Friday, April 12, 2013

Putting myself out there

I worry entirely too much about what other people think of me.  I know exactly why I do it.  I was overweight as a kid and teenager and I got picked on pretty badly.  I learned quickly to try and blend in with my surroundings and get noticed as little as possible.  Somehow this worked out for me and by the time I hit high school, I was mostly invisible.  It was amazing how much people started noticing me again once I lost the weight.  Appearances are everything unfortunately.  Anyway, I digress.  My point is that I've had a really hard time shaking the idea that I should blend in with my surroundings, not call attention to myself, and certainly not make any waves.

I gained a lot of self confidence in college.  I found a wonderful group of friends who loved me for who I was, and I just really came into my own.  Red became my favorite color.  I didn't mind standing out and I was proud of the person that I was and who I was becoming.  After college I got into a very good graduate school because I put myself out there, moved to a big city, and ended up teaching in very difficult surroundings.  All things I never pictured myself doing because I didn't have the confidence in myself to do it.

Once hubby and I got married and moved to our current location, things started getting a little tougher again.  I was working from home in a new town, which meant I met no one.  Hubby was making new friends through work, but it was hard for me.  Once I quit my job to focus on the fertility treatments and having a baby full time for awhile, it got even worse.  I tried putting myself out there and getting involved in different things, but I quickly realized the person I was putting out there wasn't the person I used to be.  I was a watered down, beaten down version of myself.

Things got better after Bean was born, although I've still struggled to find good friends here where we live.  I thought once I had a baby that would be the answer, but I was wrong.  I tried out a couple moms groups and just couldn't find people who I felt like I related to.  I tried starting my own moms group for people who have been through infertility struggles, but that never really took off.  I've found a few people, but my idea that every mom in the world suddenly wants to be your friend, or what is more the reality, that I would want to be friends with all these other moms, makes me laugh now.  Infertility is always with me and makes it hard for me to relate to a lot of moms who haven't been through it, no matter how hard I try.

You're probably wondering by now where I'm going with all this.  Well, what I'm trying to get at is the reason why I censor myself so much on this blog.  Why I don't put myself out there more and talk about the things I really want to be talking about.  Why I don't share more of my personal life and story.  There is a part of me that's still that chubby kid, or that lonely newlywed, or that emotionally beaten down infertile.  And when the self assured, happy mama comes out, I always have a little voice that tells me not to say too much.  Not to share too much.  Not to put myself out there because the more you put yourself out there, the more you open yourself up to both positive and negative reactions.

I am at the point though where I'm getting older (yes, almost 33 feels older!), and I don't want to waste this one chance I have to be a part of the world and be seen and heard.  I always said as a teacher that if I made a difference in the life of one child then all my hard work would be worth it and I still believe that.  As a mom I still believe that my kids will most likely be my biggest and most important contribution to this world.  But I have more to say, and passionate beliefs.  I feel like I have more to give and I'm tired of holding myself back because I don't want to potentially get hurt.

From now on I'm going to try harder.  I'm not just going to talk about the blogs that I find inspirational because of their honesty, I'm going to aspire to be more like those blogs.  I've found so many wonderful people through my blog but I feel like I haven't given you all the chance to really get to know me, and that's not fair because you've been such a huge support.  It's going to be different around here.  I'm going to be different.  Because I'm tired of worrying all the time about everything.  I just don't have the energy anymore.

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