I have a whole lot that I want to say that's more thoughtful then what I'm going to write here, but I honestly just don't have the time. The last time I opened the computer was the last time I posted, which has been really hard for me because I have a lot I want to talk about right now and just no time to do it. Anyway, here are some quick updates and thoughts.
- Thank you! Seriously, to all of you who have been commenting, thank you. Why can't we all be friends in real life? The things that have been said recently are like salve to my battered soul. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but that's how I feel and I'm very thankful to be able to come here and find such support. You're all amazing.
- Birdie has been doing well. It seems like the medicine is still working and she's growing and changing. I am still nervous for sure, I still check her heart a lot, and I feel sad a lot thinking about what she's been through in the first weeks of her life, but I'm adjusting to it all I think. I've been struggling a bit lately just because I feel like I'm behind with her. By the time we came home from the hospital, Birdie was already three weeks old, but I had no idea what she was like. Her first two weeks, when I thought I was figuring her out, weren't really her, and the hospital, well that was just a blur. So by the time I actually got to start getting to know her, she was three weeks old but in my head she was much younger. I keep forgetting how old she is and can't figure out what she should be doing, or really what I should be doing. You'd think I'd have a better idea the second time around, but I don't. All I can do at this point is just go with my gut, in lots of ways. I've tried to convince myself that my instincts led me to get Birdie to the hospital when she was sick the first time, so instead of worrying all the time I just need to trust that those instincts will kick in again if need be. I also am trying to just trust my gut day to day. I may not have her figured out yet, but I just love her so much, I'm just trying to start from that and do my best.
- I still have no real idea what I'm doing as a parent of two. Bean is, amazing. She just has so much patience and love for Birdie. I am in awe of her most of the time. Usually I'm the one who gets frustrated that I can't spend more time doing the things I want to, or used to be able to do with her. She on the other hand seems to be adapting very well to the situation at hand. So I try to use her as my barometer instead of myself. If she's okay then I'm okay. I just try to give her every free moment that I can and make sure that she gets my undivided attention when I can give it and hopefully feels all the love that I have for her. I'm hoping as Birdie gets a little older and her schedule maybe gets more predictable, it will be easier to balance all of this. Right now I have good days and not so good days.
- The not so good days are wearing on me a bit. I feel more of the social isolation of a new mom then I did with Bean. There are days when I don't have a free moment, not even to shower, from when I get up in the morning until when I go to bed at night. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I miss having some amount of time to myself. I need a few moments to recharge and I don't count washing dishes or doing laundry as recharging. I need time to talk to the people I care about, get my thoughts and ideas written down here, or just stare at the tv or read a book.
- There are times when I think about finding a therapist or counselor or something. I've thought about this a lot in the past as well. There's a lot about infertility that I haven't recovered from and while there are a lot of things that I wouldn't change, there are ways that infertility has changed me that I know I need to deal with. Besides all of you, there isn't really anyone in my life I feel like I can work through that with. So I've looked into therapists with a background in infertility. After what happened with Birdie, I feel like I could use some help working through that too. Sometimes I feel like I have some small version of PTSD. Like last weekend when we went on our first outing (doctors appointments don't count) as a family since Birdie was born. Birdie has done really well in the car up until that day, but she wasn't happy then. She was just crying and inconsolable. I had to sit in the car with my eyes closed for awhile working to mentally keep myself in the present because all I could think about was that day in the ER, when she was crying a very similar cry, and all the things that were happening at that moment. Obviously I don't have time to follow through on this now, but I kind of wish I did. I feel like it could be really helpful.
Well, so much for my quick updates. Clearly I need to find more time for this because as soon as I start, it all just comes pouring out. So hopefully life will allow me to come back soon. I'm trying to keep up with everyone else's blogs and comment as much as I can. Please know that I'm thinking of all of you even if I don't manage to though!