I admit it, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed lately. I had a little bit of a breakdown last week and you know what, it felt good. It felt good to admit for a minute that I can't do it all and that I can't shoulder everyone's problems. It didn't last long and I'm back trying to balance my life and lots of other peoples now, but briefly, I got to let it all go.
Today my aunt had two doctors appointments to talk about the cancer diagnosis. For those of you who didn't see my previous post, my aunt was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. We didn't know anything really until today and I have to say, that I don't know much more after talking to her. She's the kind of person who hates doctors and doesn't want to know any more then she has to. It scares her, so she figures it's better if she doesn't know. I'm the opposite. I want to know everything, all the details. I ask tons of questions. So it's hard for me to not know more about what's going on with her. My mom went with her to the appointments, so I'm hopeful once I talk to her, I'll learn a little more.
What I did learn is that my aunt is going to start by having chemotherapy. This worries me because my aunt lives alone. She's spent her life taking care of other people. Since I've known her, she's lived with my grandparents. She was there when my grandfather took care of my grandmother until she passed away and she took care of my grandfather until his p.arkinson's disease caused some serious side-effects that made it too dangerous for her to do that. When my grandfather passed away, she was on her own and has been since. Now I worry that there is nobody there to take care of her. My parents live a half hour away and I had just talked to my aunt about six months ago about the idea of her moving down here when they did. She was really happy that we wanted her close by and wanted to do it. I have to admit that the task of getting two houses cleaned out and all of them moved down here, was really overwhelming. Now, it feels worse.
My aunt has my parents to help when they can and she has a couple friends, but I feel like she's going to need more then that. I have no experience with chemotherapy, but from what I can tell, it's not easy. I can't imagine her living by herself with nobody to help her get through this. My mom and her friend are going to help take her to doctors appointments, but she said that she's planning on staying in the house by herself. I just feel so helpless from here. I wish we had gotten her moved already. I wish so many things were different. I want to be able to help but I don't know how. I don't know what I can do from here and I don't know how much time I can spend there. I feel like I have so much to do that has nothing to do with my own life and so much to do that does, that I can't imagine how I'm going to keep my head above water. I'm trying to be tough and think positive, but I feel like the weight of all of my family is on my shoulders alone. I know it's childish but there are moments where I just want to hide. I just want to be able to be Bean's mama and nothing else. She still isn't back to herself and I miss her. I miss our normal routine and I feel like we may never get it back again. I just don't know how to be the person that all these different people need me to be.