is. Even if I do question my doctors motives to some degree, letting them make that decision for me and trying to trust that they do have experience and are steering me in the right direction is a bit of a relief.
I'm so ready to meet this baby and I agree with you all whole heartedly, the most important thing is that both of us are healthy and that's what I've wanted all along. It's exciting to know that in less then a week, our little one will finally be here.
It is so hard to not have confidence in your doctors. Because of my MTHFR, some of my doctors recommended we induce but my husband and I declined. Everything turned out just fine. Obviously, everybody's situation is different and everybody's baby is different. I hope you are blessed with peace during these last few days of your pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted you to know I'm thinking about you! I'm glad you're starting to come to terms with having a repeat C-section, if that's what ends up happening. Either way, you're right--the important part is that however it happens, you'll finally have your second miracle =)
ReplyDeleteI keep checking in to see if youve beenable to post! I hope things are going good!
ReplyDelete