Saturday, March 23, 2013

Quick Updates

I have a whole lot that I want to say that's more thoughtful then what I'm going to write here, but I honestly just don't have the time.  The last time I opened the computer was the last time I posted, which has been really hard for me because I have a lot I want to talk about right now and just no time to do it. Anyway, here are some quick updates and thoughts.

- Thank you!  Seriously, to all of you who have been commenting, thank you.  Why can't we all be friends in real life?  The things that have been said recently are like salve to my battered soul.  Maybe that sounds dramatic, but that's how I feel and I'm very thankful to be able to come here and find such support.  You're all amazing.

- Birdie has been doing well.  It seems like the medicine is still working and she's growing and changing.  I am still nervous for sure, I still check her heart a lot, and I feel sad a lot thinking about what she's been through in the first weeks of her life, but I'm adjusting to it all I think.  I've been struggling a bit lately just because I feel like I'm behind with her.  By the time we came home from the hospital, Birdie was already three weeks old, but I had no idea what she was like.  Her first two weeks, when I thought I was figuring her out, weren't really her, and the hospital, well that was just a blur.  So by the time I actually got to start getting to know her, she was three weeks old but in my head she was much younger.  I keep forgetting how old she is and can't figure out what she should be doing, or really what I should be doing.  You'd think I'd have a better idea the second time around, but I don't.  All I can do at this point is just go with my gut, in lots of ways.  I've tried to convince myself that my instincts led me to get Birdie to the hospital when she was sick the first time, so instead of worrying all the time I just need to trust that those instincts will kick in again if need be.  I also am trying to just trust my gut day to day.  I may not have her figured out yet, but I just love her so much, I'm just trying to start from that and do my best.

- I still have no real idea what I'm doing as a parent of two.  Bean is, amazing.  She just has so much patience and love for Birdie.  I am in awe of her most of the time.  Usually I'm the one who gets frustrated that I can't spend more time doing the things I want to, or used to be able to do with her.  She on the other hand seems to be adapting very well to the situation at hand.  So I try to use her as my barometer instead of myself.  If she's okay then I'm okay.  I just try to give her every free moment that I can and make sure that she gets my undivided attention when I can give it and hopefully feels all the love that I have for her.  I'm hoping as Birdie gets a little older and her schedule maybe gets more predictable, it will be easier to balance all of this.  Right now I have good days and not so good days.

- The not so good days are wearing on me a bit.  I feel more of the social isolation of a new mom then I did with Bean.  There are days when I don't have a free moment, not even to shower, from when I get up in the morning until when I go to bed at night.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I miss having some amount of time to myself.  I need a few moments to recharge and I don't count washing dishes or doing laundry as recharging.  I need time to talk to the people I care about, get my thoughts and ideas written down here, or just stare at the tv or read a book.

- There are times when I think about finding a therapist or counselor or something.  I've thought about this a lot in the past as well.  There's a lot about infertility that I haven't recovered from and while there are a lot of things that I wouldn't change, there are ways that infertility has changed me that I know I need to deal with. Besides all of you, there isn't really anyone in my life I feel like I can work through that with.  So I've looked into therapists with a background in infertility.  After what happened with Birdie, I feel like I could use some help working through that too.  Sometimes I feel like I have some small version of PTSD.  Like last weekend when we went on our first outing (doctors appointments don't count) as a family since Birdie was born.  Birdie has done really well in the car up until that day, but she wasn't happy then.  She was just crying and inconsolable.  I had to sit in the car with my eyes closed for awhile working to mentally keep myself in the present because all I could think about was that day in the ER, when she was crying a very similar cry, and all the things that were happening at that moment.  Obviously I don't have time to follow through on this now, but I kind of wish I did.  I feel like it could be really helpful.

Well, so much for my quick updates.  Clearly I need to find more time for this because as soon as I start, it all just comes pouring out.  So hopefully life will allow me to come back soon.  I'm trying to keep up with everyone else's blogs and comment as much as I can.  Please know that I'm thinking of all of you even if I don't manage to though!


  1. I feel like I just read a mirror of my own thoughts if that makes any sense. Your instincts are awesome so go with that. And I felt the same way about getting to know my #2. She was a completely different baby than my first and I felt like it took me several weeks (maybe more like months) to get to know her, and at almost 4 months I feel like I finally "get" her. Parenting two is hard and I totally 100% can relate to you on needing a moment to yourself after a full day of parenting without even time for a shower. It sucks but at the same time it has been my dream for a long time. And then I get the infertility guilt about not loving this as much as I should appreciate it, or getting frustrated with my kids, or whatever. Anyway, sorry for the long comment but I totally get what you are saying here and I'm glad I'm not alone!

    1. No apologies needed for long comments. I can never contain myself to a few words :) And it is really nice knowing that other people feel the same way. I completely understand the infertility guilt. I try to spend every day seeing my girls as the miracles they are and feeling so very appreciative but sometimes it's just hard and if I stop to recognize that I feel like I'm somehow not being as thankful as I should. It's amazing all the ways infertility changes you. I'm still finding more every day.

  2. From my perspective, a mum of two with none of your problems:
    - the doubt is always there (is that cough/snot/fever just regular stuff or should I just take the child to the doctor? What if it is nothing and I am wasting time I don't have?)
    - Bean will slightly change her opinions when the little Birdie will start snatching her toys, nothing mean, but she will start complaining.
    - doing laundry/ the dishes/ dinner without being in charge of the children COUNTS as alone time. At least for a little while more. Try to do the most of it. :-)
    - Know that all days pass, no matter how hard, challenging, bad or good. If I am dealing with a harder day, I set myself little milestones to reach (snack time, lunch, nap, quiet time for toddler and nap for baby) and I stop thinking of how long a day with two sick children can be until my husband comes home. I am with both of them when they are sick, otherwise George is in the nursery until 4, he loves it there, learns loads, eats like a wolf and I remain sane. We reconnect after 4 and it is more meaningful than when we are cooped up at home, hacking and wheezing and just feeling horrible.
    - Just because the girls are sisters, it does not mean they are alike. Sometimes siblings are alike, but mostly, throughout babyhood, they are different. Things seem the same, but they are not. Don't blame yourself ffor not knowing Birdie sooner, it is done, so you'd better just focus on the present. Smiling, cooing, batting toys - that is what is in the near future. Focus on that and let the hospital stay remain back in February and you will come back to deal with it when you are ready to. It will not go anywhere, so just take your time and when you feel ready to tackle that, you will, and will check this off your list too.

    Hugs. It gets better. It truly does. You will manage it, you will not be the only mother in the world who cannot raise two children. All of us are sleep deprived, short tempered, feeling like giant failures when things are less than rosy, but we are just human, children are more adaptable than we give them credit for and in the end you will have that amazing evening when you will have a glass of something and reconnect with your husband and tell him about your day and what the girls did that exhausted them so that they sleep wondefully at night, and the feeling of accomplishment and the booze will make everything just out of this world. Then you will have to take them both for the well check up, and they will do the little banshees re-enactment, and you will come down from that cloud you were the previous evening and you will know that all is well, and back to normal.

    1. Mina, you're right in so many ways. I know it will get better, it already is. Some days are better then others, and honestly the bad days aren't SO bad. I'm just hard on myself and want the best for the girls. I have a hard time on the days when I feel like they didn't get my best. I think it would be easier for me to leave that hospital stay in the past and deal with it later if I wasn't afraid that another one could be just around the corner. But I'm trying. And looking forward to that glass of wine when it comes someday :)

  3. Sometimes therapy can be really healing, and even if it's not, I can be nice to vent to someone who is required by law to keep what you say confidential.

    It seems like you are being a great mom, but there are these internal battles you're fighting. Which is so normal and even healthy, as long as we don't let them take over. One day at a time.

    1. One day at a time is so true. And I'm thankful that this day is Friday and hopefully that means I'll have two days in a row to shower this weekend! It's the little things really :) Also, I feel like therapy would probably help my friendships. I'm sure my dear friends are tired of hearing about my Mother-in-Law :)