My first attempt at greater honesty

So normally I wouldn't write this post.  I'd think about this morning all day in my free moments because it really annoyed me, but I'd wait until hubby got home, or one of my girlfriends called, and unload it on them instead.  But in an effort to bring more of myself to my blog, I'm going to tell you about it instead.

This morning Bean and I went to story hour at the library.  We haven't been in awhile and I was really looking forward to going even though our friends who go wouldn't be there today.  Our children's librarian is amazing.  She always has fun stories and songs for the kids and then some kind of activity for them to do.  Today I was so excited because she had big boxes of dirt and everybody got to plant seeds and take them home to watch them grow.  Bean and I have read lots of books about things growing and gardens in preparation for planting our own, so I knew she'd be excited.  What surprised me though was how grumpy most of the other parents were about it.

First of all, one of the strangest things about our story hour is that most of the parents dress their kids like they're going to church or something.  They all are dressed up and I'm not sure why.  Is it to show off, for fun, or is that the kind of thing they wear everyday?  Bean was there in her little leggings and short sleeved top.  She had a grass stain on her knee, and to be honest, I could care less.  Anyway, most of the parents today seemed annoyed that there kids might get dirty and that they might get dirty with them.  If they let them plant seeds at all, they just swooped in, got it done super fast, and got out of there as quickly as they could.

It reminded me of the time our awesome librarian took the time and effort to get cardboard boxes for every kid that they could decorate and make into a car.  She set up roads through the library with signs and we got to push them all around and pretend they were driving.  It was so much fun!  At least I thought so. There was a lot of complaining that day too and a lot of parents left their cars behind so they wouldn't have to "deal with them" at home, as their kids screamed all the way out the door.

On top of the dirt situation today, what irked me in general was just the attitude that I kept hearing from different people.  Complaints about this part of parenthood or that.  There was a mom there who hadn't been before who had twins.  I heard so many of the other moms tell her they didn't know how she did it.  That they would have to be on anti anxiety drugs if they had two kids at once.  They were describing this terrible situation and it just made my heart hurt.  For them, for their kids, and for this poor woman.  Undoubtedly it's hard having multiples, but why doesn't it ever jump to anyone's mind that it could be rewarding as well??

I was so frustrated by the general attitude in the room that we took off early.  And this is a feeling I end up having often.  I've tried a couple moms groups and every time I just don't feel like I belong.  I totally agree that motherhood, parenthood, is hard.  I have had my moments of frustration and exhaustion where all I can do is just sit down and cry.  But I also realize what an incredible gift I've been given.  I know try to seize every moment with Bean because I know that this could be my only child and I may never get to have these moments, at this age again.  I am so incredibly aware everyday of the fact that I'm an infertile mama and that if things had gone a different way, I might still be waiting and hoping to be one.

I realize that it's unrealistic to ask everyone in the world to get it, to understand what I feel like.  I guess I just have a hard time swallowing it when all I hear is the difficulties associated with being a parent, because while it is the most difficult thing I have ever done (both in the journey to get here and beyond) it is also by far the most rewarding.  I wouldn't trade a single second.  And I have a hard time surrounding myself with people who don't feel the same way.  I guess in the end that's my problem not theirs.  But I still haven't really figured out how to be part of groups like this.  And to be honest, there are many days like today where I wonder if I even want to.  I mostly do it for Bean and watching her today planting her seeds, watering them, and carefully bringing them home, it made it worth it.  Even if I am still feeling annoyed well after it's all over.