Jumping back in

One of the things that I sometimes find overwhelming in the blogging world is stepping back.  If you need to step away, or if you're forced to for some reason, it feels really hard to come back.  So much has happened and all of these posts are there waiting for you to read and comment on.  The world has kept going even though you have stood still in a way.  It's like trying to jump back on a moving carousel.  So I've been standing here, on the sidelines for the last week, trying to look for the perfect foot hold.  I want to jump back in but I'm tired, and I can't seem to figure out where to land without somehow making a mess of things.  Then I realized that each day that I stay standing still, waiting for the right moment, more and more is just building up making it feel more and more impossible.  So I just have to jump.  Which is what I'm doing.

Life has calmed down a bit here and I'm seeing the bright side of things again.  I think one of the reasons that I've been avoiding the blog too is because I've been avoiding a larger issue in my life in general.  The whole point of weaning Bean was to start trying for another baby.  As soon as I was done I was supposed to call my RE.  I was definitely supposed to call her on day one of my first period.  Well, both of those things have happened and I haven't made the call.  It just all happened so fast, I didn't feel ready.  I wanted at least a month where my body was just my own.  I wanted to try to lose a little bit more weight before we started trying again.  And I wanted to just live life for a little while without it all feeling like a roller coaster ride.

What I realized is that life is always a roller coaster ride, no matter what you might do to try to stop it.  And as far as having my body back to myself, well, that's kind of a joke.  I have had maybe one glass of wine, a cup of half caffeinated coffee, and some ibuprofen.  It's been over two years since I only had to worry for myself when I put something in my body and I just can't switch it off.  So why switch it off to just switch it back on?  I don't miss any of that stuff really, except my allergy medicine.  I DEARLY miss my allergy medicine.  The only thing here that really seemed to matter was losing the weight.  So I got back on the elliptical in our basement for the first time in 2 years and it felt really good.  I plan on keeping up with that.

So I'm not sure where I stand right now.  I'm ready to be pregnant again in the larger sense.  Am I ready to go back to the RE for real?  I don't know.  I may wait on that until after the holidays.  Although that thought always starts the sound of a really loud clock ticking in my head.  We'll see what wins.  The desire for a somewhat peaceful holiday season, or the unrelenting feeling that I'm wasting precious time. I want to really enjoy this time of year with Bean.  It's always one of my favorites and she understands so much more this year.  I kind of feel like we need a last hurrah before life starts to change.  But that could just be me procrastinating something that feels hard right now.  I've got some thinking to do and hopefully I have it all figured out before my period comes again.  Whenever that may be.