Wow! So much has happened and I have so much to tell you. I feel like I could write for a week and still not get it all out the way I want. My time is limited as Bean is napping, so I'll try to give you the condensed version. Oh how I wish the posts that I write in my head in the shower, while walking Pup Pup, or while rocking Bean would magically end up in my computer!
First off, I've been MIA because Bean has been sick. The sickest she's ever been and it's been a little scary. I have a new appreciation for parents with chronically sick kids after having Bean be sick for the last month at least. I cannot imagine how they do it and I am amazed by their continued strength. I have to admit, that I had a rough time at points in the last month. Part of the problem was that Hubby was sick too. So I was struggling through a lot of this on my own in certain ways. He was here and helping to the extent that he could, but he wasn't himself. Luckily he was better by the time the worst of it hit last weekend.
Bean had been sick for awhile, seemed to get better, and then a week and a half ago got much worse. We went to the doctor, but of course the worst hit over the weekend. I slept in her room, talked to the 24 hour nurse, and generally was just trying to make it to Monday morning. Bean was coughing a lot, to the point of throwing up at least daily. She was waking up about a dozen times at night, wasn't eating much, had a fever, and was very fussy. She just didn't feel good and it was pretty obvious that she didn't just have a cold like the doctor had advised us the week before. Monday morning we got to see our regular doctor who diagnosed her with RSV which lead to the children's version of bronchitis. Since RSV is viral, antibiotics weren't going to do any good, so for the last week we've been doing nebulizer medications 3 times a day to try and help Bean breath and recover and it has made a huge difference. We also were at home all week, not only to try to get her better, but also to try and keep from spreading this to anyone else.
There were moments of cabin fever that set in, but the worry and desperate feeling moments from the weekend were gone and by the end of the week, Bean was dancing again. Once I see her start dancing, I know she's feeling back to herself. And she started sleeping mostly through the night. It's been so wonderful to see her feeling better and we're going to do everything in our power to keep her that way! I'm so thankful for our doctor, for modern medicine, and for our health insurance. I couldn't believe how much all of these medications cost after insurance paid for them, so I can't imagine how people do it who aren't insured.
There was a brief window in the middle of the month when Bean was sick, where she was feeling better and I was able to go on that trip with my friends. I cannot tell you how happy I was that I went on that trip. There was a part of me that I feel like has been sleeping for years, that somehow was awakened again. First of all, I realized that Bean will be okay if I'm not around, and I'll be okay without here. It wasn't easy for me, although it seemed easier for her. Hubby kept her busy and having fun, and while she missed me, she did AMAZINGLY well. I was so proud of her, and him, for rolling with the punches so well.
I also was surprised how relaxed I was once I got there. I missed Bean, and I was really happy to get home to her and Hubby by Sunday, but once I realized that I had made it to my destination, everyone at home was doing well, I just went with it and had a good time. I was able to have loads of adult conversation, and I used my brain in ways that I haven't in a long time. Don't get me wrong, as a stay at home mama, I stretch my brain everyday in ways that I haven't ever before, but there are parts of my brain that I used to use regularly that have been kind of sleeping. We went to museums, talked about books, and generally did things I haven't allowed myself time to do in a long time. When I was trying to have Bean, I was kind of depressed and wasn't interested in doing those things, and after Bean was born, I just focused all my time and attention on her.
Using those parts of my brain again, reminded me of parts of me that used to exist that haven't been around in awhile. It reminded me how important it is to cultivate all of me, and not just the mama part of me. This reawakening of sorts has had a tremendous effect. I've started reading for pleasure or growth again, I've started exercising almost every day, I got my hair cut for the first time since Bean was 3 months old (yes, ridiculous I know, but I just didn't make time to do it). I'm more confident, self assured, and aware of all the bits and pieces of myself, and not just the mama in me. I'm still mostly a mama, it's impossible for me to really take too much time to step away from that. But I've been able, even in the face of exhaustion and an overwhelming need from Bean during her illness to be attached to me at all times, keep these other bits of myself going. Somehow I feel whole again, even though I didn't really realize that I wasn't before. I thought that about a year ago I had bounced back mostly from the infertility stuff and was back to "myself." But I was wrong. And I'm so happy to be where I am at this moment.
The whole situation with Bean has also lead to some changes on the infertility front. My period started over the weekend and I was supposed to call my RE and start our first cycle to try for baby number two. But I just don't feel like the time is right, especially since I'm inhaling second hand steroids everyday. What surprised me though is that it doesn't really bother me. I learned with Bean, how important it is to be in the right frame of mind while trying to make a baby this way, and I'm not willing to push myself to the limit in all areas of life just to fit some invisible time line. This will happen when it happens, and life will not end if we start trying to make a baby next month instead of this month.
Phew, I still have more to tell you, but I'm running out of time as I have a million things to do and an hour to get them done if I'm lucky. I hope to be back in the swing of things with commenting and posting soon!