How Birdie Got Her Name
When Birdie was born, Hubbie and I joked that she came flying into this world. On my last push, I was so focused on what I was doing, that when they told me to stop, I honestly couldn't. Before you knew it Birdie came flying out and left everyone scrambling to catch her. Not the graceful entrance into this world that we all imagine for our babies, but then Birdie is nothing like I had imagined so far. When we were joking about this I thought of her as a bird and a song came to mind, one that is on an album that Bean likes to listen to. The song is called Little Bird.
When we got home from the hospital I sang bits of this song to Birdie since I don't know all the words. Bean heard me and she started doing the same. So our little one quickly became our Birdie. I mostly sang her two songs. This one, and Baby Mine, which I happen to know all the words to. When we ended up in the hospital, all I could do to try and calm Birdie was sing to her. I tried to sing Baby Mine and got two words in before tears took over. Somehow Little Bird came out much easier. So there I was, singing the few words I knew and humming the rest with a room full of doctors, because I didn't know what else I could do to help my little Birdie.
After we got home from the hospital, I almost stopped calling her Birdie. I didn't know if I wanted that association anymore. All the days in the hospital singing that song because it was the only one that didn't make me completely lose it. But then I realized that it had kind of become her anthem. So little Birdie had a name.
An Update About Birdie
Well, all in all Birdie seems to be doing well. I worry about her all the time. I know those two statements don't really go together, but they're both the truth. Lately, my worry has stemmed from some blood work that we had done after she left the hospital. They wanted her to have her thyroid checked one more time because an over active thyroid can also cause an irregular heartbeat. They acted like it was no big deal, so I figured it was no big deal. We got the blood work done, and then a few days later her pediatrician called. I figured when it was the doctor herself on the phone, it probably wasn't routine. She told me that Birdie's results came back borderline irregular. Except it isn't over active, it's under active. Since it's borderline, they want to repeat the blood work, but just in case, they also want us to see a pediatric endocrinologist. So we're doing that on Monday.
Of course, the first thing I did was read more about all this. I have hypothyroidism myself, so I know what it means for me, but I have no idea what it means for a baby. It seems to be a bigger deal for babies and can effect their growth and development. When I read the symptoms, I felt like they were talking about Birdie. Sleeps long stretches, falls asleep nursing, dry skin, etc. I started to worry more. So I called the pediatrician back and talked to her about it. She assured me that she didn't think Birdie would have any symptoms even if she had hypothyroidism because her levels were just slightly out of range. And yet I worry. The other night she slept for nine hours. Nine hours! I should be excited at the prospect of sleep and instead I woke up and immediately broke into a cold sweat. First we listened to her heart, which was fine. Then I fretted about her thyroid.
I've had days where I have brief stretches of time that I can barely function. All I can do is focus in on Birdie, listen to her heart, and try to figure out if she's all right. It passes because life keeps moving, even if everything is stopped inside my head. Bean forces me to keep moving. I know I need to get a handle on it, and I'm so trying. I don't want to worry this much. I'm hopeful that after we see the endocrinologist this week, and the cardiologist and pediatrician next week, that I'll feel better. I need confirmation that she's okay. I need to know that she's gaining weight, that she's growing and developing. I see change but I wonder if it's enough.
I know that if I don't get the worry under control, I'm going to regret it. This part of Birdie and Bean's life will only happen once. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a fog and I'm missing it. So when Birdie stares up in my eyes after she gets done nursing, smiles, and starts cooing at me, I just smile back and try to focus on all the things about her that are okay. She will be okay. She is okay. I just love her so much. Both of them. I just love them so much.