When the time is right

A month or so ago I finally found a local library that had a story hour for kiddos Beans age.  We've been a couple times and Bean loves it.  I like it too and have started chatting with a few of the moms.  The last time we were there, I really looked around more and realized that two of the ten or so moms are pregnant again.  I admit, I wasn't prepared.  All the kids in the group are around a year old and so seeing moms who are REALLY pregnant there, hadn't crossed my mind.

At first, I did my usual kind of kick in the gut reaction.  We've been thinking a lot about adding to our family, or trying to anyway, and it's a little daunting.  So to see other people who give the impression that getting pregnant is easy, well, it's always a bit of a sucker punch, no matter the situation.  Now I always remind myself that I don't know anything about this persons life or situation, so I really shouldn't compare anything to them, but it's hard not to.  It's hard seeing someone who is pregnant and not thinking about my infertility status.

Then I realized though that as jealous as I am at the idea of getting pregnant, I'm not ready to be pregnant right now.  I could see being ready in the not too distant future, but I love what I have with Bean right now.  She's at this incredible age where she's just changing and growing every hour it feels like.  I already feel like I have a hard time soaking it in.  She's also still breast feeding and while I'm getting close to feeling like I'm ready to ween (especially as she gets more teeth!), I'm not quite there yet, and she really isn't.  She loves nursing and I just can't imagine taking that way from her yet.

It feels like such a fine line though thinking about all this as an infertile.  Do we start trying now with the expectation that it will take awhile and by the time we get pregnant (if we get pregnant), we'll be ready.  Or do we wait until that moment is here and then tackle it.  I had this grand plan when hubby and I got married of having four kids and having them all before I turned 35.  I know, I know, I laugh at that idea now too.  Anyway, since I'm 31, that's unlikely and hubby and I both have let go of the idea of a certain number of kids or a certain age to do it by.  We're just going to take it one day, one baby at a time.  We feel so blessed to have Bean, I almost feel like I'm asking for too much to try for more babies.  But I've always wanted to have a big family and I'm not ready to give up that dream yet.  If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, but I'm going to try.

So here we are, standing at the place where we're not quite ready to move forward today but we're not quite ready to wait too much longer either.  I feel like I'm waiting for a sign from somewhere.  Mostly from Bean I think.  I'm waiting for her to let me know that it's okay, that I'll still be able to see every change and notice every difference.  That there still will be silly dance parties and snuggle fests.  That she's ready to share me and that I'm ready to start the process all over again.  I just keep hoping that coming home to her this time around will make the whole thing a little easier.  I keep waiting for her to let me know somehow that I wont' be taking anything away from her miracle, by trying for another.  I don't know if I'll ever get the sign that I'm looking for, but I realized at that story hour, that while I can't help being jealous of the idea of being pregnant, I'm not ready yet to actually be pregnant, and I'm okay with that.

Welcome and Intro for ICLW

Hello to everyone, including everyone coming for ICLW.  In case this is your first time stopping by, let me tell you a little about myself.  I'm a SAH mom to a 13 month old baby girl after trying for three years to start our family.  We went through 6 IUI's, one surgery, one miscarriage, and a chemical pregnancy before we finally got our BFP that stuck.  We've already started thinking about trying again to get our Bean a little brother or sister and I think we'll be back in the RE's office very soon.

I started this blog because I realized after almost a year of being a mama, that I was still dealing with a lot of the baggage that comes from infertility.  I didn't have anyone that I felt like I could really talk to about it all, so I decided to reach out to the community that I had been reading and watching from afar for years.  I cannot tell you how glad I am that I did that!

I have to admit though that I've been a bit of an absentee blogger recently and before that I was a little scattered.  I've been sharing bits and pieces of why that is, but I'm ready to tell you all about it now.  There are two main reasons that I haven't been able to blog as much as I'd like.

As I've mentioned before, my parents are in the process of getting their house cleaned out to move closer to us.  So we've been busy helping with that.  And, as I also mentioned, my Aunt was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  She's started chemotherapy and while she's doing okay, she's in her 70's and it's wiping her out.  Emotionally she's just starting to really realize what's happening and the fact that her hair just started falling out I think is the real physical manifestation of what she's going through, and it's hitting her hard.  So I've been trying to be there for her as much as I can even though we live a few hours away.  It makes me sad that she's spent her life taking care of other people and now she doesn't have that many people to take care of her.  I want to do as much as I can, but it's definitely hard to find enough time in the day.

The other reason that I've been super busy, that I'm really excited about, is that I started my moms group!  Right after I started blogging I was testing out some moms groups and was having a really hard time feeling like I fit in any of them.  So I started thinking how great it would be to have a moms group for people like me who had started their family either through infertility treatment or adoption.  I thought and thought about it and finally just went for it.  And it's been so great so far!  We've had two play dates for our kiddos and I've had a great time.  We've talked about all the typical mom stuff but we can also talk about infertility and support each other.  I finally feel like I have some people who I can see face to face who understand where I've been and where I'm probably going again very soon, and that feels really good.  It's been a lot of work though that's for sure.  But it's worth it, for me and Bean. She's been having such a great time and I love having her have the chance to play with other kids.

So that's what's going on here!  I'm committing myself to blogging for the next week though and to seeing what's going on with everyone else in the blog world.  Because this little blog is what got me started with this idea.  The support I felt from people all over the world, made me realize what a difference reaching out to this community can make, and it gave me the confidence to go do it in the world immediately around me.  So welcome!  I'm so glad to have everyone visiting and I promise to have lots of new posts for you to read.

It's a good day

I feel like I blog a lot about things I'm thinking about or worrying about or things that are troubling me.  Lately I haven't been blogging about much of anything because life has been going at a manic pace.  I have about three posts all started, waiting to be flushed out and finished.  They're coming soon, but not today for sure.  That's not my point though, my point is that I want to stop to acknowledge a good day.  Today there were no boo boo's to kiss, there were no phone calls to make, there was just a day to go visit a new friend and just have a wonderful time.  It's so nice when you happen upon someone in the world who you feel like is a bit of a kindred spirit.  As I get older, I realize that it happens less and less and so I cherish it more. Most of my kindred spirits are scattered around the country, so it's nice to find one closer to home.  So I'm going to bed tonight thinking about all the good things that happened, and for a few more hours pushing out all the stressful things.

Life from Scratch

So I don't normally like the idea of plugging things on my blog.  And lets me honest, not enough people actually read my blog for plugging anything on here to accomplish much.  But I've been given the opportunity to do something for someone who has done a lot for the infertility community and I'm so happy to have the chance to pay her back.   Mel, the proprietor over at Stirrup Queens has written a novel and from what I've read, it sounds like a fantastic read.  I can't wait to read it for myself.  And for a short time you can go to Am.azon and buy the book for your Kind.le for less then $3.  I don't have a Kind.le so I'll be reading it on my laptop, which is super easy to do.  So for me it was a no brainer when Mel asked everyone to help her fulfill her dream.  And, can I just say that we pay more then $3 for a magazine these days.  Okay, I'll stop trying to convince you and let the book and Mel speak for themselves while I'm mentally making a list of the gazillions of things that cost more then $2.99 that we all buy in a heartbeat.  Just in case I need to do some more convincing.  Happy reading everyone!

Jumbled

That's how I feel lately.  I have a lot of thoughts in my head, a lot of things I'd like to talk about, but when I try to get it out, it comes out wrong.  I can't seem to hold an idea long enough to actually make it into anything that makes sense.  I guess it's just a sign of too many things going on at once.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  It could also be the whole sleep deprivation thing.  The nap transitioning still isn't going well here.  I'm not sure really what's going on up there (in my head that is), I just know that it's frustrating.  So instead of a post that actually has some depth to it, what I have to offer you is a list of things going on in my life right now.

-I'm currently realizing how much I love my dishwasher.  We had a problem with ours and are awaiting a replacement top rack so I'm working with one rack.  I had no idea how much time that sucker saves me.  I will never take it for granted again!

-I have a project in the works.  I'm dying to share it with all of you but I haven't figured out what and how much to share yet.  It's consuming a lot of my time and thoughts though and I would love to tell you all about it.

-My aunt had her first round of chemotherapy this week.  I'm still in disbelief but we're all ready to kick this things butt.  Now we're all just watching and waiting to see how she tolerates it.  Fingers crossed that things continue to go well.

-The weather here has cooled off and it's so nice to be outside without feeling like you're melting.  We're second hand shopping right now to outfit our back yard with some Bean size play things, which is very fun.  And when we were all melting, we tried our little pool for the first time, and Bean LOVED it.  So much fun!

-I finally found a story hour at a local library for kiddos Bean's age.  We went for the first time on Friday and had so much fun.  I'm so glad that we found it and are really looking forward to making it part of our normal routine.

-Hubby has taught Bean how to pant like a dog (don't ask, I think it happened while reading a book about a dog) which she showed off to everyone at the library while we were there.  I'll work on teaching here that running in circles and panting like a dog isn't really proper library etiquette in the future.  This week I was just excited that she didn't sit on my lap without cracking a smile or interacting with anyone the whole time.  And it was pretty cute.  I'll worry if she's still doing it in ten years.

-This week is the start of our CSA for the year and I'm SO excited.  If you don't know what a CSA is, it stands for Community Supported Agriculture and it basically means that we've bought a share in an organic farm in our area.  We get a portion of whatever they grow for the year and we go pick up whatever they have for us once a week.  I can't recommend this enough.  Not only is it a great deal, but it's so much fun and delicious.  And we're supporting local farmers.  I'm so excited to get started up again this year and have Bean be able to really be a part of it.

So that's a little peek into what's going on around here.  Hopefully I'll be able to sort out my thoughts soon and until then, I'll try to put bits and pieces together for you.  What new and exciting things are jumbling up your lives these days?

The (not so) great nap transition

Yup, I'm writing about sleep once again.  It's pretty much our obsession in my house.  How to help Bean sleep and stay asleep.  How to get some sleep ourselves.  Someday I'm hoping we can move on to new obsessions, but for now, this is what we've got.  We had a really nice daytime routine going for the last couple months, which included an hour to hour and a half nap, twice a day.  Then Bean started having trouble falling asleep for her naps and at bedtime.  It got worse and worse and finally I had to accept the fact that she was trying to tell me that she might be ready to try one nap.  Even if I'm totally not.  So we've been trying it and some days it seems to work, some days it doesn't.

On the good days, she sleeps until 7:30 or 8 in the morning and takes a two hour nap early in the afternoon.  This has happened maybe twice.  On days like today she sleeps until 7:30 or 8, takes a one hour nap early in the afternoon and gets pretty fussy about a half hour before dinner time.  Other days she refuses to take any naps and falls asleep two minutes after we starting driving somewhere in the car, or she wakes up at 6 in the morning and we end up going back to two naps again.  Our daily schedule and routine is totally out of whack and I never know when I'll be able to go anywhere or do anything until I see what time she wakes up in the morning.  I never know how much to try to do during her nap because I have no idea how long she's going to sleep.  I have no idea if I can get dinner made because that's about the time that she just wants to be held if she hasn't slept enough. 

I hate messing with the status quo, but when it clearly isn't working any more, I know that I have to.  So I'm hoping that this period we're in now is just a transitional one.  I'm hoping that all of this will get figured out and we'll be back to some kind of a routine and some idea of normalcy.  I'm excited about the possibilities that one nap hold, but am honestly missing my morning time to myself a little bit.  I really enjoyed that few moments at the beginning of the day to get myself in order and get ready for the day.  We will get through this of course and there are worse things that could happen in the world (by far!) but right now, I'm hoping this won't last too long.  It will get better right???

Bean's second first birthday and good news

Sorry that I've been absent for so long!  This last weekend was super busy but a lot of fun.  My girlfriends from college all came to visit and we celebrated Bean's first birthday again.  This time it was much more of what I had in mind.  First of all, Bean wasn't sick and I didn't have anybody that I had to worry about pleasing except her.  My friends are really amazing, more like sisters really (I think anyway, I don't have any sisters so I can't tell you for sure) and I always love it when they're here.  It feels totally easy and not like I'm entertaining at all.  So we got to spend the day doing things that Bean really likes, like being outside and going to the library.  She LOVES the library which I totally love too.  The one in our town is a little sad and doesn't have anything for kids before they turn 2, so I found one in a neighboring town that we went to check out on her second first birthday.  It was perfect and she had a blast.  We all did.

While my friends were here we also went to a wedding.  The wedding was for one of my dear friends from college and it was so nice to see him so incredibly happy.  Technically kids weren't invited but we didn't have anybody to watch Bean, so we took her to the reception (I cleared it with him beforehand) and she did so great.  I didn't get much sleep while all of this was happening but the weekend certainly recharged me in a way that I really needed.  It reminded me that there are a lot of people in the world who love me and who love Bean.  I know that my family loves us, but right now, that relationship is really draining.  The relationships that I got to enjoy this weekend were exactly the opposite.  It was so nice to not have to worry about every single detail, to let other people carry some of the load, and to just soak up the lightness and fun.  

I've spent the last couple days getting my house back in order, running all the errands that didn't get run, and trying to figure out the whole two nap to one transition (more to come on this soon because advice is needed!) but I'm finally feeling like I'm getting caught up.  I'm thrilled that everyone was here but I'm so happy to get back to our routine, get back to focusing most of my attention on Bean, and figuring out what the summer holds for us.  We have a lot of obligations, but also a lot of potential for fun and that's what I'm going to focus on now.  

And now for the good news.  My aunt got all of her test results back and the cancer has not spread at all. They're able to use the lowest levels of chemotherapy and she'll get started on that next week.  As scary as this all has been, so far it's looking like it's the best outcome for a terrible situation.  I can't thank everyone enough who has had us in their thoughts and prayers.  I know there's still a long road ahead, but I have faith that we'll get through it and that my relationship with her will be stronger at the end.  It's never good when something like this has to happen to really be a wake up call about how much someone means to you and I'm going to take that lesson with me going forward.  No more taking things for granted.