When the time is right

A month or so ago I finally found a local library that had a story hour for kiddos Beans age.  We've been a couple times and Bean loves it.  I like it too and have started chatting with a few of the moms.  The last time we were there, I really looked around more and realized that two of the ten or so moms are pregnant again.  I admit, I wasn't prepared.  All the kids in the group are around a year old and so seeing moms who are REALLY pregnant there, hadn't crossed my mind.

At first, I did my usual kind of kick in the gut reaction.  We've been thinking a lot about adding to our family, or trying to anyway, and it's a little daunting.  So to see other people who give the impression that getting pregnant is easy, well, it's always a bit of a sucker punch, no matter the situation.  Now I always remind myself that I don't know anything about this persons life or situation, so I really shouldn't compare anything to them, but it's hard not to.  It's hard seeing someone who is pregnant and not thinking about my infertility status.

Then I realized though that as jealous as I am at the idea of getting pregnant, I'm not ready to be pregnant right now.  I could see being ready in the not too distant future, but I love what I have with Bean right now.  She's at this incredible age where she's just changing and growing every hour it feels like.  I already feel like I have a hard time soaking it in.  She's also still breast feeding and while I'm getting close to feeling like I'm ready to ween (especially as she gets more teeth!), I'm not quite there yet, and she really isn't.  She loves nursing and I just can't imagine taking that way from her yet.

It feels like such a fine line though thinking about all this as an infertile.  Do we start trying now with the expectation that it will take awhile and by the time we get pregnant (if we get pregnant), we'll be ready.  Or do we wait until that moment is here and then tackle it.  I had this grand plan when hubby and I got married of having four kids and having them all before I turned 35.  I know, I know, I laugh at that idea now too.  Anyway, since I'm 31, that's unlikely and hubby and I both have let go of the idea of a certain number of kids or a certain age to do it by.  We're just going to take it one day, one baby at a time.  We feel so blessed to have Bean, I almost feel like I'm asking for too much to try for more babies.  But I've always wanted to have a big family and I'm not ready to give up that dream yet.  If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, but I'm going to try.

So here we are, standing at the place where we're not quite ready to move forward today but we're not quite ready to wait too much longer either.  I feel like I'm waiting for a sign from somewhere.  Mostly from Bean I think.  I'm waiting for her to let me know that it's okay, that I'll still be able to see every change and notice every difference.  That there still will be silly dance parties and snuggle fests.  That she's ready to share me and that I'm ready to start the process all over again.  I just keep hoping that coming home to her this time around will make the whole thing a little easier.  I keep waiting for her to let me know somehow that I wont' be taking anything away from her miracle, by trying for another.  I don't know if I'll ever get the sign that I'm looking for, but I realized at that story hour, that while I can't help being jealous of the idea of being pregnant, I'm not ready yet to actually be pregnant, and I'm okay with that.