Trying to figure it all out

I've always said that infertility has left me forever changed, as a person and most definitely as a parent.  Looking back on Bean's delivery, I see now how much my infertility changed the way I reacted to the situations in front of me.  I was really hoping to have a vaginal delivery and as natural of a childbirth as possible.  I hit 41 weeks though and my doctor wanted me to be induced.  Normally I would have pushed back at this and wanted to wait longer and give my body a chance to do what it was going to do.  But I was scared.  So scared.  Scared that I would make the wrong choice and that something would happen to Bean before I ever even got the chance to meet her.  In the end, the induction failed, and I had a c-section.  At the time, and even now, I say that I have no regrets because Bean and I both came out healthy.  Was it the way I wanted it to happen?  Not necessarily, but all that I really cared about was bringing home a baby and that I got to do.

Looking back though I know that without the infertility colored glasses, I would have wanted to wait past 41 weeks.  I would have wanted to wait longer into the induction before I agreed to the c-section.  And this changes how I feel this time around, although I'm still scared to death that something might happen before this baby ever gets here.  I've been keeping close track of movement and have been doing everything I can to make sure this baby is okay.  I just want a shot at having a VBAC.  In the end, I want a healthy baby and a healthy mama, but I know how hard it is to recover from a c-section.  I know it will be even harder this time with a toddler.  I know there are risks.  I would rather avoid it if I could, but I just have no idea what choice is right.  What if I choose the wrong thing and there are horrible consequences?  It's really hard to know what to do.

When I went to the doctor today, nothing has changed.  I'm still 50% effaced and 1 cm dilated.  Which like I said before, is way farther then I got with Bean and I haven't even hit my due date yet.  So I keep hoping, and walking, and doing anything that I can to try to encourage labor to start.  My doctors, while they are supportive of my attempt at a VBAC, are not really super on board.  At my visit today, with the doctor I like more, he told me that in his opinion we can wait, keep an eye on things, but should probably schedule a c-section for next Wednesday, which will be just short of 41 weeks.  He wants me to come back Friday for a non stress test and an ultrasound to check on the fluid and baby.  Obviously I'm on board with that.  The scheduling of the c-section at this point though, I'm not so sure about.  It feels like history repeating itself.

I told him I'd think about it and talk to my husband and he said he'd talk to the scheduling folks in the office and they might call me about it.  Okay, no big deal.  Well, on my way out as I was scheduling my appointment for Friday, the woman who does all the paperwork in the office comes to the front desk with a stack of papers so she can schedule my c-section.  There's only one spot left next week and so she said she needed to do it soon, and of course the doctor who would preform the c-section is my least favorite.  I felt completely overwhelmed and kind of like I was being forced into something so I told her that I wanted to wait, talk to my husband, and get back to her.

After more discussion with her later on the phone, looking for other options, it sounded essentially like all that scheduling a c-section now would do would be to make life easier for them.  If I schedule it now, I'm essentially locked into having a c-section next week.  When I questioned more about what would happen if I waited, I was essentially told that the same thing could end up happening.  So what's the point of scheduling it?  If I need a c-section are they going to deny me one?  I don't love the doctor that's available, so would it really be so terrible if I ended up with someone different from another office potentially?  Not in my opinion.  I don't like feeling bullied, especially when there isn't a good reason for it.  If the babies health was at risk, or mine, I'll have the c-section in 30 seconds.  But otherwise I feel like I should still be in control of this situation.  I want to feel comfortable that we're doing the right thing, and I don't, so I said no.

I'm not sure how happy they are with me.  I don't really care in all honesty.  I don't typically like to make waves and I am nervous, worrying and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.  Technically this baby could be here already if I had just done a repeat c-section to begin with.  Am I pushing my luck here?  Maybe everything would have gone fine and I'm potentially getting myself into a tricky situation by waiting longer.  Or maybe something could have gone wrong with the c-section and I'm avoiding something bad.  That's the hard part.  The not knowing.  Making decisions based on your gut, a lot of research, and what you feel like is the right thing to do.  If that isn't parenting in a nutshell, I don't know what is.  But that doesn't make it any less scary.

Still here, waiting

Yesterday was emotionally a little tough.  I had my weekly OB appointment and unfortunately it was with the useless OB in the practice.  There are three doctors there and I really like two of them.  The third, in my opinion, is useless.  He was the one who decided to induce me a week after my due date with Bean.  Looking back, I don't know if that was the right decision.  I wouldn't change it because Bean and I both were healthy after and that was the main goal, but I see the flaws now that I'm outside the situation.  He also was trying to pressure me to go home after the c-section.  I went home a day before my insurance would have ended coverage and the average number of days for a c-section, but the day before I went home when he asked if I was ready and I said no, he said "you have to go home sometime you know."  That was pretty much the end of me listening to anything that he said.

So anyway, I've managed to avoid him as much as possible this pregnancy, but he was the only one with an appointment yesterday so I had no choice.  Which means I didn't have high expectations, but I was curious to see what was happening because I've been having contractions, especially this last weekend.  I saw him for maybe five minutes.  He checked my cervix so fast.  My appointment last week the doctor took his time to make sure he knew what was going on.  This week useless doctor just checked super fast and told me that there "wasn't really" a change.  Then he started talking to me about a c-section and how we can't "wait forever" and will need to start thinking about it. Which I know we'll have to do eventually if I don't go into labor on my own.  But I'm not there yet and my other doctors aren't either.  So I really don't care too much what this guy says.  I was just disappointed that I hadn't made more progress.  Although who knows, I don't even trust that he got that right.  I'll wait and see what happens this week and talk to one of the doctors I trust next week.

That in itself wouldn't have been so bad, just frustrating, but then I read that the hospital we're delivering at is restricting all visitors with flu like symptoms and all visitors under 18 for the time being.  Which means that Bean won't be able to come to the hospital when the baby is born.  Which broke. my. heart.  We've been telling Bean she can come as much as she wants to see us and the new baby.  She picked out a little gift to bring to the baby and I have a gift packed away in my hospital bag for her.  I can't imagine having her 15 minutes away and not being able to see her.  Literally, hubby and I have left her with someone three times in her life.  Twice for ultrasounds that they didn't allow kids at and once to go out to dinner.  Which is mostly by choice.  We don't have a huge number of people that we really feel comfortable leaving Bean with and only one of them lives nearby.  Even so, we really would rather do things with her then without her.

I don't know what to do.  Well, there isn't really anything I can do.  Hubby will spend as much time as Bean needs with her now that we know she can't come to the hospital.  I keep hoping something will change but I'm not holding out hope.  We haven't told her yet.  I just can't bring myself to do it.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to make hubby do it.  It makes me hope more and more that the VBAC is successful because it means I'll be home sooner.  I'm excited about having this baby and growing our family, it just breaks my heart that we can't do it all together.

All we can do now is wait really.  See what this baby wants to do.  Thankfully the bathroom is done.  Yay!!  We have one more thing we'd like to get done tomorrow night (hubby and I are going out to dinner to give Bean a chance to get used to not having us around at bedtime) and after that, we're as ready as we're going to be.  Thank you to everyone who is thinking of us.  I'm so hopeful that this baby will decide to come on her/his own but whatever happens happens.  I just want us both to be healthy and beyond that, we'll take it as it comes.

37 1/2 weeks

Well, I had my OB appointment today and I'm officially 1 cm dilated.  Which is officially 1 cm more then I ever dilated on my own with Bean.  So I'm still having a lot of hope that this means I'll have a shot at a VBAC, but we'll have to wait and see.  The bathroom still isn't done (supposedly it will be Friday, but then it was supposed to be done last Friday too) so I'm a little anxious, but I know that I could stay at 1 cm for a long time, so that doesn't mean anything.  I feel less defeated by the whole thing then I did last week for sure.  I'm just trying to chug along and get to Friday.  We finally packed a hospital bag though and did a few other things that I had done long before Bean was due.  Names though, we're still stuck a bit on names.  We've got to get that one figured out.  That's all for my rambly post today.  Bean had no nap and I'm exhausted so it's off to bed soon and we'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Meltdown

Well, today was the meltdown that needed to happen I guess.  I found out this morning as hubby was on his way out the door that the bathroom wouldn’t be done until the beginning to middle of next week.  Which put me into freak out mode.  First, I was just freaked out about it getting done before the baby comes.  Then I was freaked out about the idea of having to drag all of us around from place to place for another week.  Top it off with the fact that we were on our way to my MIL’s for the day, which isn’t the easiest of places to spend hours on end, and I almost burst into tears.

I managed to do pretty well until we were actually at the MIL’s house for a while.  She was out doing some things and wouldn’t be back until the afternoon so it was just Bean, the puppy, and me.  Bean was a little out of sorts, but our puppy (who is almost 4 and really isn’t a puppy anymore, but I can’t bring myself to refer to him as a dog) has been kind of a mess lately.  He’s had some kind of tummy trouble and went out multiple times last night and again this morning.  Then out of nowhere he threw up all over the carpet.  Bean almost started crying because he was sick while I tried to clean it up and avoid too many icky chemicals.  While I’m not so good at asking for help, I remembered hubby told me to call if I needed anything as he left this morning with me on the verge of tears.  So I called and he came.

After Bean went down for her nap, the floodgates opened.  I started crying about the frustration of not being able to do all the things I want to so easily.  About how tired I am and how exhausting it is to relocate ourselves every day.  About how I can barely imagine making it through this week, let alone another next week.  Then I started realizing all the other things that it was about that I hadn’t even acknowledged to myself.  I was crying because the few weeks I have left alone with Bean are ticking away.  And if you asked me how I imagined spending our last weeks as a duo, this certainly wasn’t it.  It isn’t that I’m not excited and thrilled about the baby; I am SO very excited and thrilled.  But things are going to be different.  Forever.  And I have a few short weeks to soak in as much of Bean as I can and to make sure she’s as ready as she can be and that she feels my love as much as she can.

I hate that I have to go places everyday and share her with people.  I want to be selfish.  I want to hold her for myself and spend every moment memorizing what it means to be just her mama.  I don’t want to be exhausted and grumpy.  I want to be home playing with all the gifts she got for Christmas.  I want her to help me bake all the goodies that she loves to put in the freezer for while we’re in the hospital.  I want it to be different.

But then my path to motherhood has been anything but conventional.  I can’t tell you the number of times along the way while we were trying to get pregnant, or stay pregnant, or enjoy parenthood, or any of that, that I wished to myself or out loud that it was different.  The times that I would wish that I could be one of those people who had it so easy and all of it just landed in their lap.  But that doesn’t really matter now does it.  All of our wishes and dreams are just that.  And in the end, I got my wishes and I’m living my dream.  Not the way I planned, not the way I expected, but it’s here. 

I am grateful and feel how lucky I am every single day of my life.  And I’m not just saying that because I worry that somehow all of it will be taken away from me if I don’t.  It’s the truth.  But I have to be honest with myself and say that there are moments, when I mourn the dream that I had.  The dream of what the best could have been.  When hubby and I would be on our way to the four little ones that we dreamed up, surrounded by family and friends who help us along the way and always know the right things to say.  Pregnancies filled with excitement and over the top baby showers, and not holding my breath every time I feel a twinge.  Blissfully ignorant motherhood where I don’t think about how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away.  Where I don’t worry constantly. 

Now that I type that all out though, I really wonder what it is that I’m mourning.  I don’t actually want any of those things.  I want to be aware everyday of the gift that my kids are.  Of the gift that my husband and my wonderful life are.  I want to be thankful for my body that may have betrayed me in so many ways, but somehow managed to pull this thing off once (hopefully twice).  I want the exact life I have now, because every crappy, hard thing that’s happened to me has made me who I am and has gotten me to where I stand.  I can’t imagine myself as that blissfully ignorant pregnant person who doesn’t really realize that miscarriage happens or that sometimes getting pregnant is work.  I would not be the person or mother that I am today, and to be honest, I like that person.

So maybe today wasn’t about mourning something.  Maybe it was just about change.  I always have a bit of a hard time with change, even when it is wonderful change.  It’s just unknown and scary sometimes.  And I do best when I can control something, which right now I feel like I can’t control anything.  Maybe today was about how my body is being pushed to its physical limit.  About how I need a little more sleep, a few more quiet moments, and even a chance to cry a little more if that’s what I feel like.  I don’t really know what today was about.  But I needed it.  I’ve felt it building for a while and I’m relieved that all that emotion has been let loose.  Now if only they’d finish my bathroom J

36 1/2 week OB appointment

Quick update from the OB this morning.  Stuff is actually happening!  He said I'm about 50% effaced and the baby has started to drop down.  He said something about being able to feel the head while he was checking my cervix.  So I'm excited because none of this happened with Bean.  When I went in to be induced I had made no progress whatsoever and was over due.  I'm hopeful this is good news for an attempt at a VBAC but am also nervous because we have a lot to do in the next few weeks!  Hopefully we can light a fire under the bathroom guys because I am SO ready for this to be over.

Nesting kicking in

Things have been crazy and exhausting around here.  I'm seriously at the brink of exhaustion.  I don't know if I mentioned it before but a few months ago we had a leak in our bathroom that lead to the discovery of mold behind the walls.  Not good.  Especially with a toddler and baby on the way.  We knew this bathroom was going to have to be remodeled eventually but it got fast tracked at that point.  So we started looking for contractors and finally found one we felt good about and got on his schedule. The reno started right after Christmas and it's in full swing now.  Hopefully this is the last week but everyday that they've been here working, I've been packing up Bean and the dog and finding places for us to go for the day.  I've been dragging bags of toys, food, nap blankets, all of it everyday.  And I'm tired.  And I want to just stay home.  So does Bean.  I know it will all be worth it in the end, but man, right now, I want to do anything but this.  Not good timing.

By the time this weekend hit I was so exhausted.  And my plan was to do nothing all weekend because our go to person (which in reality means our only person) to take care of Bean while we're in the hospital is out of town this weekend.  She's coming back tomorrow and I will be SO relieved.  I kept trying to think of back up plans in case I went into labor and I couldn't think of one.  Which makes me a little sad.  My MIL and parents are all within a half hour, but for various reasons aren't options.  We have friends, but none of them that Bean knows well enough to be comfortable staying with for that long.  And the people we love and wouldn't blink to ask to help us in this kind of situation?  They all live about 5 hours away.  Thank goodness for my great luck in having a dear friend end up near by just a few years ago.  I can't imagine life without her there now.

Anyway, I'm getting off track.  My plan was to do nothing this weekend to ensure that I wouldn't go into labor.  All the sudden though I just wanted to do all this stuff around the house.  Partly because I couldn't do any of it this week since I was never here, but also I know that it's just the end of pregnancy kicking in.  We cleaned out all the Christmas stuff, rearranged our family room, cleaned everything we could including the basement, and on and on.  I did at least six loads of laundry, started up some sewing projects I've been putting off, and cleaned out the freezer so I can start making food for Bean to have while we're not here.  It feels good to have gotten so much done, but I realize that I was probably crazy taking so much on.  I'm tired and the week of bouncing around from place to place is stretching out in front of me.  I'm just hoping that this is the last week and the bathroom is done come Friday.

I can't believe that I'll be 37 weeks this week!  Full term.  I've been waiting for that for so long and I'm just so thrilled that we've made it this far.  Now we just have to finalize names and get some last minute details in place.  Tomorrow is my next OB appointment and I'm anxious to see if anything is happening.  I'll try to be better about updating and I am so thankful for all of you that are checking in.  We feel very blessed and excited at the start of this year.  It's hard to believe that a year ago I had just gotten my shipment of meds and now here we are, almost full term.  So very blessed.