Where I'm at right now

So I realize that I've already fallen down on the job of posting my Sunday inspiration and I'm only on the second week, but I have a good excuse!  So I'll jump back on it next week.  This last weekend was just too busy because we went away, just the three of us, to celebrate Bean's birthday early.  Her second birthday is this coming Saturday, which I can't even believe.  We're having a small party for family here but decided that we wanted to do a small trip as her main gift.  Really it was a gift for all of us.  We've been so busy and focused on everyone else the last few months, we needed to focus on our little family.  So we went to "the city" and took her to the zoo and the aquarium.  She had such a good time and it was what we all needed, even though we're a little exhausted afterwards.

One thing that popped up this weekend that I wasn't expecting at all was my period.  When I had that surgery in March they told me that I'd have my end of March, beginning of April period and then we'd get started with the meds and insemination's and everything in May.  Now knowing my body, that could be more like end of May beginning of June.  Instead, I got my period at the end of last week and was totally unprepared.  Both physically and emotionally.  All the sudden I realized that we were here again, at the beginning.  And for a moment, I didn't feel ready.  Which I know is silly because we've been itching to get back at it and it seems like something always gets in the way.  But I was so focused on Bean, on making her feel special for her big day, and on just enjoying our life, that to all of the sudden throw it into upheaval.  It freaked me out.  All these what ifs started popping in my head.  What if I get depressed again, what if Bean isn't ready for a sibling, what if I mess with our wonderful little life and somehow that tips the scales and things start to go wrong.  Really wrong.  I could feel panic setting in.

I mostly managed to talk myself through it and just put it all out of my head until the weekend was over.  Then this morning when I had to head in for blood work and an ultrasound I thought about it a little more and started to let myself look at the good side.  What if it works, what if I'm pregnant again soon, what if we have another baby and are able to feel that feeling again.  That love.  That joy.  What if I'm able to see what kind of a big sister Bean will be.  I started to get hopeful and excited.  Which of course, as we all know sometimes, can be a tough place to end up.

Anyway, I went in and had the blood work and then the ultrasound.  As soon as the tech told the nurse practitioner that my lining was like 11 or 14 or something I knew that things were amiss.  I was also trying to figure out in my head how that was possible after I had the period from hell this weekend.  Anyway, the NP confirmed that my lining should be below 5 for them to get started so they would have me come back on Wednesday with the hope that the situation would fix itself (even though I'm already on day 4) and if it hasn't, then we wait until next month.  This whole, wait and see thing is starting to get old.  So if the ultrasound shows on Wednesday that things haven't gone where they need to go, I'm going to ask more questions and push a little bit.

I know that this whole thing is a roller coaster.  One minute you're up, the next your down.  Your excited, your scared, you're a mess.  I get that.  I just feel like I've been sitting there, strapped in, waiting for the darn thing to really start since January and I can't even get out of the starting gate.  Ever time I open the fridge I see that stupid syringe and at this point it's started to blend into the landscape.  Somewhere between the yogurt and the jelly are our dreams for a second baby.  And I don't know if I should feel frustrated, defeated, or relieved.