There have been moments in my life where I gain absolute clarity for absolutely no good reason. I'm never quite sure what the catalyst is, but it doesn't really matter. It always reminds me of third grade, when someone finally realized that I couldn't actually see as well as I should be able to and my parents got me glasses. The moment I put them on, the world suddenly came into focus and was clear, sharp, and beautiful. The fuzz, was gone.
There have been several moments that I've had like this in motherhood, where all the sudden things come together and I see more clearly then I have in quite some time. Some of that I know is sleep deprivation, but some of it is just figuring things out and all the sudden realizing, okay, that's what this little person needs. That's how this works. I can't remember those moments as clearly as I do the one that lead to me being a mother (once again, sleep deprivation). We had just finished our 5th cycle with the fertility doctor. The first ended in miscarriage, the second a chemical pregnancy, and the third, fourth, and fifth were big, fat, negatives. We were pretty worn down, sad, and the world was pretty fuzzy. We were at the point where we didn't expect to get pregnant anymore, we expected the negatives, anticipated them. I was so caught up in what was being lost, that I stopped thinking about what we were hoping to gain. Then all the sudden, the fuzz went away and we went into cycle 6 as different people. Hopeful people, even though we had our lowest sperm counts, even though our doctor was preparing us for IVF. All the sudden we believed it could happen again. And it did.
I'm not saying that the power of positive thought got us pregnant. I'm infertile and I know that all the of the positive thought in the world doesn't make babies. If it did, none of us would be here. But I do know that we stopped working against ourselves. We believed in the process and that changed how we approached it and what life was like around here during that cycle. I'm not sure where my moment of clarity came from back then, but I am so glad that it arrived.
This morning I was sitting in the living room, playing with Bean, in a fuzzy fog. The last few weeks have been, overwhelming. Trying to do all the things that I felt like I should do, keeping obligations, and also doing the things that I want to do. Trying to keep the "reason for the season" in mind, make it a special, thoughtful time of year for Bean, and for all of us. Bean and Hubby both got sick and so the actual holiday was us just trying to get through. We're on the other side, but I haven't recovered from it all.
Bean's on the mend though and I was sitting playing with her. We got here some play food for Christmas. It is in pieces and stuck together and comes with a pretend knife to cut it apart with. She loves copying us and I knew she would love this. But she hadn't gotten the hang of it yet. She just ripped the pieces apart while I tried to put them back together as fast as she could, so that she could keep playing. I showed her a couple times how the whole thing worked but mostly left her to explore and enjoy it for herself. Then today while we were playing, it was like a light bulb went off over her head and she got it. She was SO excited and so into it. I had to go into overdrive to get that food back together as fast as she could cut it apart. It was so much fun to watch and in that moment, the fog lifted. Everything was crystal clear again.
My whole desire for the holiday was to make it special for Bean. To buy gifts for the people I love that reflect how much I care about them, make them happy, and are interesting to them. I got lost in the obligation, the gifts I had to buy, the places I had to go and things I had to do. It wore me down. Everyone getting sick was the first reminder that none of that other stuff mattered. Then I read Mel's post about holiday gift giving and realized that it's all messed up. The whole Christmas culture has become nutty and I have tried so hard to not become a part of it, but inevitable I have failed. I wasted time, energy, and money on gifts that I felt like I had to buy, instead of focusing that same time and energy on what was really important, and the people who I feel are really important.
The one person who I managed to keep completely out of that equation was Bean. Her gifts were not extravagant, but thoughtful to what she might like. We read stories and talked about the holiday and what it means. I know she's little, but she can understand so much. I tried to make it fun, but meaningful. She got to help make gifts for people. She was a part of the whole process. And today I got to see the end result of that. And it was wonderful watching this little girl, cutting up some ridiculous plastic fruit, with a huge smile on her face as she said "ove you Mama." My world, is crystal clear. And never have I been so focused on eliminating the causes of the holiday fog. I am so glad that my normal life has returned. And I have promised myself that next year will be different.