Thursday, January 5, 2012

On the verge

I've never had a panic attack, I don't think, but I feel as if I'm on the verge of one.  Saturday I have plans to be away, overnight, from Bean.  It will be the longest and farthest I've ever been from her.  It's supposed to be a fun trip for me, but I'm really only doing it because I feel like it would be good for Bean.  In case I can't always be there.  So that she's prepared and doesn't feel anxious when I'm not around.  And for hubby, so he can see what it's like to be me a little bit.  I, on the other hand, feel like there is a giant weight sitting about 6 inches from my chest.  It hasn't touched down yet, but it's hanging there.  I feel like the air is slowing being sucked out of the room and in about 24 hours it's all going to be gone.  I feel like a crazy person because I'm terrified that something bad is going to happen.  Something to Bean or something to me.  I'm scared that she's going to need me and I won't be there.  I worry that she won't understand why I'm not there.  I want more then anything for her to have a good foundation in this world, and I feel like part of that is being okay when I'm not around, and so I'm willing to do what I have to so that can happen.  But in the process, I will not be okay.  I don't know how people do this everyday.  I have so much respect for those of you who do.  I keep repeating that saying to myself "I can do hard things."  It doesn't seem like this should be one of those hard things.  There are so many harder things in the world.  And yet, here I sit, trying to talk myself down from a full on sobbing meltdown about it.  I can do hard things.  I have done hard things.  One of those things was starting my family and now, it's spending a day away from it.  Somehow it feels wrong.  I worked so hard for this, even 24 hours away seems wrong.  It amazes me, that no matter how far I get from it, from how Bean was created, I still find ways that it has affected me, for better or for worse.  I don't know how to explain it to people without sounding crazy.  Even now, I feel like the more I type, the more crazy I sound.  But it's real and it's how I feel.  So right now I'm trying to convince myself not to back out at the last minute.  Because that sounds so easy and so nice right now.  But I'm hoping, that I can convince myself about that whole hard things idea.  I guess we'll see.


  1. You can do this and so can Bean. I can totally see how this would be VERY hard, but the things that are the most important are usually hard. But the things that are hard are usually the things we really need most.

    I know thats probably not helpful in the moment, but just remember that you are doing this for her and you can do anything if its for her!

  2. I guess it must be more difficult for you than for her. I can't know for sure, but this is what I think. I hope it all went well and that it is a thing of a past now.
    Although it is heartbreaking to see them grow up and having to do things that help them grow more independent and just move away from us. It is the way of the world, but it does not make it any easier on us, does it?