Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Infertility Guilt

I wrote this post at the beginning of June and haven't had time to finish it or write anything since. I didn't publish it then for one big reason. Guilt. Infertility guilt. Because on the long days or nights when the hard job of being a mama wears me out I can't admit it. I know what it's like to be on the other side wishing I could be a worn out mama. Finding little sympathy for others who were in my current shoes. And I remember all that now and in the middle of those dark sleepless nights when I long for a few minutes sleep. I push all of these feelings to a place that doesn't see the light of day. But now I have to offer them to you as an explanation as to where I've been. Where I am. I'm lost in mamahood. Missing my release of writing as I type this all quickly from my phone with a sleeping baby in the other arm. I miss this place and I hope to find my way back soon. Until then, here are the words from my guilt stricken heart:

I've been lost in a sea of sleepless nights these days. Birdie has followed in her sisters footsteps and our road to a nights sleep keeps getting longer and longer. We start the process in the early evening and I sit here now just before 11 waiting to see if the repeated wake ups are letting up and she's finally falling into deeper sleep or if I'll be up for awhile still. She's also decided that daddy is no longer allowed to soothe her. Only mama will do.

I love being a mama. I love being a stay at home mama. But I am human and I need some amount of rest. Some time to recharge my batteries. And that's been hard to find as of late. I'm tired, worn out, frustrated, you name it. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad because I love rocking Birdie. I love holding my sweet baby who I know won't be this age for long. I love the way she smells and the way she feels in my arms. I love the moments when she's not quite in a deep sleep yet and all the sudden starts laughing hysterically. I wish I knew what she was laughing at. But when I've been doing it all evening after a full day with both girls, I forget how much I love it. I just want a break or sleep or something. And I don't want it to be that way.

But that's reality isn't it. Motherhood is a lot of hard work. It has huge payoffs for sure and you would never hear me saying that it isn't worth every second of it.


  1. It is very hard to be on call every minute of every day and night, to not sleep properly, to constantly run on fumes... It gets better. You know it does. It is worth it, of course it is, parenting is the highlight of our lives, but it also the most challenging, the most exhausting, and the most frustrating time of our lives. Yes, those who don't have that in their lives now, do not care a fig for our first world problems. It is not their duty to care or understand. It is ok. Those who have been in your shoes, they understand. And try to be there with a word and a shoulder to cry on.

    You know it gets slowly better. So slowly that it might not seem to move at all, but it does. And then there is something else you worry about and (oh, the irony!) lose sleep over.

    Why is this post dated June and I only see it in August?! Has sleep deprivation blitzed my brain to this extent? It would not be all that surprising, but I have checked your blog since then, and I think I would remember a new post... Anyway.

  2. Oh, I hear ya! Today was a rough day for me. Glad to hear I'm not alone in my feelings...or my guilt. But at the same time, so sorry you're feeling this way. It's tough, isn't it?